I hate what I used to be

I can easily shift the blame for my past actions onto someone else but the truth is that it was all 100% my fault. If I really cared or gave a shit I would have gone about things a different way, instead I fucked with peoples lives with no remorse. Yes I feel responsible, like I should have known, even if you can justify that it wasn't my fault, the fact is that not only did I not do anything to help him, but I contributed to it. I didn't make life better for him, neither did others but I actually contributed to making his life hell. No I wasn't in a fit state at the time but that's no excuse, if I really cared I would have done something about it, and there I sat thinking that I really felt bad for my actions, I would cry myself to sleep in disgust of what I have done thinking that I was sorry for my actions, if I was really sorry I would not have done it. If only I could turn back time. But I can't, so now I am stuck with the bad choices I have made, staining my conscience. But I truly am sorry, and I cannot make right what I have done, I cannot erase it, it will always be there. I can do something though, at least I can try to do something, I want to apologize, but I need to do more than an apology, I need to help them, if I contributed to the state that they are in then I need to contribute on getting them out from that state. I can't put my mind to ease until I know that I have helped them, I hate knowing that there are people in states like that, no one should have to be in that state, it's life damaging and it's not fair that they should have their life damaged.

Back when I was a little less mature, I envisioned my life to be a punching bag, I wanted to make myself a target for people like me, so that they could hurl their abuse at me instead of taking it out on other people that didn't deserve it, because I knew I could deal with what others can't, and I felt that it was only right that I should take the bourdon that I have felt onto others. I actually tried to become a target, but it wouldn't work, I was quite immature, and I still am, but I'm more mature than what I used to be.