Depression is a bitch, it just likes to sneak up on you and slap you in the face, makes you feel responsible for faults, guilty, regret, and of course sad. I hate it, it's like just when you think you got it under control it just comes up and says 'psych, everything sucks for you' and you sink into this hole of grief. I don't want to sleep, I don't want to be awake, I don't want to wake up, I don't want to be alone, I don't want to do these damn exams, I hate complaining, I'm reverting typing so much don'ts, I don't like it, there it is again, I want to focus on what I like. But I can't seam to do that when I'm alone, I should start seeing a psychologist again, the last one was so unhelpful though, damn gypsy woman was all like, so tell me about so and so, hmm I see and how do you feel about that.
I don't know, I like being happy, very much so, right now I feel guilty, I feel like I've come into Dean's life and messed with a system that has been working for him, like paying his bills an stuff, and then I come along and take him out and sorta wreaks with the system, maybe it's true or maybe it's just the guilt trip of depression. Am I an emotional dead weight? Do I drag people down? Its like I'm forced to think that I do, and the more I think about it the more I believe that I am, but I don't think I am, I'm pretty sure I'm not, I try not to be, I don't think I've ever put pressure onto Dean about my emotions, I try not to unload emotions onto other people, it makes me feel guilty like I'm putting weight onto their shoulders, I never hinted to him that I'm depressed, no I'm not depressed, I'm just going through a stage, but yea I've never really hinted that I've been going through a bad stage, I probably should because I think those are things that couples talk about, I'd love for him to share his emotions with me if he's going through tough times, which he probably is, he might be doing the same thing I'm doing, not wanting to burden, but I guess it's not a burden, well I wouldn't feel burdened by him sharing how he feels, I'd feel loved, and important that he is sharing something like that to me, and I'd most definitely help in anyway possible, I guess maybe I should tell him that I'm feeling a little down, but I don't even know why I feel down. It's so stupid, it's like I've got a problem but there isn't actually a problem there, my stuff at home is normal life problems I suppose and I just don't know. I can't expect him to pressure something out of me when I've given him like no reason to suspect somethings up, maybe tomorrow I could have some one on one time with him, why should I be so worried, why do I worry so much, I'd probably scare him off with all my worrying, I feel very anxious, argh I hate anxiety. I'm surprised how well he is doing with all the stresses he has, if I was in his position I'd definitely crack, he's strong, unless he's like me and hides it behind a smile, even then he is strong to put on the mask, I love him, and now I'm worried that he might not be doing as well as he seams, I miss him. How could I last a weekend without him if I can't even last tonight, but I guess tonights different.
In the end, the things I'm going through are probably normal things that everyone goes through, I just need to grow up and deal with it I guess, I'm so not keen for this exam.
- iBen =]x
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