Overdose on love

Argh! Why must things be so difficult. I love him, I haven't told him but I find it hard to say, and then I think if i say it then it might become to easy to say and then it'll just be overused and lose meaning. I'm happy when I am with him, and it seams as though I become nasty when we are apart, I have felt snappy, short tempered and at times impatient with people, people mainly meaning my family, ie. mum and my younger brother. I think it would be best for me to probably stop staying at his place every night, all this week I have slept there with him and it's been great, I love it and I love being with him, but if it has come to a point where I am like this without him and I have pretty much become dependent on him for my happiness then it is time to slow down. I think I just need to spend some time at home, as much as I hate being here, I need to be able to function normally without him, not that I want to be without him, it's just that there will be times when I can't be with him and I need to know that I can be alright during those times. Argh listening to Angus and Julia Stone just makes me want to be with him even more.

An old friend messaged me yesterday, it was great to hear from him, I haven't seen him in months, I saw him a few times at his work early this year and every time I ran into him I had different coloured hair which he found fascinating. Lets say his name is N. I first found N on the GYC, we talked heaps and he was a really awesome guy. He was the first gay guy I met, he reminded me so much of one of my best friends Gavin, his attire, jeans and converses, and his personality, like when he messaged me he asked me to take over Guatemala with him and it reminded me of their likeness. Well yea he's a great guy and was very helpful and insightful, he was the first person I could confide in to help me accept who I am. So N messaged me yesterday and told me he was having a 'what does this all mean' situation that he needed help with, I told him I will do my best to help but he never told me the situation yet asked for an answer. I don't know if he wanted me to guess or assume the situation but I don't know, I feel a strong vibe coming from him and I think he may be having some problems and he needs someone to help him through.

One of my close friends was in hospital this week, he's been a long friend of mine and the news of what happened scared and saddened me. Blake's lung collapsed last Sunday night, I found out last night so I went and saw him today and was with him until he was sent home later in the evening. He was always a tall and slim guy, and the doctor said it usually happens to tall, slim people, but he also said that smoking, especially pot, increases the risk. He hasn't smoked since last weekend and plans to quit all together which I am very proud of, when we were kids, about 6 years ago (its funny how it seams so long ago yet the reality is that I have not traveled to far from my childhood) my mother gave four of my best friends a lecture making them promise not to let me smoke ever, these people were William, Keegan, Jeff and Blake, Blake has been the only one that looked out for me and made sure I never smoked, yes I am not perfect, I did smoke, cigarettes and marijuana, do i regret it, no, was it stupid, yes. My lungs have always been damaged and under-functional from pneumonia from an infant and two years ago, so I knew that smoking was the worst idea for me, but I did it, I wanted to try it, I am foolish and was only driven by the want to try something I knew would be harmful to me. Blake however never allowed me to smoke and wouldn't allow anyone to let me smoke, that's what I call a true friend, even though my foolish self wanted to, he did what he knew was best for me, not what I wanted, and that is what a true friend does. I believe in paying it forward, now that Blake has given up on smoking, I feel the responsibility to look out for my friends health and safety, it's so selfish for me to be treated with such respect and care from a friend if I don't deal the same respect and care back to them. My friend Brown wants to bring some weed to my party and I told him that I'm not going to let him smoke it, I don't want him smoking it in general, I told him he has a problem if he cant go the night without it, yet he says he can do without it he just chooses to do with it, which to me is saying 'I'm dependent on it'. Anyway, Blake being in hospital scared me, I was worried and still am for him, and it has changed my passive attitude towards my friends doing potentially harmful things.

I felt the title was relevant, I feel a sense of overdose on love, I love Dean, I love being with him, I love how helpful and willing strangers can be, I love how strangers can turn into memorable and close friends, I love how close friends really care, I love my friends and I love how I have so many issues right now that play with my love.

Have your cake and eat it too

Title came from my thoughts from the conversation that the people behind me are having. It seems that now that we are eighteen our conversations have been invaded with politics, I don't like Julia Gillard but I don't like the liberal parties policies, the comment that got me was "I don't like either of them" and the three of them agreed on that statement. Ive hear that line been repeated in politics throughout my life when over hearing older people and my own age bracket talk about politics, to be honest I don't think that they mean what they say, like they say that they don't like either of then but to be honest I think they are just saying that for the sake of politics talk, I'm sure if they actually researched and gave the politicians a chance then they would be able to find positive ground with some of them. My personal opinion on Australian politics and a lot of other politics is that politicians fight against each other to become the person in power, they go against each other and criticize the policies they put forward. What I envisioned Politics to be was a system where the best most suitable candidate is elected to be in charge of leading the community, and to do so it makes sense that both parties work together to share positive ideas and progress on both parties positives and work on their flaws to have a stronger government than they would be if they didn't work together, but no, we are selfish people that only want the position of power to ourselves. It should be about finding the best solutions for the problems that the people of the community are dealing with, but it's not, it's about whoever can make the other person look bad so that they gain that position of power, imagine if there were no opposition, there is no opposing minister, there is a unity of governments that work together to find the best ideas and solutions for the people they are sworn in to govern. Wow, massive tangent before I even started this post, it was suppose to be an update on how I'm going but I got sidetracked by that comment on politics and I can go on about my ideas on politics.

I have been extraordinarily happy over the past several weeks, actually the past two months have been great for me. Three highlights that made me happy were leafing Dean, turning 18 and the snow trip. Being 18 has been awesome, I feel a greater deal of freedom and relief, it's the checkpoint I have been waiting for that marks me as progressing through life, I finally feel that my future is reachable and things are going to work out, I have found a partner, I will finish my secondary education soon and start onto my university studies next year and hopefully move out. My relationship with Dean has been great, on the weekend I met some of his friends which was different because I have already introduced him to a large majority of my friends before we were together. *Tangent* I was talking to Foye today about these theologians or something, it's when you say something repeated by something that means the same thing as the first word, like what I did with large majority, of course it is a large majority because that is what a majority is, instead of changing it I thought I'd go off on this tangent because I learnt something new yet I have forgotten what it's called... *end tangent* So yea he has already become part of my close circle of friends which is awesome and I have only just met three of his friends recently which is good because I want to get to know them as they are a part of Dean's life. It's a little odd though because one of his friends is gay and open to them about it, dot get me wrong I don't find it odd that he has a gay friend I just found it a little odd that if he has an open gay friend then why hasn't he come out to his friends about it? But I am me and I don't pressure people into doing things, he said he doesn't care if his friends know but I'm not going to blurt it to them and say hey I'm Dean's partner, I will let him do it how he wants to do it. A partner isn't for the social status of being with someone, it's about being with them because you want to be with them, and I like that Dean is like that, I wouldn't like it if he was like "everyone this is Ben and he is my boyfriend and yes I am gay" And I don't like saying that I am this or I am that because it sounds boastful and I hate boastful personalities, but yea I am not like that, when I introduced Dean to my friends I didn't parade him around to my friends but I didn't hide him from them and it was nice to be treated the same way. I dunno, it's just these little things that make me like him more. He likes my family, well my mum and younger brother, wow, our families seam a little similar now, we both have a younger brother and our parents aren't married and our older sibling are a little crazy, even though he has a sister and I a brother, we don't see much of our dads and it's weird because I has only met his brother and mum and same with him. Anyways he likes my family and my family like him, the past two nigh we watched movies at my place but it annoyed me that my brother and mum were there, I wanted some alone time with Dean so I could relax and I cannot relax with my brother around for starters and then here was mum that would sit there typing away on the laptop and then noisily taping her packages that she needed to send, it's understandable that she needed to do it but she could of at least had the decency to do it in her room when she knew I wanted to be alone with Dean to watch movies. Like when she was with her boyfriends, she would tell me to come out to watch a movie with them and she would be all touchy and crap with them and I was like, yea I'm going. I just found it pretty disrespectful to do that in front of your kid and I wouldn't do it it her, it's just weird having your mum sit there when she wasn't even watching the movie. I can't relax with them around, but it's true, my brother is annoying and my mum just does her own thing and doesn't really care if she is intruding on you doing your thing.

I have been reading my followers blogs and it's very insightful to read into your thoughts, lives and interests. My favorite aspect about myself is my curiosity of different perspectives, I like to know how different people view things because of their nature, personality, ego, environment and experiences that have shaped their perspectives on things. It's interest me to know why stuck up people, *stuck up people is my reference to Lara... Yea I said it, I have strong reasons to believe that Lara is stuck up and if you find my judgment of her is wrong then I am accepting of criticism to my judgment of her* are so stuck up, how they can know that no one actually likes them yet still act the way they do. I don't like to name and shame but seriously Lara has been annoying me so much, and I speak on behalf of my art class when I say that she should sit at her desk, shut up and do her work instead of strutting around and sticking her nose into everybodys artworks like she owns the place, I don't think you know how annoying it is when you are concentrating on your drawing and then she plants her face right next to yours and just stares at your pen touching the paper as if she were doing it herself, seriously back off out of my face and go do some work, you have nothing to show for your body of work, no wonder Oliver and Berto are sick of you. Sorry for the tangent but yea, it interests me as to why she does it, and it interest me reading your blogs because I get an understanding of you, and when I understand people I feel as though we are bonding through this mutual understanding of each other, and one of my followers asked me for advise and I find it easier to give advise to someone that you can understand.

I have a burn on each of my hands, the parts around the area where the skin from the inside part of your thumbs meet the index finger, you know that price of thin flesh, yea just bellow there, it's no relevance to anything really, it's just that I Joyce them when I type on my iPhone and it's like they are staring at me. Thank you Renate, I didn't think my advise was too helpful but if you need any advise with anything I will be more than happy to help, and thanks Pat for supporting my happiness and I felt very privileged when Lars asked me for advise, it made me happy to know that someone I have never met has asked me for advise, and I am more than happy to help you need it, it's great how the blogging community is filled with nice and caring people, it's a great escape from the wild world we live in