Carer

So I'm in a pretty terrible situation at the moment, I've got my boyfriend down the coast in the company of Hugh while he's trying out for a job, and I have my mother sleeping on the lounge downstairs, bed ridden and incapable to the simplest of tasks which puts me as the carer since she is my mother. The fact that Dean is persuing a job down the coast doesn't annoy me, well sort of, I mean its fantastic, he is moving on in life, getting a job, a place of his own, what bothers me is that I am left behind, I'd love to move down with him and find a job down there, but that decision is up to him. Also that tonight Hugh is paying him a visit at his dads place is a little annoying, because its Hugh, I've tried to be his friend, but the fact that he wont accept that Dean and I are together frustrates me, he treats Dean as that guy that he would love to get with, and thats not fair on Dean, not to mention how frustrating it is for me, but Dean tries to keep that friendship and Hugh just seams to want more. Its quite annoying that he is there and I'm not, especially at his dads house, like I've been there once and was accused of being his partner, whats going on now that Hugh is there, and if he stays then his dad is just gonna be even more suspecting, does Hugh even care that Dean isn't out, I do contain myself so that Dean's parents don't know, and then Hugh is just like, heyy I'm gonna come visit you for the night.. But its what Dean wants, he wants Hugh over because after all he is his friend, even though he sounded so disappointed with the situation, I'm sure he will sort everything out, I trust him =] Oh yea, the mother part, so mum had a hysterectomy and she is completely useless when it comes to doing anything so I, the son living under her roof, am the carer, I've been staying up all night to get her to take her pills, waking up in early hours of the morning for more pills, and then driving everywhere in a manic rush leaving me with about 2 hours of the day to myself, there is nothing fun about this. But she is my mum, and she has done so much and more for me for the past 18 years of my life, so I'm sure I can last however long her recovery time will take, besides, I've been there for her in much worse positions then what she is in now..

I just concluded that what I blog is of pretty much no interest to anyone, why would anyone want to read this, but heyy, this blog is mainly for me, its my way to unwind and just release some stress and thoughts that plague my mind, except that they still plague my mind, its just good to talk about it, even if its to no one I know.

In My Head

Cause the song is playing at the moment, but otherwise... yea your still in my head.

So yea I feel great, I'm happy, Dean's just gone off to work and yea I know I'll be alone for the rest of the day but it doesn't seem to worry me right now, things are looking pretty good. We went to the spa on Monday afternoon, it was good lol, well it was like most other times, theres always some weird person or people that hop in while we're in there, haha it was pretty funny because Dean was acting all gay and stuff in front of them, unfortunately I didn't catch on lol. Oh yea, so Hugh, Deans friend, the one thats a little obsessed with him, is coming up to play tennis with him on Thursday, so he invited me to come play and yea I hope it will go okay, its just I have no reason to trust that Hugh wont try something, I know he is probably a great friend and Dean really wants to keep that friendship strong, I just don't know if Hugh is able to accept that they are just friends, I hope he does cause its not fair on Dean that they're friendship would have to suffer, and its not comfortable for me when it feels like hes trying to take Dean from me. Like taking him to Sydney to go out, like he knows I'm here, it's not really what a friend does, like whenever my friends invite me somewhere they invite Dean as well, but you know its a bit odd to take someones boyfriend out but not their partner so obviously he still is obsessing over Dean. Is that all I do, complain? Its just not fair on Dean, its not fair when you try hard to be a friend when they want more, sorta like with Jessye, eww, but yea its like when Sarah introduced me to Jessye because he had like no friends, but then when I became his friend and introduced him to my friends he just became so... whats the word, "look at me I'm a missive homosexual and I like to wear nail polish and do homosexual stuff" Thats not really the same circumstances but its the same situation, like you try to be someones friend when they want something different in return.

Ew seeing that name in my blog makes me a bit ugh. I just got a message from dad, its my cousins birthday next month so they're having a party or something at my grandparents on the 6th November, Its Suma's birthday party that night as well so I can stop into my grandparents during the day and then head to Newtown in the afternoon, I hope Dean would be alright with coming, I'd like him to come.

But yea, I'm fair tempted to paint the walls, not pro like, just splatter paint everywhere, in my head it looks pretty awesome. I'm hungry, I might dig into this chocolate frosting stuff Dean and I got, omg it tastes so good, but I should have breakfast first. I've always pictured myself as being someone that I would hate, I really don't think I would like me if there was two of me, I don't mean I would hate me if I was someone else, I mean like if there were two of me, I would hate the other me, I think because he knows me, like he would be able to predict me way to well and oh god, like I would think 'hmm I could like frame things on him' but he would think the same and it would be a race to whoever frame the other first but we both know that were racing each other so we would have to take out the competition so we would both try to kill each other and all this thought process would be in the space of like a split second so were both just staring at each other thinking 'kill him' but then I would think 'nah lets forget about this and just live a normal life' but knowing me I would see this as a sign of weakness and kill the other while they have dropped their guard, I really cant trust myself with my weaknesses, is that terrible that I would kill my other self at the slightest sign of weakness? I don't care if it is, cause the situation will never arise, I just like to talk shit sometimes, keeps my mine active =]

All is right in my life, sort of =]

Much ado about everything

Everything is just fine, like why am I here, I don't want to be here, why cant I move from here, why am I so afraid to pack my shit and leave. Who wants me here, more so who needs me here, less so who cares if I'm here. Why bother, everything blows up in my face.

I can't say that I have had the worst dealt to me, but you'd think that your own mother coming at you with a knife would be pretty bad. Shes already damaged me, a knife could only heal what I've seen, as she came at me in my head all I could think was 'do it, please just do it' I just cant take that shit anymore, I don't want to die, but I don't want to be here.

Procrastination

So I'm sitting in the school library during my double free period this morning, and nothing seams to be bothering me, I have nothing on my mind beside the constant thought "think of something to do" while I observe my surroundings and make note of the people and objects that I could interact with. It's funny, to think of thinking of doing something, it's a waste of thought, procrastination at it's best, let's not do anything and sit here thinking of thinking of something to do. Even better procrastination is that I am sitting here blogging about me thinking about thinking of doing something. What's worse is that I am telling you about my procrastinating when you are already aware that I am procrastinating, ha, I am a success, that took up about five minutes of my sitting around doing nothing time. In one context it may be that my success is a failure because I wasted five minutes on typing about my procrastination, but in my context my failure is my success because my procrastinating has taken me from the thinking stage of doing something and finally put it into action, now that you are all aware that my procrastination is my motivation to do something, we can lay back for a second and admire the blissful truth in the ironic paradox that motivation comes from procrastination, my mother would be so proud.

This is what I do when I am put in a position where I don't want to interact with my environment, I think to myself and discuss among my thoughts about certain situations I may find myself in and how I should resolve a crisis that could emerge in that situation. My favorite situation to situate myself in is ridding on a bus, so many things could happen on a bus, so many that I have thought of and an infinite that I haven't. I like to think about what I would do if the bus tipped, a fight broke out, the bus driver had a heart attack, the person behind me steels my bag, the person next to me pulls out a gun, we drive off a bridge and the bus fills up with water, stuff like that, how would I react if the situation ever happened, the only thing is that the things I situate myself in rarely happen so I am left unprepared, but I suppose everyone in life is unprepared, no one knows what will happen next, we make plans for the future, but the future does not live by our plans, for all I know the school could burn down within the hour, that ruins my plans to pick Dean up from work this afternoon, nothing in life is certain. Now my day dreams of fantasy situations seam somewhat useless, but that couldn't be any further from the truth, what else am I supposed to do while I sit here in solitude, these thoughts keep me sane, they keep me procrastinated from interaction with the environment around me, thus leads to my motivation to act in my own interest, in other words, blog.

Well I have procrastinated enough, it is about time I reemerge from my hermit state and grasp with reality once more, much love, iBen.

Bad Day -_-

I'm hungry, I'm pissed off and I'm tired. I'm sore, I'm wrong, I'm selfish and I'm a prick. I'm annoyed, I'm confused and I've just had enough. You can't change people so why does she expect me to change for her, I'm just not good enough for her way of life, the only solution is getting out. Instead of yelling at me an expecting results she should at least help me be independent so that I can move out and do us both a huge favor.

I'm tired, I do not want to be here, I just want to get to my bed and rest, I just want to close my eyes and sleep for a while. Would I still take the red pill, the ignorance could be so blissful from the truth, but the truth could set me free from the lifestyle that I share. I'm sick of taking pills, but I'll be sick from not taking pills, I hate these decisions.

Religion doesn't answer my questions, I pray that it will answer yours.

I Want Short Breaths

Lyrics from Crimewave - Crystal Castles, why, because nothing they say is straight forward, it's conceptual lyrics, you've got to think about how things relate in certain contexts. It has been three months since my first date with Dean, back then it was only a dream to wake up and have him lying next to me, now its a reality. What I need right now is to take a look at the hurdles that lie ahead of me that if i don't overcome now, they will become barriers, barricading me from reaching my full potential.

1. Isaac
2. My mother
3. My health
4. This couch

Well firstly the problem with my brother is that he is a prick, I suppose its not entirely his fault for how he turned out but that's another story and its his choice to continue to act the way he does and do nothing about changing it. The problem is that he and I don't and wont get along for some time until he changes, so I have to have little interaction with him, hopefully it will get through to him that the way that he acts is tearing this family apart. Worst part though is the memories, of him at his worst, the people he hurt and how he made me feel helpless and hopeless. When I saw a situation that involved an older sibling being verbally abusive, the catalyst in the negative environment, it reminded me of how Isaac would lash out, hit mum, hit me and make me feel like there was nothing I could do to help the people I love, I got scared and anxious, its just the memories make me feel useless and weak. I don't know how to resolve this problem, I have tried extending my help to the victim, someone important to me, but maybe the situation isn't as bad as it seams to be for me and they can deal with it easily. I guess this problem is probably best resolved with my shrink =S

The mother! dum dum duuum. That was my lame attempt of intensifying the situation.. don't judge me.. okay you can judge me. As much as I love my mother, she drives me crazy, I never know what she is going to do or want next. She'll get me to drive her around then tell me to stop using so much petrol, she'll have a go at me for crashing my car and then without warning buy me another car, she'll tell me to stop spending so much money (okay so i spend about 150 max a week) then she goes and buys a $2500 3D Plasma television. That stuff I can deal with I suppose, shes going through menopause and is hormonal as hell, and I guess I'm the only one around to take her frustrations out on, still its not fair that I get yelled at and told off when I am the only one of her children that actually does things for her. What makes it worse is when she gets hypocritical, such as 'Ben you didn't wash the frying pan' when the sink is full of dirty dishes built up over the past days that I haven't even been there. I am happy to clean up my mess and look after myself, I can do work for two people but why should I when she yells and hurls abuse at me, if she asked nicely and thanked me for completing tasks shes asked me to do then it would be progressive towards the next time she asks me to do something. My only solution for this is to move out, but I suppose I can't do that for another 3 months minimum.

My health isn't that bad of a problem as it used to be, since I have been with Dean I have started eating different things, and I have had a positive outlook on my future health. I want to be fit and healthy, my small steps are slowly adding up and I already feel more motivated then before. Swimming, small home work outs, hopefully more tennis with Dean and slowly but surely I'll get there.

Finally this couch, well Dean is coming over tonight and that is more then enough motivation to get off my ass and get over there to pick him up, so I end this blog on a positive note, and here's my words of advice for the day, 'stay in school and stay away from drugs.'

Now they'll never find out

I've always told people how much I love this song, but not many (if any) people know what it's about. The Presets are simply amazing, one of them being gay influences their songs, this song in particular. It's called If I Know You, it's about this boy that had a relationship with another boy, but then he has a change in thought, he leaves his boyfriend and tries to hide his true self by dating a girl, he knows he doesn't like the girl but he feels that being who he is is wrong, so he lies. But love surpasses this barrier, his lover is still in love with him and knows that what he is doing is wrong, even though he stopped talking to him all together. What they had was so good, and how could he do this if what they were doing was so right. The point is listen to the song, the lyrics are amazingly insightful, and it has always been a situation on my mind that I thought would be so difficult on both sides, having such hate and doubt in who you are and being the partner that has had this done to them. I pray that what is happening with Dean and I will never come close to this. A couple of months ago Dean had a relationship with a girl, which I find somewhat reasonable yet odd, when I had girlfriends it was because I was trying to prove to myself I wasn't gay, but once I accepted I was then I stopped having any relationship along those lines with the opposite sex, that part I understand, but Dean accepted he was gay before I did, yet he still willingly had a relationship with her. They still talk regularly, and it was yesterday that really set things going. She sent him a message saying that she still liked him and that she thinks he probably has a girlfriend. He asked me what he should do, I told him to tell her, but no, I can't tell her, it'll crush her. Argh, it's crushing her slower by just leading her on, I tried telling him but no, it's different with her, he can't just tell her, so he replies with, no I don't have a girlfriend. Argh, I have an obligation to feel sorry for her, just a self obligation, but there is also the possibility that he is ashamed of who he is and wants to hide away, he said he want to be good friends with her but doesn't want to tell her or be with her. How about how I feel, like yea, it feels terrible, it's like you're a part of someone but they are ashamed of you. I don't think he intends it, but it feels like that, but I live him, and if I want to be with him I have to understand that he is going through a really tough stage, he is fearful of his families reaction, but he can still take my feelings into consideration. I think he sensed that I was upset, so he stopped showing me the messages and he sent a message and told me that he told her, now they're going out for lunch tomorrow, he asked me to come but I have school. I think he might have told her something, he may have wanted me there for support, it's so frustrating because this is a critical time for my studies but I love him. I don't know what else to say, I need to be there for him, but I have to let him know how I feel too.

Overdose on love

Argh! Why must things be so difficult. I love him, I haven't told him but I find it hard to say, and then I think if i say it then it might become to easy to say and then it'll just be overused and lose meaning. I'm happy when I am with him, and it seams as though I become nasty when we are apart, I have felt snappy, short tempered and at times impatient with people, people mainly meaning my family, ie. mum and my younger brother. I think it would be best for me to probably stop staying at his place every night, all this week I have slept there with him and it's been great, I love it and I love being with him, but if it has come to a point where I am like this without him and I have pretty much become dependent on him for my happiness then it is time to slow down. I think I just need to spend some time at home, as much as I hate being here, I need to be able to function normally without him, not that I want to be without him, it's just that there will be times when I can't be with him and I need to know that I can be alright during those times. Argh listening to Angus and Julia Stone just makes me want to be with him even more.

An old friend messaged me yesterday, it was great to hear from him, I haven't seen him in months, I saw him a few times at his work early this year and every time I ran into him I had different coloured hair which he found fascinating. Lets say his name is N. I first found N on the GYC, we talked heaps and he was a really awesome guy. He was the first gay guy I met, he reminded me so much of one of my best friends Gavin, his attire, jeans and converses, and his personality, like when he messaged me he asked me to take over Guatemala with him and it reminded me of their likeness. Well yea he's a great guy and was very helpful and insightful, he was the first person I could confide in to help me accept who I am. So N messaged me yesterday and told me he was having a 'what does this all mean' situation that he needed help with, I told him I will do my best to help but he never told me the situation yet asked for an answer. I don't know if he wanted me to guess or assume the situation but I don't know, I feel a strong vibe coming from him and I think he may be having some problems and he needs someone to help him through.

One of my close friends was in hospital this week, he's been a long friend of mine and the news of what happened scared and saddened me. Blake's lung collapsed last Sunday night, I found out last night so I went and saw him today and was with him until he was sent home later in the evening. He was always a tall and slim guy, and the doctor said it usually happens to tall, slim people, but he also said that smoking, especially pot, increases the risk. He hasn't smoked since last weekend and plans to quit all together which I am very proud of, when we were kids, about 6 years ago (its funny how it seams so long ago yet the reality is that I have not traveled to far from my childhood) my mother gave four of my best friends a lecture making them promise not to let me smoke ever, these people were William, Keegan, Jeff and Blake, Blake has been the only one that looked out for me and made sure I never smoked, yes I am not perfect, I did smoke, cigarettes and marijuana, do i regret it, no, was it stupid, yes. My lungs have always been damaged and under-functional from pneumonia from an infant and two years ago, so I knew that smoking was the worst idea for me, but I did it, I wanted to try it, I am foolish and was only driven by the want to try something I knew would be harmful to me. Blake however never allowed me to smoke and wouldn't allow anyone to let me smoke, that's what I call a true friend, even though my foolish self wanted to, he did what he knew was best for me, not what I wanted, and that is what a true friend does. I believe in paying it forward, now that Blake has given up on smoking, I feel the responsibility to look out for my friends health and safety, it's so selfish for me to be treated with such respect and care from a friend if I don't deal the same respect and care back to them. My friend Brown wants to bring some weed to my party and I told him that I'm not going to let him smoke it, I don't want him smoking it in general, I told him he has a problem if he cant go the night without it, yet he says he can do without it he just chooses to do with it, which to me is saying 'I'm dependent on it'. Anyway, Blake being in hospital scared me, I was worried and still am for him, and it has changed my passive attitude towards my friends doing potentially harmful things.

I felt the title was relevant, I feel a sense of overdose on love, I love Dean, I love being with him, I love how helpful and willing strangers can be, I love how strangers can turn into memorable and close friends, I love how close friends really care, I love my friends and I love how I have so many issues right now that play with my love.

Just a boy

It's been a while since my last post, since then I have been both happy within myself but also disappointed with an action I have made. I shouldn't have done it, even though it may have needed to be done, it was on behalf of those that wouldn't, but still I shouldn't have. Doing so only contradicted myself, and for that I am somewhat disappointed in myself, I have no regret in what I did, it's just that I shouldn't have let it annoy me to the point that I had to do it. Now airbrush aside I shall move on.

I thought I hade a post for August, obviously not, I remember I was at Dean's at the turn of month because he gave me a pinch and a punch.. It weird not being with him, he went to visit his dad for a few days and I feel quite alone, I wouldn't normally, it's just that now I have no car and he is the only person that is walking distance from me so I can't go see my other friends which sucks. I miss him though, I'm so used to being with him, maybe that's a bad thing? Nah. I think his mum might have an idea that were together, maybe because one night I may have fallen asleep in his arms instead of on the couch..

Mum ran an idea past me the other day, she said she was thinking of moving to Melbourne and leaving me with the unit to get a roommate. I thought it was pretty cool, hasn't been thought out very well though because my younger brother needs my mum around. When I was at Dean's I brought that up and his mum said, "good, Dean can move in then." We looked at each other and were fighting back laughter, he seamed to agree with the arrangement but I added the terms that he has to be chained to the kitchen so that he can cook for me. I'd like for him to move in with me eventually, its been about two months since we first met and almost a month since we made it official, and I think I love him, it feels so cinch to say I love him but I think I do. Yea I think I do.

It was dad's birthday the other day, I called him and wished him a happy birthday, none of my brothers did, I don't blame them. Isaac has every right to not want anything to do with dad, my younger brother though, it's understandable, he is young and dad did kick him out and was a extremely unreasonable and rude in the process. Yea he kicked me out to, but I'm older, I can understand that dad wasn't doing to well and so I can forgive, after all he is my dad and I don't want to live my life without that figure, even though he hasn't played a huge role in my life. So it's understandable is what I am saying that my brothers didn't call or message him. I wanted to organize lunch or something with him but I would feel a little uncomfortable being just dad and I, but I thought dad would feel as though I'm being rude if I brought a friend or two. I don't like having bad ties with my family, it makes me feel inconsiderate, selfish and ignorant that I should complain about my bad relationship with family when there are others that have much worse relationships with their family, I choose not to has anything to do with Isaac for justifiable reasons but I chose not to talk to my dad mainly to the sake of punishment, which I think is stupid. Some people have fathers much worse than I and they don't complain, they're strong and I applaud and envy that they are strong enough to carry on and not complain, I have no right to complain and nor shall I anymore. I apologize for my selfish and inconsiderateness, I have no right to complain about aspects of my life which are nothing compared to the people around me.

I like to thing of myself as a helpful person, I like to help people, and if I can't help I will find someone or something that can help. I have found out that my words can be quite damaging, so if I could channel them to a right cause I am sure I could be successful.

Oh god I'm bleeding

On my arm and back, I have no idea how but there is blood. Anyways, I finally created a blog for my literature, at the moment there are three texts up there that I consider conceptual/surreal writings. What inspired me to write them were my surroundings, the words are basically the environment I was in, strung together to make something. It's what I call impulse writing, you just write what you see, feel, hear, taste and smell, there are no thoughts involved, there are no mistakes, every word that is put down is meant to be there, there is no erasing and finding what goes better, you cannot manipulate the environment that way so don't do it with your writings. Its fun, and its nice to see what the end result is. Um check it out if you want, here is the link:

http://stormliterature.blogspot.com/

On other news, Isaac is giving me the shits, seriously what gives him the idea that I want him to be near me, I have done the complete opposite, I have hinted for him to fuck off, he comes in my room trying to chat to me, half the shit he says does not even make it into my ear to be tossed out the other. Then he brings up whether I am a rigid gay or a girly gay, some people are so ignorant. And I think it is terrible to tell someone that you expect the best from them, telling someone that you have extraordinary great expectations for them puts stress on them, stress I don't need, even though I don't care about anything he says. But despite the massive wanker, I have been pretty good, I have enjoyed the lifestyle I have been recently living, its a bit egocentric and now I have a better understanding on how these egocentric people live, its quite horrid in some aspects, if your able to be ignorant to everyone and everything other than yourself than it works but I just cant do that. Well I'm ready for my next change, it seems like its going to be very fun and exciting, I have sort of already put it into play and it has been working constantly. There is one person in particular whom I need to work this lifestyle into, its a very carefree, optimistic and positive in-tact vibes sort of lifestyle. Its exciting because it eradicates the SSDD outlook and creates a new and adventurous outlook.

Sometimes I dont think before I type and I end up typing a heap of shit /\ /\ =]