Love

The past couple of weeks since my return from Bali has been somewhat eventful, the main event that has sparked quite an amount of controversy, speculation, tension and loads of emotional discharge is Deans mum discovering that we are in a relationship. At first I was so happy with the event, I was so happy for Dean, but I don't want to go into too much detail as to what events have happened, the main points that are needed is that his dad isn't taking it too well, and his mum seams to be quite un-accepting of the situation. What made me want to make this post is what she said today, it made me quite upset, upset for Dean, I remember when my mum would say it, I would cry, I would hate myself, and I would hate her for wanting mr to go back to a life of denial, she said 'go back to the way you used to be'. Sure she probably didn't mean it like that, but it got me so sad, and I could see how upset Dean got with it, it was troubling him for the rest of the evening, it was quite evident, what made it worse was that no matter how much I wanted to hug him and reassure him that things will get better, how much I wanted to help him, I couldn't, I wanted to take him back to mine, so we could talk, I wanted to tell him that I was upset, but I couldn't, by the looks of things Dean doesn't want to burden his mum, and I suppose letting her know that she offended him would do that. It just frustrates me that people can't understand what it's like for us, for him, imagine how you would feel if someone was so upset with who you are, that they would want you to not be who you are, imagine how you good you would feel about yourself, it destroys peoples self confidence, it's not fair. I love him so much, I don't mind that be' removed our relationship from facebook, I respect that we should ease his mum into the situation, I'm annoyed that his mum wanted it down so badly because she wasn't ready to accept it, but I respect that, I love him so much I would do anything for him, anything that could help him, I want to be there for him. I just want to help this blow over, I want to help him with easing his mum into it, her ignoring that we are together is not helping, she needs us to sit and talk to her, but she's not going to be ready anytime soon if she is going to keep seeing Dean and I as mates, she knows that were not just mates, and as soon as she accepts that the sooner we can have our talk. Is she worried that I don't love him? I'm just a little confused, anyways, she will come to it, she is an amazing woman and she will come through, I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I am going to do what's right by Dean no matter what. Goodnight readers


- iBen =]x

Saving our own lives

Is there a sign above my head that says 'use me, abuse me'. Being a caring person is terrible, caring people get taken for granted, they'll do anything you want no matter how you treat them. Well at least that's what some people think, it's like a sign of weakness. She wouldn't dare slap Isaac across the face, oh god no she wouldn't, then why is it okay for her to do it to me. What makes it unfair though is that I look after her, I do things for her, he doesn't. How is it fair that I get treated like a door mat, that I have to bend over for her because no one else will and then after that she can treat me however she wants, just because she knows I will still help her, because I love her. I'm over being over it, and I'm just over being over being over it, and there's nothing I can do, I need to break free, I need to get out. The water looks cold, I'd imagine the freezing water would overkill the feeling of drowning. Waves are just, they don't discriminate, it's fair, you don't go into the ocean unless you can handle it, that's fair, it doesn't pick the weak and tackle them, you have a choice. Would any of these people do anything if they saw someone run down and jump in? Waves are chaotic, they thrash you against the rocks, there's no survival in that situation, then why would they sit and watch while it all goes down? Selfish pricks, where do I go from here, I don't know, I just want to drive, and keep driving, just see how far I can go. Come back tomorrow and then just forget about it, like usual, mum never wants me to be angry with her for more than a day, she knows I think about leaving, and she needs me, because she has no one else, no one else that she can get to help her and treat like shit. I just need to stop thinking for a while.


- iBen =]x

Six Feet Under The Stars

Its an All Time Low song, I guess I found some songs to suite my mood. I'm in an alright state of mind at the moment, like I am sore, my armpit hurts whenever I move my right arm, I keep getting these headaches, ulcers came back and my throat hurts whenever I eat, but despite all that I'm pretty good. I recently read over my earlier blog posts and I remembered why I made this blog, it was like a means of recording why I do things, the reasoning behind my actions. I found my first post where I referred to Dean, its funny because when Lauren told me that she was reading my blog (months ago), I sort of freaked out and then I made references directed to her, that was around the time I first came across Dean and so since I was in a directive state of writing I would wright things like "You're cute, I like your smile, you should smile more often, it looks good on you, even though your face is cute without a smile" - Scene, just because only I knew who I was talking about, ha it would be kinda weird if he found my blog ay, wouldn't it? Was he as into me as I was into him? I dunno, the fact is we are where we are now, and its pretty bloody fantastic, despite the physical fact that he is down the coast, but you get what I am saying.

This sort of got me thinking, things have changed so much from March, but then again it all started in March, I started this blog in March, and I first worked up the courage to start conversation with Dean in March, and since then my journey has been a roller coaster with family, school, friends and my health, mental and physical, and then there is Dean, whom has been the best thing that has ever come my way. I am so happy with how life has played out since then, its funny, that we were pretty much already a couple before I asked him and now it seams that we are pretty much living together even though we aren't.

Its mental that I have been with him pretty much everyday for the past 5 months, I thought it would be a lot harder to not see him for one or two days, but its good, because I know that its for the best, the job would be awesome, except now he wont get it because he needs a licence =\ Thats good though, he did say he didn't want the job, and he can always find one up here. Ah, Bali in about 6 days, that will be a whole 10 days without Dean, now that is mental, I need to get one of those sim cards, I'll be messaging him like crazy, sending him pictures and keeping him up to date, I'll get him an awesome present =D Oh and the day I get back is going to be our 6 month mark, Neil seams to have passed on to a better place so I reckon we should go buy a fern together, like a symbolic plant of us, I guess you see those cheesy relationships where they celebrate like monthly anniversaries and stuff, I don't think a fern is cheesy, I reckon it would be pretty awesome, something we can both look after.

Okay well its 12:57 am so I best get some sleep, I am back on pill duty so it shall be a fun morning for me =]

Much love, rectify.

Team iHappy for Worlds Greatest Shave 2011!

I have recently started a blog site dedicated to fundraising, charity and social justice events, it is called Team iHappy, it would be much appreciated if my readers would check it out by clicking here.

At the moment it is focusing on the Worlds Greatest Shave in March 2011, it would be fantastic if you joined or sponsored Team iHappy to reach our target goal of $2000. It is extremely simple to join the team, all you have to do is follow the Join Team button on this page and create an account, package containing a receipt booklet and other very useful material w

ill be delivered to your postal address in a few days. It doesn't matter where you live, anyone can be part of Team iHappy, as long as participate in the activity during March 10-12 and send in all receipt booklets used and unused. If the shaving your hair puts you off you can always colour usign non-permanent hair colour, or you can be more adventurous by colouring or shaving your facial hair, or even waxing the hair off your back, chest or legs, whatever floats your boat.

Then again for those that don't want to join you can always sponsor by clicking here.

Here is a poster I have made for the event, blog it, tweet it, share it on facebook if you will, it

would be much appreciated to get the word out.

Carer

So I'm in a pretty terrible situation at the moment, I've got my boyfriend down the coast in the company of Hugh while he's trying out for a job, and I have my mother sleeping on the lounge downstairs, bed ridden and incapable to the simplest of tasks which puts me as the carer since she is my mother. The fact that Dean is persuing a job down the coast doesn't annoy me, well sort of, I mean its fantastic, he is moving on in life, getting a job, a place of his own, what bothers me is that I am left behind, I'd love to move down with him and find a job down there, but that decision is up to him. Also that tonight Hugh is paying him a visit at his dads place is a little annoying, because its Hugh, I've tried to be his friend, but the fact that he wont accept that Dean and I are together frustrates me, he treats Dean as that guy that he would love to get with, and thats not fair on Dean, not to mention how frustrating it is for me, but Dean tries to keep that friendship and Hugh just seams to want more. Its quite annoying that he is there and I'm not, especially at his dads house, like I've been there once and was accused of being his partner, whats going on now that Hugh is there, and if he stays then his dad is just gonna be even more suspecting, does Hugh even care that Dean isn't out, I do contain myself so that Dean's parents don't know, and then Hugh is just like, heyy I'm gonna come visit you for the night.. But its what Dean wants, he wants Hugh over because after all he is his friend, even though he sounded so disappointed with the situation, I'm sure he will sort everything out, I trust him =] Oh yea, the mother part, so mum had a hysterectomy and she is completely useless when it comes to doing anything so I, the son living under her roof, am the carer, I've been staying up all night to get her to take her pills, waking up in early hours of the morning for more pills, and then driving everywhere in a manic rush leaving me with about 2 hours of the day to myself, there is nothing fun about this. But she is my mum, and she has done so much and more for me for the past 18 years of my life, so I'm sure I can last however long her recovery time will take, besides, I've been there for her in much worse positions then what she is in now..

I just concluded that what I blog is of pretty much no interest to anyone, why would anyone want to read this, but heyy, this blog is mainly for me, its my way to unwind and just release some stress and thoughts that plague my mind, except that they still plague my mind, its just good to talk about it, even if its to no one I know.

One step further

I don't know why I brought it up, but when now when I saw the word suicide, I just mentally break down, I almost cried tonight, right in front of Dean, only way I could hold it back was to just not talk, just try and think about anything else. It's really not nice to have a memory of your mother screaming at you that she would be better off with me dead, that I should go kill myself, and when she said it she meant it. In front of my younger brother too, yea thanks, like I haven't done enough to try and protect him and now he has more reason to hate me. I don't have the scars on my wrists, I was lucky enough to not slide the knife across, he has no idea what I have been through, but he's just a kid, it's okay. I even had to wear my glasses, I had to wear my damn glasses because I didn't want to put him in an awkward position, I don't want to freak him out with my problems, hell, how do I know that anything that I've been through is even remotely as bad as what he has been through, it's selfish of me to think that my problems are so big, I should just suck it all up and be a man about it. I cry, I don't ever want to hurt myself, I don't intend to, I need to get the hell away from this lifestyle, I want to get away, I want to go somewhere, I want to escape with Dean, I want to be with him, away from all the running around for everyone else's crap, wrestling, posting, buying crap, giving lifts, picking up mums friends, it's just not for me, it may sound selfish, but I can't stand helping the cycle continue when the cycle has caused so much damage to me. I don't know what I ramble about, it just trails off, I'm sorry that I had to be in such a crappy mood with Dean so that I could contain my sorrow, argh god damn facebook apps, sorrow can suck it.


- iBen =]x

Crying

It's a bit of a kick in the face, it was seriously the last thing I was expecting to hear. He told me how much he hated living down there and how he never wanted to live there, and now hes got a job interview down there and will be moving into his dad's flat.. It's two things that are making me sad, confused and worried, one is that he said he wouldn't but now he seams so keen for it, and the other that he will most likely do it. Its a good opportunity for him, he'll have a good paying job and a flat to live in, but he would be so far away, I wouldn't be able to cope with it, I'm not even coping with the idea of it, and that its already in the making. I feel so bad for being sad, its the worst feeling to feel bad for being sad, I feel so bad and selfish for not wanting him to go, like he could find a job up here, theres no flat but there is me, it might be easy for him to not be able to see me but I can barely last one day without him. My eyes hurt, and my face now feels salty, you know how you cry so much that the tears pour down your face and you can taste them in the back of your mouth, I have that. I don't want to hear about it, its making me so sad, I'll just see how things play out..

As I lay ticking away

As I lay here I look over to my desk across the room, it lives the life of a rushed boy, a man to busy to spare the shortest of time to mange his belongings so that there would be room to actually put use to his work space, it lives the life of a lie. I'm not busy, I've got plenty of time, I spend a lot of it with Dean, but I have spent most the day lazing around the unit, to little motivation to even throw his rubbish on the floor, it piles next to me on my lonely bed. I wish I could get into the habit of creative writing, I'd love to be a columnist of some sort, maybe music review or something, I love music and I believe I have a pretty great judgment on taste of music. My bonsai doesn't seam to happy, I wouldn't be too happy if someone was containing and limiting me, bending and manipulating me into an image that they wish me to be, this is not taming, this is torture. I don't know what's got up my nose but I feel the need to criticize my lack of care for freedom, I've always thought myself to be a person that puts freedom into practice at it's full extent, but I look at this bonsai and contradict myself, however, I have my justifications. This bonsai is like a child, a child is nurtured and guided down a path that leads then to be civilized human beings, the child is taken to school, educated in both intellect and social interactions. If this child was not shown how to do all that, where would they end up? They wouldn't become a civilized, educated human being, this is what divides us with savages, the savages that have no control nor consideration for life. Compare this to the bonsai, I am guiding it to be a tamed beauty, it will become lovely, something spectacular, people will marvel over how fascinating and intricate it is. I am containing it, on the grounds to guide it into a pleasant site, if I let it grow into a tree, it would become large, untamed and out of control, it would become an eye sore to people, eventually someone will come around to cut it down as they did to the trees out the front of our block of units, I am saving it from a life of loss, and allowing it to live a life of remembrance. Every time I looked at Neil I am reminded of the night we got him, when I went to Bunnings with Dean and Lauren to buy him. It reminds me of Dean and my love for him, it is a symbol of my love, and if I nurture it properly it will out live me, now isn't that mental. I have no idea what to do right now, it's 5:54 pm, mum said she was o her way home just before 3, she's probably gone to her boyfriends place and left me home alone. I hope so, I'd rather be home alone than home with her, not because it's her but because I am starting to enjoy my own company, and I'd rather be in a mood of happiness and bliss then one of unpredicted emotions, but, I would much rather be here with Dean. In a couple days we would have been seeing each other for five months, I love him, I love us. I'm making part of his Christmas present right now, but it's a secret so I can't even put it on my blog, but it should be pretty epic, in sure he will love it. Right now he is down the coast, crap I've got to message him. The other night his sister had somewhat of a fit to his mum about Dean introducing me to his dad as his boyfriend, which didn't happen at all, we had a massive talk before I met his dad about how straight and masculine manlike friend I am going to act, which I did. The thing is that she likes to stalk Deans facebook and he said she's probably stalking mine as well so she's most likely put two and two together, but it's so not fair of how they act to Dean. I can see the little family society thing that Dean's mum has told me about, its like an alliance between Dean's dad and sister, and its as if they try to puppet Dean around, put pressure on him, interrogate him, question him, it's frustrating. I know if my family done it to me, I'd bail on them, no way would I sit there and take their crap, maybe it's not as bad as it sounds, but I get worried about it, especially because I feel quite helpless. I tend to get worried when I'm in situations where I feel that I can't help, it's a things that spawned from years ago. Point is, in worried for him, I hope he handles it well, if not I'm sure he will talk to me about it, I want to be there for him in any way possible. I draw this post to a close, I must start cooking dinner soon, I am getting quite hungry, much love.


- iBen =]x

RTOTD

Okay so this is an idea I had the other night while reading six billion secrets, its my random texts of the day. There's all these people on that site wanting to suicide and inflicting self harm, so many people that are doing it tough, and then there's the people that are saved by a simple smile or text message, it's so easy to smile or text someone, and something so simple can have the most greatest outcome. So I have decided to send random texts to people everyday, people chosen at random and I'll just let them know how much they mean to me, what I like about them, a good memory I have about them, all the goods and stuff. By spending that little amount of time out of my day to make someone happy is most definitely worth it, so I'm starting today, I'll make sure to update the outcomes of my RTOTD. Peace

Stupid Me

Depression is a bitch, it just likes to sneak up on you and slap you in the face, makes you feel responsible for faults, guilty, regret, and of course sad. I hate it, it's like just when you think you got it under control it just comes up and says 'psych, everything sucks for you' and you sink into this hole of grief. I don't want to sleep, I don't want to be awake, I don't want to wake up, I don't want to be alone, I don't want to do these damn exams, I hate complaining, I'm reverting typing so much don'ts, I don't like it, there it is again, I want to focus on what I like. But I can't seam to do that when I'm alone, I should start seeing a psychologist again, the last one was so unhelpful though, damn gypsy woman was all like, so tell me about so and so, hmm I see and how do you feel about that.

I don't know, I like being happy, very much so, right now I feel guilty, I feel like I've come into Dean's life and messed with a system that has been working for him, like paying his bills an stuff, and then I come along and take him out and sorta wreaks with the system, maybe it's true or maybe it's just the guilt trip of depression. Am I an emotional dead weight? Do I drag people down? Its like I'm forced to think that I do, and the more I think about it the more I believe that I am, but I don't think I am, I'm pretty sure I'm not, I try not to be, I don't think I've ever put pressure onto Dean about my emotions, I try not to unload emotions onto other people, it makes me feel guilty like I'm putting weight onto their shoulders, I never hinted to him that I'm depressed, no I'm not depressed, I'm just going through a stage, but yea I've never really hinted that I've been going through a bad stage, I probably should because I think those are things that couples talk about, I'd love for him to share his emotions with me if he's going through tough times, which he probably is, he might be doing the same thing I'm doing, not wanting to burden, but I guess it's not a burden, well I wouldn't feel burdened by him sharing how he feels, I'd feel loved, and important that he is sharing something like that to me, and I'd most definitely help in anyway possible, I guess maybe I should tell him that I'm feeling a little down, but I don't even know why I feel down. It's so stupid, it's like I've got a problem but there isn't actually a problem there, my stuff at home is normal life problems I suppose and I just don't know. I can't expect him to pressure something out of me when I've given him like no reason to suspect somethings up, maybe tomorrow I could have some one on one time with him, why should I be so worried, why do I worry so much, I'd probably scare him off with all my worrying, I feel very anxious, argh I hate anxiety. I'm surprised how well he is doing with all the stresses he has, if I was in his position I'd definitely crack, he's strong, unless he's like me and hides it behind a smile, even then he is strong to put on the mask, I love him, and now I'm worried that he might not be doing as well as he seams, I miss him. How could I last a weekend without him if I can't even last tonight, but I guess tonights different.

In the end, the things I'm going through are probably normal things that everyone goes through, I just need to grow up and deal with it I guess, I'm so not keen for this exam.


- iBen =]x

I Hate Being Alone

So here I sit, alone on my bed surrounded by all these bloody books. Ugh how I hate this, I hate just sitting here, it feels like such a huge waste of time, time I could be spending with friends and Dean. I like to live for the now, I like to always be doing something, I love to be into what I am doing right now, rather then worry about what will come later down the track. The whole study stuff annoys me, I cant imagine anyone enjoying expressing the imaginary part of 1/(1-z) in terms of theta, but I guess in life there are things you have to do whether you enjoy them or not, but things like this are not fair, we shouldn't have to sit such stupid exams to determine our level of intelligence. Bah, talking about what shouldn't have to happen is unfortunately not going to change the fact that it will happen. Thats another thing I hate, that we cant change anything by talking about it, wow I just realized how lazy that sounds, I cant wait until HSC is over, I want to go on a road trip with Dean, but I cant until I do all this dy dx crap.

We went out to Castros last night, Castros is a LGBT club, it was so awesome. We went by ourselves so we didn't know anyone there but people came up to us and were really friendly, I love gay people lol. We made some friends, they're really nice people, there were some bisexual guys, which added to my theory that they are pretty horny lol. Although there were some pretty sleazy guys, this one guy that was dancing with Dean and I, he was a really nice guy but then I think he grabbed my hand and I was like 'ahh' *grabs Dean* lol, I guess he was just being friendly, but I think I might be a little paranoid that there are heaps of sleazy guys.

I've been writing this post for way too long, keep getting sidetracked with television. I guess I'll just sum it up now, ciao.

Love it

So is it normal for me to miss him, like I want him here with me, just lying here, sleeping. Lying in bed tired as hell, yet I still wish I was with him, I thought it would be best for him to get a good nights sleep in his own bed for once instead of the floor or couch. But yea just got home from cruising with some friends, really nice lesbian couple, they're so cute how open and affectionate they are. Oh yea so we didn't end up going to tennis, Hugh decided not to come because of me pretty much, its like he's not even trying to be Deans friend, it's sort of like no Ben get out of the picture. But I don't feel that way, I'm pretty sure Dean sees what's going on, I don't think Hugh will be happy with a friendship status, he needs to snap out of it, if he did then I probably wouldn't feel like punching him in the head sometimes, like who does that, it's like he's trying to cut me out, but that's really not fair on Dean or I.

Ugh I keep having little micro sleeps while I'm typing this, I'm so tired. Which reminds me, I should start eating green vegetables and take iron supplements, specialist said I'm iron deficient and possibly folic deficient which causes me anemia, explains why I'm tired sometimes. Argh I should have stayed at Deans to watch supernatural, I could have spent a night with him instead of home alone, but I wanted him to get some rest, he's got sore bones so I thought he should sleep in his chiropractor bed thing.

I was thinking of working out but I don't think I have the energy to, or motivation really, I'm not really into the whole looking buff, I like the slim physique, like Dean, he's got an amazing body, is it weird that my posts keep somehow referring back to him, I mean he's only on my mind like all day.. But yea, we were going to start jogging together, I'd like to, I don't know if I'd be able too, my lungs are pretty messed up, but I'd really like to, depends =]

Dean said he started a blog, that's pretty cool, I wonder what he would talk about, like would he talk about me as much as I do about him? I'm sure he'd tell me things, like I don't hide anything from him, if he asks then I'll tell him, but would I give him my blog site, cause he wouldn't tell me his and I guess that's understandable because I'm not sure I I would tell him mine, like it's not that I would hide something on here, it's just I keep being like, I love him I love him I love him, and I think I make him feel a little uneasy when I say that too him, but I really do. I wish I was with him right now. I've never seen a smile that can light the room like yours... you had me at hello, he's just so amazing, I guess I'll see him tomorrow morning, oh how I wish it was morning. I wonder if he knows how much control he has over me.

Anyways, I should sleep now, time seems to fly when your asleep, ciao bloggers =]

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

In My Head

Cause the song is playing at the moment, but otherwise... yea your still in my head.

So yea I feel great, I'm happy, Dean's just gone off to work and yea I know I'll be alone for the rest of the day but it doesn't seem to worry me right now, things are looking pretty good. We went to the spa on Monday afternoon, it was good lol, well it was like most other times, theres always some weird person or people that hop in while we're in there, haha it was pretty funny because Dean was acting all gay and stuff in front of them, unfortunately I didn't catch on lol. Oh yea, so Hugh, Deans friend, the one thats a little obsessed with him, is coming up to play tennis with him on Thursday, so he invited me to come play and yea I hope it will go okay, its just I have no reason to trust that Hugh wont try something, I know he is probably a great friend and Dean really wants to keep that friendship strong, I just don't know if Hugh is able to accept that they are just friends, I hope he does cause its not fair on Dean that they're friendship would have to suffer, and its not comfortable for me when it feels like hes trying to take Dean from me. Like taking him to Sydney to go out, like he knows I'm here, it's not really what a friend does, like whenever my friends invite me somewhere they invite Dean as well, but you know its a bit odd to take someones boyfriend out but not their partner so obviously he still is obsessing over Dean. Is that all I do, complain? Its just not fair on Dean, its not fair when you try hard to be a friend when they want more, sorta like with Jessye, eww, but yea its like when Sarah introduced me to Jessye because he had like no friends, but then when I became his friend and introduced him to my friends he just became so... whats the word, "look at me I'm a missive homosexual and I like to wear nail polish and do homosexual stuff" Thats not really the same circumstances but its the same situation, like you try to be someones friend when they want something different in return.

Ew seeing that name in my blog makes me a bit ugh. I just got a message from dad, its my cousins birthday next month so they're having a party or something at my grandparents on the 6th November, Its Suma's birthday party that night as well so I can stop into my grandparents during the day and then head to Newtown in the afternoon, I hope Dean would be alright with coming, I'd like him to come.

But yea, I'm fair tempted to paint the walls, not pro like, just splatter paint everywhere, in my head it looks pretty awesome. I'm hungry, I might dig into this chocolate frosting stuff Dean and I got, omg it tastes so good, but I should have breakfast first. I've always pictured myself as being someone that I would hate, I really don't think I would like me if there was two of me, I don't mean I would hate me if I was someone else, I mean like if there were two of me, I would hate the other me, I think because he knows me, like he would be able to predict me way to well and oh god, like I would think 'hmm I could like frame things on him' but he would think the same and it would be a race to whoever frame the other first but we both know that were racing each other so we would have to take out the competition so we would both try to kill each other and all this thought process would be in the space of like a split second so were both just staring at each other thinking 'kill him' but then I would think 'nah lets forget about this and just live a normal life' but knowing me I would see this as a sign of weakness and kill the other while they have dropped their guard, I really cant trust myself with my weaknesses, is that terrible that I would kill my other self at the slightest sign of weakness? I don't care if it is, cause the situation will never arise, I just like to talk shit sometimes, keeps my mine active =]

All is right in my life, sort of =]

Sometimes I look into the mirror and don't understand what I see.

It's just, how did I get to this, and why. I try so hard to be happy, but when I am alone I am so weak, its just my thoughts go crazy, they're so negative, I don't want to think these thoughts anymore. I want to be happy, I am happy, oh god I'm so fricken happy yet its like my mind just wont accept it.

Those bloody television shows annoy me, it portrays nothing of reality, and is that why we love them? It portrays worlds that are not possible in our own, but we are so fixed on them that we create them within or reality. Everyone puts so much shit on Squidwart, he never cops a break, never, and he does nothing wrong to deserve it. He depicts the typical everyday man, working hard for his dreams yet everything just blows up in his face and we deem that as acceptable because its a cartoon. I hate it, I don't even know why its bothering me so fricken much, I just hate misrepresentations of reality. It's like everything is fun and games when your a kid, yea mummy is just playing dead on the floor, ha ha look shes got a mouth full of skittles and tic tacs.

I didn't ask to be sad, I would like to think that no one does, I hate that all I am doing now is ranting about my sadness, I don't like it. Depression chose me, its like it was destined to be, you'd think the doctor would be kind enough to tell it to your face that I am at a high risk of getting depression but no, prevention is a lot better then the cure.

.

Do you think hermit crabs get sad when they change shells, do they get attached to one home and then cry because they're to big for it. The worst part when I cry is that sometimes, I don't know if I'm crying because I have thoughts of killing myself, or because I'm too scared. I know now that its because of the thoughts, but when you are in that position, when you are right there and everything is caving in on you, you cant remember which one it is. But I'm much stronger then I credit myself with, there is no way in the world that I could, death is already coming for me so there is no need to meet it half way. I want to grow old, I want to live life, I love life, its full of happiness, I just need to learn how to cope with being on my own, I need to cure the thoughts in my head.

When I am with him I forget all of it, none of the past matters because I am with him in the now. When I'm with Dean I am happy, like a kid receiving a kinder surprise after he bashes his head on the supermarket floor until his nose bleeds.. Theres not a moment when I am with him that I don't feel happy, like everything is going to be okay. Even the moments of silence, I can look to him and I know that hes here with me.

I love his smile, he has the most beautiful smile, and his eyes are amazing, I don't think he likes me calling him beautiful.. But he is. Hes funny, witty, theres never a dull moment when were together. Hes caring, and hes always there when I need him. I cant tell if I'm hungry or not..

But yea, Dean is amazing, and yea.. Just, he has a friend that is in love with him, and it makes me feel weird. Its an odd feeling, knowing someone obsesses over someone you love, but what makes it worse is that he can offer him things like all expenses paid trip to Thailand, I cant do that, and he loves Thailand. I cant buy his love, and if I could I wouldn't want to, I'd like to be able to take him to Thailand, but I can offer him my love, its no Thailand but its love. Its not jealousy, I've had the best of times with Dean and a lot of them have been free, and I wouldn't change those times for anything. It just annoyed me a bit that I'm here with, 'heyy lets go to the spa' when he has Thailand, ah well, that reminds me, I could do with a spa, so keen right now.

Well its been almost two hours, and I've done no studying for my exam that starts in about 8 hours, I just cant study, but I feel great that I was with Dean today and that I was able to stop crying, and even now I feel a lot of weight lifted from when I started this post. This song, She Is - The Fray, always loved the fray, and its a great song.

Thing

I don't know.

I hate everything, I hate these kids television shows, they make me anxious. I hate hearing, my ears hurt. I hate this feeling, the floor is irritating. I hate fucking everything, I hate it.

You know whats fucked, when your own mother tells you that shes better off without me, that I should do her a favor and just kill myself, she doesn't know that I think the same thing, she doesn't know how much I have wanted to just end my life, I don't give a fuck, I hate being alone, because I never am. I'm here with my messed up head, my thoughts telling me to go cut myself, go take that bottle of pills, just fucking do it. I hate being alone, and here I am, alone in a house full of sharp objects and pills, so many fucking opportunities.

What hurts me the most is that she can fucking do it, she can feel this way, think this way and act this way and act like shes the only one. She can overdose on her pills and then expect everyone to treat her differently because it doesn't happen to anyone else, I'm fucking sick of it, the only reason I don't is because of her, and then she shoves that fucking "I'm not well" shit in my face which makes me want to do it even more, maybe if she saw that I'm not well, maybe if she saw me in the mental house instead of her she would understand, is that what it will take to make her understand, do I have to snap and go overboard for her to understand?

Who the fuck says that to their child, what fucked up being would tell their child to go kill themselves.

Were not meant to be like this, humans, how could people have been so stupid as to evolve and progress, how damn foolish. All I want to do is live, but this is not living, the fuck is this, its a laptop, why do I need this, I don't need the Internet, I don't need a fucking couch or television, we don't need this, we don't need education, we don't need government, we don't need anything. Humans have fucked themselves over, sadness is an illness spawned from humans greed and idiocracy to want more.

I really need to get out, go far away. I'm beginning to think I may be the catalyst in these situations, it happened at dads. He kicked me out, now mum wants to, mum hates me, she absolutely hates me, she wants me fucking dead. Is it my lack of sharing, is it that I cant tell people that I am unwell, that I'm having these thoughts, and it leads to them not understanding why I act the way I do. I cant tell them though, what would they do, mum would laugh, act like my life is so perfect compared to hers, I hate how she fucking compares, or would she break down and think that its all her fault, she'd take another bottle and go bye bye.

Damaged Petals

I'd like to tell Dean everything, about Isaac, about mum, I don't know how he'd react, might be too much for him, might make him understand a few things, he might not care, he'll probably just act how he usually does, I worry too much about how people will react to things rather then actually doing it and then facing the reaction unprepared. The other night when mum threatened me with a knife, it wasn't even the worst welcome home I've had, It's stupid that I can't even find the courage to tell a heap of random people I have never met. When I was twelve Isaac attempted suicide, I was the one that found him in a puddle of his own blood on the bathroom floor with knife cuts all across his arm, that was a nice welcome home. To top that, later that year coming home with Isaac, mum was nowhere to be found, finally we went in her room to find her face down on her bed with empty pill boxes next to her, we managed to get her on the floor and while Isaac called the ambulance I had to stick my fingers down her mouth to make her vomit up the pills and scrape them out of her mouth, fucking great welcome home for a twelve year old. My childhood hasn't been the easiest nor has it been the hardest, crying myself to sleep most nights, trying to forget everything, praying to god that one day it will all stop, it's finally stopped now, but things are still not good. How can I be expected to be normal after going through that, and mum has the nerve to tell me that I've had a great life, that I've had Christmases and presents all the time, well if you make a cake with all the right ingredients it's a good cake, but if you throw a knife and some pills in that cake it's gonna turn out pretty damn bad. It's understandable, when Tupac said not to blame the rose that grew from concrete for it's damaged petals, it's not exactly easy to turn out good when you've been through so much bad.

Much ado about everything

Everything is just fine, like why am I here, I don't want to be here, why cant I move from here, why am I so afraid to pack my shit and leave. Who wants me here, more so who needs me here, less so who cares if I'm here. Why bother, everything blows up in my face.

I can't say that I have had the worst dealt to me, but you'd think that your own mother coming at you with a knife would be pretty bad. Shes already damaged me, a knife could only heal what I've seen, as she came at me in my head all I could think was 'do it, please just do it' I just cant take that shit anymore, I don't want to die, but I don't want to be here.

Procrastination

So I'm sitting in the school library during my double free period this morning, and nothing seams to be bothering me, I have nothing on my mind beside the constant thought "think of something to do" while I observe my surroundings and make note of the people and objects that I could interact with. It's funny, to think of thinking of doing something, it's a waste of thought, procrastination at it's best, let's not do anything and sit here thinking of thinking of something to do. Even better procrastination is that I am sitting here blogging about me thinking about thinking of doing something. What's worse is that I am telling you about my procrastinating when you are already aware that I am procrastinating, ha, I am a success, that took up about five minutes of my sitting around doing nothing time. In one context it may be that my success is a failure because I wasted five minutes on typing about my procrastination, but in my context my failure is my success because my procrastinating has taken me from the thinking stage of doing something and finally put it into action, now that you are all aware that my procrastination is my motivation to do something, we can lay back for a second and admire the blissful truth in the ironic paradox that motivation comes from procrastination, my mother would be so proud.

This is what I do when I am put in a position where I don't want to interact with my environment, I think to myself and discuss among my thoughts about certain situations I may find myself in and how I should resolve a crisis that could emerge in that situation. My favorite situation to situate myself in is ridding on a bus, so many things could happen on a bus, so many that I have thought of and an infinite that I haven't. I like to think about what I would do if the bus tipped, a fight broke out, the bus driver had a heart attack, the person behind me steels my bag, the person next to me pulls out a gun, we drive off a bridge and the bus fills up with water, stuff like that, how would I react if the situation ever happened, the only thing is that the things I situate myself in rarely happen so I am left unprepared, but I suppose everyone in life is unprepared, no one knows what will happen next, we make plans for the future, but the future does not live by our plans, for all I know the school could burn down within the hour, that ruins my plans to pick Dean up from work this afternoon, nothing in life is certain. Now my day dreams of fantasy situations seam somewhat useless, but that couldn't be any further from the truth, what else am I supposed to do while I sit here in solitude, these thoughts keep me sane, they keep me procrastinated from interaction with the environment around me, thus leads to my motivation to act in my own interest, in other words, blog.

Well I have procrastinated enough, it is about time I reemerge from my hermit state and grasp with reality once more, much love, iBen.

Bad Day -_-

I'm hungry, I'm pissed off and I'm tired. I'm sore, I'm wrong, I'm selfish and I'm a prick. I'm annoyed, I'm confused and I've just had enough. You can't change people so why does she expect me to change for her, I'm just not good enough for her way of life, the only solution is getting out. Instead of yelling at me an expecting results she should at least help me be independent so that I can move out and do us both a huge favor.

I'm tired, I do not want to be here, I just want to get to my bed and rest, I just want to close my eyes and sleep for a while. Would I still take the red pill, the ignorance could be so blissful from the truth, but the truth could set me free from the lifestyle that I share. I'm sick of taking pills, but I'll be sick from not taking pills, I hate these decisions.

Religion doesn't answer my questions, I pray that it will answer yours.

I Want Short Breaths

Lyrics from Crimewave - Crystal Castles, why, because nothing they say is straight forward, it's conceptual lyrics, you've got to think about how things relate in certain contexts. It has been three months since my first date with Dean, back then it was only a dream to wake up and have him lying next to me, now its a reality. What I need right now is to take a look at the hurdles that lie ahead of me that if i don't overcome now, they will become barriers, barricading me from reaching my full potential.

1. Isaac
2. My mother
3. My health
4. This couch

Well firstly the problem with my brother is that he is a prick, I suppose its not entirely his fault for how he turned out but that's another story and its his choice to continue to act the way he does and do nothing about changing it. The problem is that he and I don't and wont get along for some time until he changes, so I have to have little interaction with him, hopefully it will get through to him that the way that he acts is tearing this family apart. Worst part though is the memories, of him at his worst, the people he hurt and how he made me feel helpless and hopeless. When I saw a situation that involved an older sibling being verbally abusive, the catalyst in the negative environment, it reminded me of how Isaac would lash out, hit mum, hit me and make me feel like there was nothing I could do to help the people I love, I got scared and anxious, its just the memories make me feel useless and weak. I don't know how to resolve this problem, I have tried extending my help to the victim, someone important to me, but maybe the situation isn't as bad as it seams to be for me and they can deal with it easily. I guess this problem is probably best resolved with my shrink =S

The mother! dum dum duuum. That was my lame attempt of intensifying the situation.. don't judge me.. okay you can judge me. As much as I love my mother, she drives me crazy, I never know what she is going to do or want next. She'll get me to drive her around then tell me to stop using so much petrol, she'll have a go at me for crashing my car and then without warning buy me another car, she'll tell me to stop spending so much money (okay so i spend about 150 max a week) then she goes and buys a $2500 3D Plasma television. That stuff I can deal with I suppose, shes going through menopause and is hormonal as hell, and I guess I'm the only one around to take her frustrations out on, still its not fair that I get yelled at and told off when I am the only one of her children that actually does things for her. What makes it worse is when she gets hypocritical, such as 'Ben you didn't wash the frying pan' when the sink is full of dirty dishes built up over the past days that I haven't even been there. I am happy to clean up my mess and look after myself, I can do work for two people but why should I when she yells and hurls abuse at me, if she asked nicely and thanked me for completing tasks shes asked me to do then it would be progressive towards the next time she asks me to do something. My only solution for this is to move out, but I suppose I can't do that for another 3 months minimum.

My health isn't that bad of a problem as it used to be, since I have been with Dean I have started eating different things, and I have had a positive outlook on my future health. I want to be fit and healthy, my small steps are slowly adding up and I already feel more motivated then before. Swimming, small home work outs, hopefully more tennis with Dean and slowly but surely I'll get there.

Finally this couch, well Dean is coming over tonight and that is more then enough motivation to get off my ass and get over there to pick him up, so I end this blog on a positive note, and here's my words of advice for the day, 'stay in school and stay away from drugs.'

He was only thirteen

It was taken from him before he was even given it. I apologize

I'm Back

It has been to long since I have last blogged, I haven’t had any internet for over a week which meant no facebook, no twitter, no msn and no blogging. The no social networking has been pretty good actually, I attained a greater appreciation for reality, taking in every little detail and microsecond of life and acknowledging its existence and relevance to my life. Seriously, when I had internet I was literally face down for half the day, looking for recent news within the cyber reality I became part of.

I don’t know if I am feeling like this because I am here or because I am away from Dean, I feel a little angry, agitated, annoyed, lonely and sad. I can understand that I feel angry and annoyed with being home with mum, she doesn’t seem to understand that I have been pretty stressed with my HSC, and yea, staying at Dean’s has been very stress relieving. I can’t relax when I am at home, just right now I feel really pissed off. I don’t know, I’m feeling a little down, I was reading some old stuff I wrote, before I blogged I would keep a virtual diary on my computer, only I saw them and only I know what they say. Some of them were pretty sad, and now it seams I have slipped a little into that area again, it doesn’t help when I am around my mother whom constantly brings me down with “you’ll never survive in the real world” crap, I cant wait till I move out. I have noticed a little bit of temperamental mood swings lately, when I am with Dean or friends I am happy, but when I come home I feel tense and a little angry and short tempered. Sometimes I can jump to conclusions but I am just saying that bi-polar could be a possibility, after all it does run in the family, but its most likely just hormones and crap, like mums menopausal mood swings and my teenage boy hormone crap just don’t mix. She can really piss me off sometimes though, I am the only one of her kids that actually helps her and she still has the nerve to call me unappreciative, I know why she always brings me down about not surviving in the real world every time I bring up moving out, she needs me. She wouldn’t be able to cope without me, so she brings me down so I feel as though I can’t survive and so I have to stay with her, fuck that, who does that, bring their own child down for their own benefit. I don’t know anymore, I think I should just go to sleep before my mind conjures up some other bizarre thought.

I am the devil boy

So I am Ben, and you people that are reading are reading my 70th post, I'm pretty stoked that I have been this commuted to a cause. So there are blogs out there with hundreds of followers, and that's amazing, people are obviously interested in what they have to say, I have 10, and I feel that that is a successful number for me, I don't aim on preaching to a wide audience, all I want in life is to be recognized and remembered, that has been my goal since a young child. So with that being said, I shall commence my thoughts and issues that have been bothering me over the last day or two.

Okay so Dean didn't end up going to lunch with his ex girlfriend yesterday, I think he wants to bring me with him. I know he would t have told her about being with me and being gay, who knows, maybe he is bisexual and still has feelings for her, then I don't know what I would do, how can you be with someone that can't love you to the extent that oh love them, but I feel that that isn't the case. I'm sure he is just fearful of reaction, he's not as lucky as I was, to be able to not care about repercussions and reactions. He does say he doesn't want to crush her, but I think that is just a way for him to stall, but I have said that j would never preside him into coming out so I did back of with telling him to tell her, although he did end up telling her that he was in a difficult situation. Maybe this weekend or something, he might ask me to go out for lunch with him and his ex, it would ease my mind knowing that the situation is being dealt with. Last night I asked him if he would move out with me, and I thought about when his ex would message him something like that and he would either not reply or use the excuse that he needs a proper job. So after I sent the message I expected either no reply or a no, which I told him was all hypothetical and that I wasn't suggesting anything yet. He replied with yes I would, and I was pretty happy, because I knew that it would take some time before it happened, I would have to finish school and find a job and he would need to find a job so it would take a few months but he said that he would be willing to wait that long and then move in together.

Speaking of moving out, I can not wait till I do. Mum has been annoying the hell out of me, she has a go at me for the stupidest things, if I mutter a word, bam, she starts yelling and throwing crap. What annoys me is the double standards, I have a party and the next day I clean up the place spotless, wipe down benches, vacuum, mop, wash dishes, spotless. She dropped a bottle of vinegar all over the kitchen floor over three days ago and it's still there, I haven't stepped foot in there because it's so gross. Enough of my whinging, my art work calls me.

Now they'll never find out

I've always told people how much I love this song, but not many (if any) people know what it's about. The Presets are simply amazing, one of them being gay influences their songs, this song in particular. It's called If I Know You, it's about this boy that had a relationship with another boy, but then he has a change in thought, he leaves his boyfriend and tries to hide his true self by dating a girl, he knows he doesn't like the girl but he feels that being who he is is wrong, so he lies. But love surpasses this barrier, his lover is still in love with him and knows that what he is doing is wrong, even though he stopped talking to him all together. What they had was so good, and how could he do this if what they were doing was so right. The point is listen to the song, the lyrics are amazingly insightful, and it has always been a situation on my mind that I thought would be so difficult on both sides, having such hate and doubt in who you are and being the partner that has had this done to them. I pray that what is happening with Dean and I will never come close to this. A couple of months ago Dean had a relationship with a girl, which I find somewhat reasonable yet odd, when I had girlfriends it was because I was trying to prove to myself I wasn't gay, but once I accepted I was then I stopped having any relationship along those lines with the opposite sex, that part I understand, but Dean accepted he was gay before I did, yet he still willingly had a relationship with her. They still talk regularly, and it was yesterday that really set things going. She sent him a message saying that she still liked him and that she thinks he probably has a girlfriend. He asked me what he should do, I told him to tell her, but no, I can't tell her, it'll crush her. Argh, it's crushing her slower by just leading her on, I tried telling him but no, it's different with her, he can't just tell her, so he replies with, no I don't have a girlfriend. Argh, I have an obligation to feel sorry for her, just a self obligation, but there is also the possibility that he is ashamed of who he is and wants to hide away, he said he want to be good friends with her but doesn't want to tell her or be with her. How about how I feel, like yea, it feels terrible, it's like you're a part of someone but they are ashamed of you. I don't think he intends it, but it feels like that, but I live him, and if I want to be with him I have to understand that he is going through a really tough stage, he is fearful of his families reaction, but he can still take my feelings into consideration. I think he sensed that I was upset, so he stopped showing me the messages and he sent a message and told me that he told her, now they're going out for lunch tomorrow, he asked me to come but I have school. I think he might have told her something, he may have wanted me there for support, it's so frustrating because this is a critical time for my studies but I love him. I don't know what else to say, I need to be there for him, but I have to let him know how I feel too.

It's too late to say you're sorry

I love Dean, I know I do, it seams all my thoughts somehow revolve around him or can be linked back to him. I used to think it was risky business falling in love, to much heartbreak, but that's a lack of faith thing, and I have faith in him and our relationship, I know he has strong feelings for me too, he's never said he loves me but neither have I, well face to face. Last night I sent one of those drunk messages to him because his phone was dead so he wouldn't have gotten it until we were both sober. It was pretty much me saying I love him and complaining that I never got to have a decent moment with him last night to tell him that I love him. Well it was mainly that but I also told him that I felt that I was invading and pushing my way into his life because I usually just turn up to his and stay the night. Am I not giving him enough space? I think I'm just over reacting to my own reactions, I feel that we don't act as a couple and then it freaks me that maybe we aren't acting like a couple, and then I think that maybe he doesn't want to be with me, but I over react, if he doesn't want to be with me then he wouldn't be there with me in the beginning. I'm worrying way to much, I should probably give him some space. Were always at his place and his mum and brother are there, if were not there then were with my friends doing something, we used to go to the spa on weekends, didn't this weekend because I had to clean the house and last weekend he was at his dads. We don't have enough alone time, I want to have just one on one so that we can just be, we won't have to hide from his family and he won't have to feel uncomfortable around my friends. Another thing, it's always my friends, I've met a few of his friends but only really know one and I only met her on three occasions, and he's already been to the snow with some of my friends for a couple of days. I don't know if he doesn't want me to meet them or if he doesn't want them to know about us or I don't know. There's this one friend of his that he keeps being temperamental with liking and disliking, and he keeps bringing him up and how he wanted Dean to go to Thailand with him in December and all this stuff and he's been very secretive about him. He said there's something about him but he'll tell me another time, then again it's probably just me thinking 'boyfriend talking to another guy' ah I don't want to be like that though but I'm still curious as to what the deal is with him. I don't want to be like 'no you can't talk to guys' because I still talk to this friend of mine. I trust him, and I know I wouldn't do anything to compromise things with him and I trust that he would feel the same. I think the message I sent him may have produced positive results, he just messaged me so yea.

My mum, as much as I love her, I just can't stand her lately. She's without a doubt going through menopause so she's moody as hell. I guess it's good for her that I'm living here, I'm the only one that has patience for her and can't tolerate her verbal and physical abuse. Physical abuse sounds to harsh, it's just throwing things and hitting, she's not bashing me, and it's good because I don't hit back, Isaac without a doubt would hit back and more, and my younger brother is being just as bad, I see so much of Isaac in him. No one has as much patience as I do, even if I do have to cop all the 'fucking idiot' 'selfish prick' 'inconsiderate bastard' I can deal with being mums punching bag, but yea, it's exhausting.

Overdose on love

Argh! Why must things be so difficult. I love him, I haven't told him but I find it hard to say, and then I think if i say it then it might become to easy to say and then it'll just be overused and lose meaning. I'm happy when I am with him, and it seams as though I become nasty when we are apart, I have felt snappy, short tempered and at times impatient with people, people mainly meaning my family, ie. mum and my younger brother. I think it would be best for me to probably stop staying at his place every night, all this week I have slept there with him and it's been great, I love it and I love being with him, but if it has come to a point where I am like this without him and I have pretty much become dependent on him for my happiness then it is time to slow down. I think I just need to spend some time at home, as much as I hate being here, I need to be able to function normally without him, not that I want to be without him, it's just that there will be times when I can't be with him and I need to know that I can be alright during those times. Argh listening to Angus and Julia Stone just makes me want to be with him even more.

An old friend messaged me yesterday, it was great to hear from him, I haven't seen him in months, I saw him a few times at his work early this year and every time I ran into him I had different coloured hair which he found fascinating. Lets say his name is N. I first found N on the GYC, we talked heaps and he was a really awesome guy. He was the first gay guy I met, he reminded me so much of one of my best friends Gavin, his attire, jeans and converses, and his personality, like when he messaged me he asked me to take over Guatemala with him and it reminded me of their likeness. Well yea he's a great guy and was very helpful and insightful, he was the first person I could confide in to help me accept who I am. So N messaged me yesterday and told me he was having a 'what does this all mean' situation that he needed help with, I told him I will do my best to help but he never told me the situation yet asked for an answer. I don't know if he wanted me to guess or assume the situation but I don't know, I feel a strong vibe coming from him and I think he may be having some problems and he needs someone to help him through.

One of my close friends was in hospital this week, he's been a long friend of mine and the news of what happened scared and saddened me. Blake's lung collapsed last Sunday night, I found out last night so I went and saw him today and was with him until he was sent home later in the evening. He was always a tall and slim guy, and the doctor said it usually happens to tall, slim people, but he also said that smoking, especially pot, increases the risk. He hasn't smoked since last weekend and plans to quit all together which I am very proud of, when we were kids, about 6 years ago (its funny how it seams so long ago yet the reality is that I have not traveled to far from my childhood) my mother gave four of my best friends a lecture making them promise not to let me smoke ever, these people were William, Keegan, Jeff and Blake, Blake has been the only one that looked out for me and made sure I never smoked, yes I am not perfect, I did smoke, cigarettes and marijuana, do i regret it, no, was it stupid, yes. My lungs have always been damaged and under-functional from pneumonia from an infant and two years ago, so I knew that smoking was the worst idea for me, but I did it, I wanted to try it, I am foolish and was only driven by the want to try something I knew would be harmful to me. Blake however never allowed me to smoke and wouldn't allow anyone to let me smoke, that's what I call a true friend, even though my foolish self wanted to, he did what he knew was best for me, not what I wanted, and that is what a true friend does. I believe in paying it forward, now that Blake has given up on smoking, I feel the responsibility to look out for my friends health and safety, it's so selfish for me to be treated with such respect and care from a friend if I don't deal the same respect and care back to them. My friend Brown wants to bring some weed to my party and I told him that I'm not going to let him smoke it, I don't want him smoking it in general, I told him he has a problem if he cant go the night without it, yet he says he can do without it he just chooses to do with it, which to me is saying 'I'm dependent on it'. Anyway, Blake being in hospital scared me, I was worried and still am for him, and it has changed my passive attitude towards my friends doing potentially harmful things.

I felt the title was relevant, I feel a sense of overdose on love, I love Dean, I love being with him, I love how helpful and willing strangers can be, I love how strangers can turn into memorable and close friends, I love how close friends really care, I love my friends and I love how I have so many issues right now that play with my love.

Just a boy

It's been a while since my last post, since then I have been both happy within myself but also disappointed with an action I have made. I shouldn't have done it, even though it may have needed to be done, it was on behalf of those that wouldn't, but still I shouldn't have. Doing so only contradicted myself, and for that I am somewhat disappointed in myself, I have no regret in what I did, it's just that I shouldn't have let it annoy me to the point that I had to do it. Now airbrush aside I shall move on.

I thought I hade a post for August, obviously not, I remember I was at Dean's at the turn of month because he gave me a pinch and a punch.. It weird not being with him, he went to visit his dad for a few days and I feel quite alone, I wouldn't normally, it's just that now I have no car and he is the only person that is walking distance from me so I can't go see my other friends which sucks. I miss him though, I'm so used to being with him, maybe that's a bad thing? Nah. I think his mum might have an idea that were together, maybe because one night I may have fallen asleep in his arms instead of on the couch..

Mum ran an idea past me the other day, she said she was thinking of moving to Melbourne and leaving me with the unit to get a roommate. I thought it was pretty cool, hasn't been thought out very well though because my younger brother needs my mum around. When I was at Dean's I brought that up and his mum said, "good, Dean can move in then." We looked at each other and were fighting back laughter, he seamed to agree with the arrangement but I added the terms that he has to be chained to the kitchen so that he can cook for me. I'd like for him to move in with me eventually, its been about two months since we first met and almost a month since we made it official, and I think I love him, it feels so cinch to say I love him but I think I do. Yea I think I do.

It was dad's birthday the other day, I called him and wished him a happy birthday, none of my brothers did, I don't blame them. Isaac has every right to not want anything to do with dad, my younger brother though, it's understandable, he is young and dad did kick him out and was a extremely unreasonable and rude in the process. Yea he kicked me out to, but I'm older, I can understand that dad wasn't doing to well and so I can forgive, after all he is my dad and I don't want to live my life without that figure, even though he hasn't played a huge role in my life. So it's understandable is what I am saying that my brothers didn't call or message him. I wanted to organize lunch or something with him but I would feel a little uncomfortable being just dad and I, but I thought dad would feel as though I'm being rude if I brought a friend or two. I don't like having bad ties with my family, it makes me feel inconsiderate, selfish and ignorant that I should complain about my bad relationship with family when there are others that have much worse relationships with their family, I choose not to has anything to do with Isaac for justifiable reasons but I chose not to talk to my dad mainly to the sake of punishment, which I think is stupid. Some people have fathers much worse than I and they don't complain, they're strong and I applaud and envy that they are strong enough to carry on and not complain, I have no right to complain and nor shall I anymore. I apologize for my selfish and inconsiderateness, I have no right to complain about aspects of my life which are nothing compared to the people around me.

I like to thing of myself as a helpful person, I like to help people, and if I can't help I will find someone or something that can help. I have found out that my words can be quite damaging, so if I could channel them to a right cause I am sure I could be successful.

An Enhanced State Of Mind

Over the past 145 days I have come further than I could imagine, I have faced my fears and conquered barriers I thought I never would. I have transformed from the sadness and hatred that once fueled me and now I am at the happiest state of mind I have ever been at. 145 days ago I set out on a journey and the path I have taken has been traced out in my blog, although the path ahead of me is unseen, it is not unclear.  My future is in my control and it will be what I make it to be, but not always what I want it to be. From here things can only get better, there is no such thing as going back to how I was, it is not possible for anything to bring me down when everything lifts me higher, I am bulletproof. Call it what you want, cocky, egotistic, ignorant, but it doesn't matter, because from here there is no falling no matter what people think can bring me down, it won't.

I think the main turning point in my journey that set it off in the right direction was when Isaac last lashed out, that's the thing about me, I can find positive in negative situations, does that make me a bad person, or resourceful, think about it. When I saw him lash out against my mother and grandparents it was like the things I tried so hard to repress burst out of me and I couldn't let any of this happen again, especially when my younger brother was around to witness it, so once I got in between them I face Isaac and I let out everything that I have held back from him over the past six years, verbally of course, but it hit him harder than any physical act he could do unleash upon me, you could see it in his face and in the reaction that came next. It may have appeared to everyone that I didn't think this through, being face to face with him while holding everyone behind me, but I did, at that point I wanted him to hit me, as sick as it may sound I was waiting for him to hit me, I say that I wanted him to hit me to prove my point about him, but I think I wanted him to hit me for himself. I would gladly take a blow if it mention that no one else had to, anyway I will stop trying to justify why I wanted him to hit me, but when it sealed I was vulnerable, my younger brother got between us, it was so odd to have my younger brother do this for me, and when he is determined to do something he will do it well. Isaac lashed out again with the aim to get me, despite my want to hit me and his will to hit me, he didn't, I am smarter than I thought, by letting him know that he would only prove my point by hitting me put him at war with his ego, and he could not risk knowing that he is really living the life of a monster. That was the turning point, when I was able to face my brother with no fear and speak what I needed to speak with no care for his feelings as he never cared for mine.

So here I am, a projectile that has been launched at speeds exceeding escape velocity, I have past the point of no return and only the infinite stars guide my way

Day 143 - Memories

I feel so great to look back and see how far I have come since day 1. I can see how my emotions have gone an a roller-coaster journey, started from being fueled with anger and hatred, to sinking in sorrow and sadness until being pulled out into the light of happiness and joy that I am in now. I can see how my artwork has been like photographic film, capturing everything I have reflected onto it, and I am happy that I have succeeded in doing so, I look at it and I see the anger portraits I started way back during day 1, and then moved onto the sad works that haven't been finished because my emotions changed to happiness and I have managed to almost complete two happiness works which is great.

I have been feeling effects of a relationship lately, I didn't get to see Dean last night or today and I really want to see him now but I have to study, he even said I have to study, he's good he really is, it's very thoughtful of him to make me study instead of be with him, but I am seeing him tomorrow which is good, after all I don't think I could last not seeing him during exam weeks. Ah crap exam weeks! I think Dean is going to see his dad next week so that will be good for him and I might be able to get some studying done. It's kinda funny because when I turned 18 mum was like, don't think you can go to Castro's and get yourself a boyfriend, you still have your HSC, but yea I didn't meet Dean at Castro's, nor did I meet him when I was 18.

I think I have finally decided what I want to do at university, I want to do a double degree in bachelor of creative arts - bachelor of arts. I want to major in graphic design for creative arts and psychology for arts, I'm not sure if it works like that but I'll have to look into it. I need to do something creative and psychology has always been a main interest for me, I have wanted to be a child or adolescent psychologist because I know how crucial these years are in making a person who they are, and I have seen how messed up peoples lives can turn out if things aren't felt with at a younger age and I can't stand knowing that there are children out there that need help and aren't getting it. I had an idea of opening up my own youth clinic sort of thing, I wrote down my ideas in my ideas book which I created at a young age, I flicked through there a while ago and found so many things, one of which amazed me was my computer cafe, I put so much thought and effort into it, drawing up blueprints, making item lists and prices, security systems, designs and layout of the place, I think that's what kept me interested in the idea, the design aspect. Architecture was my childhood dream job, but as I have seen in my younger brother it might have been a child stage that everyone goes through, designing dream homes and stuff, unless we have more in common then I thought.

Well that's about it for today, hope everyone had a good day and that tomorrow will be better =]

Have your cake and eat it too

Title came from my thoughts from the conversation that the people behind me are having. It seems that now that we are eighteen our conversations have been invaded with politics, I don't like Julia Gillard but I don't like the liberal parties policies, the comment that got me was "I don't like either of them" and the three of them agreed on that statement. Ive hear that line been repeated in politics throughout my life when over hearing older people and my own age bracket talk about politics, to be honest I don't think that they mean what they say, like they say that they don't like either of then but to be honest I think they are just saying that for the sake of politics talk, I'm sure if they actually researched and gave the politicians a chance then they would be able to find positive ground with some of them. My personal opinion on Australian politics and a lot of other politics is that politicians fight against each other to become the person in power, they go against each other and criticize the policies they put forward. What I envisioned Politics to be was a system where the best most suitable candidate is elected to be in charge of leading the community, and to do so it makes sense that both parties work together to share positive ideas and progress on both parties positives and work on their flaws to have a stronger government than they would be if they didn't work together, but no, we are selfish people that only want the position of power to ourselves. It should be about finding the best solutions for the problems that the people of the community are dealing with, but it's not, it's about whoever can make the other person look bad so that they gain that position of power, imagine if there were no opposition, there is no opposing minister, there is a unity of governments that work together to find the best ideas and solutions for the people they are sworn in to govern. Wow, massive tangent before I even started this post, it was suppose to be an update on how I'm going but I got sidetracked by that comment on politics and I can go on about my ideas on politics.

I have been extraordinarily happy over the past several weeks, actually the past two months have been great for me. Three highlights that made me happy were leafing Dean, turning 18 and the snow trip. Being 18 has been awesome, I feel a greater deal of freedom and relief, it's the checkpoint I have been waiting for that marks me as progressing through life, I finally feel that my future is reachable and things are going to work out, I have found a partner, I will finish my secondary education soon and start onto my university studies next year and hopefully move out. My relationship with Dean has been great, on the weekend I met some of his friends which was different because I have already introduced him to a large majority of my friends before we were together. *Tangent* I was talking to Foye today about these theologians or something, it's when you say something repeated by something that means the same thing as the first word, like what I did with large majority, of course it is a large majority because that is what a majority is, instead of changing it I thought I'd go off on this tangent because I learnt something new yet I have forgotten what it's called... *end tangent* So yea he has already become part of my close circle of friends which is awesome and I have only just met three of his friends recently which is good because I want to get to know them as they are a part of Dean's life. It's a little odd though because one of his friends is gay and open to them about it, dot get me wrong I don't find it odd that he has a gay friend I just found it a little odd that if he has an open gay friend then why hasn't he come out to his friends about it? But I am me and I don't pressure people into doing things, he said he doesn't care if his friends know but I'm not going to blurt it to them and say hey I'm Dean's partner, I will let him do it how he wants to do it. A partner isn't for the social status of being with someone, it's about being with them because you want to be with them, and I like that Dean is like that, I wouldn't like it if he was like "everyone this is Ben and he is my boyfriend and yes I am gay" And I don't like saying that I am this or I am that because it sounds boastful and I hate boastful personalities, but yea I am not like that, when I introduced Dean to my friends I didn't parade him around to my friends but I didn't hide him from them and it was nice to be treated the same way. I dunno, it's just these little things that make me like him more. He likes my family, well my mum and younger brother, wow, our families seam a little similar now, we both have a younger brother and our parents aren't married and our older sibling are a little crazy, even though he has a sister and I a brother, we don't see much of our dads and it's weird because I has only met his brother and mum and same with him. Anyways he likes my family and my family like him, the past two nigh we watched movies at my place but it annoyed me that my brother and mum were there, I wanted some alone time with Dean so I could relax and I cannot relax with my brother around for starters and then here was mum that would sit there typing away on the laptop and then noisily taping her packages that she needed to send, it's understandable that she needed to do it but she could of at least had the decency to do it in her room when she knew I wanted to be alone with Dean to watch movies. Like when she was with her boyfriends, she would tell me to come out to watch a movie with them and she would be all touchy and crap with them and I was like, yea I'm going. I just found it pretty disrespectful to do that in front of your kid and I wouldn't do it it her, it's just weird having your mum sit there when she wasn't even watching the movie. I can't relax with them around, but it's true, my brother is annoying and my mum just does her own thing and doesn't really care if she is intruding on you doing your thing.

I have been reading my followers blogs and it's very insightful to read into your thoughts, lives and interests. My favorite aspect about myself is my curiosity of different perspectives, I like to know how different people view things because of their nature, personality, ego, environment and experiences that have shaped their perspectives on things. It's interest me to know why stuck up people, *stuck up people is my reference to Lara... Yea I said it, I have strong reasons to believe that Lara is stuck up and if you find my judgment of her is wrong then I am accepting of criticism to my judgment of her* are so stuck up, how they can know that no one actually likes them yet still act the way they do. I don't like to name and shame but seriously Lara has been annoying me so much, and I speak on behalf of my art class when I say that she should sit at her desk, shut up and do her work instead of strutting around and sticking her nose into everybodys artworks like she owns the place, I don't think you know how annoying it is when you are concentrating on your drawing and then she plants her face right next to yours and just stares at your pen touching the paper as if she were doing it herself, seriously back off out of my face and go do some work, you have nothing to show for your body of work, no wonder Oliver and Berto are sick of you. Sorry for the tangent but yea, it interests me as to why she does it, and it interest me reading your blogs because I get an understanding of you, and when I understand people I feel as though we are bonding through this mutual understanding of each other, and one of my followers asked me for advise and I find it easier to give advise to someone that you can understand.

I have a burn on each of my hands, the parts around the area where the skin from the inside part of your thumbs meet the index finger, you know that price of thin flesh, yea just bellow there, it's no relevance to anything really, it's just that I Joyce them when I type on my iPhone and it's like they are staring at me. Thank you Renate, I didn't think my advise was too helpful but if you need any advise with anything I will be more than happy to help, and thanks Pat for supporting my happiness and I felt very privileged when Lars asked me for advise, it made me happy to know that someone I have never met has asked me for advise, and I am more than happy to help you need it, it's great how the blogging community is filled with nice and caring people, it's a great escape from the wild world we live in

Sky high ^_^

It's been a long time since I last blogged, and I am not to sure what that post was about, but this one is about how happy I am. It's been over a month since I first met him, it was funny because we went to McDonalds and got Mcdippers even though neither of us were hungry. Since then I go to know him and he got to know me, and I knew that I liked him, I like him for him. I like he's sense of humor, he's witty jokes that some people like to overlook, I like his smile, it's simply radiant, no joke, when he smiles it makes me smile. I like just being around him, knowing he is there with me, I like how he falls asleep before I do, and then he goes into his snoring pattern, it may sound weird me saying this but I like how he snores, it's cute, and you can tell he is about to snore because he does this heavy breathing just before hand. Well now I just sound perverted, but I like him, and he's cute, like I want to hug him every time I see him, but I don't. I feel as though I'm making him feel uncomfortable, like, he's my first boyfriend, and he is the first person I wanted to be my boyfriend, but we are different. I came out almost a year ago, and when I did I thought to myself that I wouldn't change, that I would be the exact same I was then, but its not true, after coming out I felt like I was finally allowed to be who I wanted to be, like the things I wanted to like and act the way I wanted to act, and now I can see how much I have changed, I see the way I act now and think that there is no way I would have done these things back then. It's because I feel more comfortable being me, being gay and I feel comfortable liking him and wanted to be with him, I'm not saying he doesn't feel comfortable being with me, that's for him to say, that's why I like to take him out with my friends, give him an environment where he can feel comfortable with being with me, because he can't be comfortable being with me when we are with his family. I feel sorry for him, I don't like having to hold back my emotions, but for him I will, I can wait until he is ready, that's one thing I know, I won't preside him into doing anything he doesn't want to do, and I can see that since we have been hanging with my friends that he has opened up more, he is relaxed and comfortable with them and with me, and it makes me happy. I kissed him last night, I've wanted to kiss him for a while but I've held back because I didn't want to male him feel uncomfortable, but last night I think with the encouragement of gin and tonic I kissed him, but I was a little scared when he didn't kiss back, I though I startled him or something and I felt bad, but later on in the night he kissed me, and I think he felt good about it. It's abut odd me sharing my 'private' life on here so i think this post will only stay up temporarily. But yea, I like him, and he's right next to me sleeping and it was his snoring that inspire me to make this post, just because I like to lay here while he sleeps and just know that he is there, and that he chose to be there. I envy him, how brave he is, I wouldn't have ever dared to have had a relationship while I was in the closet, I felt that it would be to hard for me, he amazes me. It's funny because last night we were talking about how obvious it would be that him and I are together to his mum, I'm over his place almost every night, take him to work, go shopping with him and his mum, go to the snow with him, but yea she doesn't know, and that's the way he wants it and I respect that, so I try my best not to let anything slip, although it is hard to not admire him when I am there. He has also inspired my art work, I haven't told anyone but my artwork was going to revolve around hate and sadness, but since he came into the picture I have been anything but angry or sad, I've been happy, so I started my happiness collection, luckily I finished my hate collection, I couldn't finish the sad one because I am too happy, I'm not telling him that its because of him, then he will feel like he's got that hold on me, and everyone keeps telling him that he wears the pants lol, come on my pants cost 110 dollars.. Ah now I see why he wears the pants. Anyways, enough of my ranting, seriously though even his snores are cute, but yea I might call an end to this post, I'm worried that L might find my blog site again and even worse if he found my site because then he'd read this, so yea, temporary post I suppose. I like you guys, those that are willing to share are willing to listen. By the way that was directed at you fellow joeys bloggers =] goodnight and good breakfast, I'm hoping for bacon and eggs =D

I hate what I used to be

I can easily shift the blame for my past actions onto someone else but the truth is that it was all 100% my fault. If I really cared or gave a shit I would have gone about things a different way, instead I fucked with peoples lives with no remorse. Yes I feel responsible, like I should have known, even if you can justify that it wasn't my fault, the fact is that not only did I not do anything to help him, but I contributed to it. I didn't make life better for him, neither did others but I actually contributed to making his life hell. No I wasn't in a fit state at the time but that's no excuse, if I really cared I would have done something about it, and there I sat thinking that I really felt bad for my actions, I would cry myself to sleep in disgust of what I have done thinking that I was sorry for my actions, if I was really sorry I would not have done it. If only I could turn back time. But I can't, so now I am stuck with the bad choices I have made, staining my conscience. But I truly am sorry, and I cannot make right what I have done, I cannot erase it, it will always be there. I can do something though, at least I can try to do something, I want to apologize, but I need to do more than an apology, I need to help them, if I contributed to the state that they are in then I need to contribute on getting them out from that state. I can't put my mind to ease until I know that I have helped them, I hate knowing that there are people in states like that, no one should have to be in that state, it's life damaging and it's not fair that they should have their life damaged.

Back when I was a little less mature, I envisioned my life to be a punching bag, I wanted to make myself a target for people like me, so that they could hurl their abuse at me instead of taking it out on other people that didn't deserve it, because I knew I could deal with what others can't, and I felt that it was only right that I should take the bourdon that I have felt onto others. I actually tried to become a target, but it wouldn't work, I was quite immature, and I still am, but I'm more mature than what I used to be.

It's not too late is it

I hope not

Heads Will Roll (Draft from 22/6)

So sentimental, not sentimental enough.

The new world order

So yea I turned 18 on Monday, something that was obviously bound to happen sometime, even though I had my doubts at times. Baisicly I have developed a fear of growing old, not my fault though, if you were told when you were a kid that you would e lucky to make it to 20 then I would imagine you would also have a fear of growing old. I do belive that I will grow old and I most certainly will live to see 20, I think doctors back then just didn't have a strong understanding of my condition, even though my lungs do like to fail on me at times, but I'm still alive =]

Life is glorious, the past week had been great, I think I have finally found peace in my mind, although I have been quite indecicive, quite meaning a little more than usual, a little more impulsive, which in turn has been a positive thing.

Me standing up to Isaac the other week has achieved positive outcomes, I think by everyone seeing the 'weakest' of te family take on the, well, Isaac, set a message that people don't have to be scared of him, and it's good, because he is an eff wit and needs to learn that the world does not revolve around him.

There has been quite a bit of good things happening for me in te past week, and I look forward to tomorow and the week that follows.

Until then, much love

iBen with a silent F

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Oh god I'm bleeding

On my arm and back, I have no idea how but there is blood. Anyways, I finally created a blog for my literature, at the moment there are three texts up there that I consider conceptual/surreal writings. What inspired me to write them were my surroundings, the words are basically the environment I was in, strung together to make something. It's what I call impulse writing, you just write what you see, feel, hear, taste and smell, there are no thoughts involved, there are no mistakes, every word that is put down is meant to be there, there is no erasing and finding what goes better, you cannot manipulate the environment that way so don't do it with your writings. Its fun, and its nice to see what the end result is. Um check it out if you want, here is the link:

http://stormliterature.blogspot.com/

On other news, Isaac is giving me the shits, seriously what gives him the idea that I want him to be near me, I have done the complete opposite, I have hinted for him to fuck off, he comes in my room trying to chat to me, half the shit he says does not even make it into my ear to be tossed out the other. Then he brings up whether I am a rigid gay or a girly gay, some people are so ignorant. And I think it is terrible to tell someone that you expect the best from them, telling someone that you have extraordinary great expectations for them puts stress on them, stress I don't need, even though I don't care about anything he says. But despite the massive wanker, I have been pretty good, I have enjoyed the lifestyle I have been recently living, its a bit egocentric and now I have a better understanding on how these egocentric people live, its quite horrid in some aspects, if your able to be ignorant to everyone and everything other than yourself than it works but I just cant do that. Well I'm ready for my next change, it seems like its going to be very fun and exciting, I have sort of already put it into play and it has been working constantly. There is one person in particular whom I need to work this lifestyle into, its a very carefree, optimistic and positive in-tact vibes sort of lifestyle. Its exciting because it eradicates the SSDD outlook and creates a new and adventurous outlook.

Sometimes I dont think before I type and I end up typing a heap of shit /\ /\ =]

Pain is what we aim for (Draft from 9/6)

I define pain as an unpleasant feeling, it may cause discomfort and at most times it may be un-wanted. I say most times because sometimes people self inflict pain, but thats not what I am trying to get at. I think the title was to intend that I am in some sort of pain, well I think everyone is in pain all the time but theyre too busy to realise. Shit I had a point in starting this post, (this is an older post that I found saved as a draft, at this point I have no idea what I was on about so I will continue with some crap) fuck pain. Five years can really change someone, I look at these year seven kids and think that I used to be like them, not really though because I could actually spell Australia, but in a sense I was like them, I was small, naive, ignorant and stupid. Above all I think I was mean, I was the skinny kid that couldn't physically :

This was an old post that I forgot about, it seals that I found it once and forgot to finish it again and went on about something totally unrelated to the original post, now I will never know what I was on about

Sky high

My life is far from miserable, I consider my life quite lucky in comparison to others, in a way. Actually if i compared my life to the billions of people living in poverty, my life is fucking perfect, so it shits me how people can be so hating of their own lives when they are so privileged, seriously there are people that go days without food, children being abused and disfigured and yet people complain about how much they hate their life over stupid insignificant things.

Argh too much negativity, would it be okay if I took your breath away..

I love A Day To Remember! You had me at hello. Lol trying to type but keep typing lyrics, I'm pretty happy right now, the next week looks bright for me, despite the fact that I am moving once again but it's nothing I cant handle. As long as I can make it through this week of school everything should be sweet, the weekend looks good, have somethings to look forward to =]

I got a new art diary, again, I have a habit of starting things and leaving them unfinished, its something I have allways done, don't know why, probably laziness, but I don't like the concept that an artwork is finished. It worries me that I may not finish my body of work, oh well, you snooze you lose.

Which one would you get to back you up in a fight, Sailor Moon or the red Powerpuf Girl?

Fly or die?

From this point onwards, life for me can either hit an all time high, or an all time low, and if possible, the two could happen simultaneously, would that cancel out the high and low and leave me neutral? Anyways, I just heard some really terrible news, there may be a possibility that my brother is comming to live here, if this happens my life will go upside-down, everything has been going smoothly but if that is to happen I think I shall surely have a mental breakdown. On the flip side, I have had my hopes up for something, but it is a foolish act to raise your own hopes with no fall back, because if my hopes were to break then I would have quite a fall. But that's the risk I'm willing to take I supose, I just gotta work up the courage to do so.

Seriously, my brother added me on facebook and I ignored his request, so he sent it again, don't you get it, I would rather eat razor blades with my eyes!

So at this point I have got to take a chance, either fly or die, metaphoricly of course.

I have been quite lazy with my blog posts, I have been doing to much thinking and not enough keeping track of my thoughts. Je t'aime

iBen with a silent F

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone