Sick

I've never been good enough, no matter how much I tried, I was never good enough, which is why after time I just started to not care. Imagine having to scrape pills out of your mothers mouth because she over dosed when you were 12, and everyone said that I had to take care of mum, I had to help her in every way, and I did, I know I did because everyone said I did, they still say it 'you used to always help her,' what made me stop? Maybe it was the numerous other suicide attempts that took plays in the following years, I specifically remember when she took off in 2008, sent everyone suicide messages, I remember everyone was flipping shit, they were crying, stressing, and I was there, trying not to let it bother me and continue washing the dishes like mum would have wanted. It was all a lie, no matter what I did to help her, it wouldn't make a difference, she still went down the dark road, so how was I supposed to feel, I felt like I wasn't good enough, like I have failed her.

What made things worse for me was when I came down with depression, I had to focus on myself to make me happy, its so hard to be happy when you feel like you're failing the person you love. She is sitting down stairs now, chatting away to her friends for support and sympathy while I'm up her alone in tears, I have no one to talk to about this, I'm messaging Dean now, but how am I supposed to tell the person I love so much that at times it is hard for me to have the will to live, its not his fault, its no ones fault, its not my fault, I'm just fucked, and theres nothing anyone can do for me, I can't see my fucking psychologist because she will give me some fucking burnt red tree ash or some hippie crap. I've been dealing with it great, but she just brings me down, I can't stay mentally healthy while I'm with her, we are no good for each other, tonight I put a blade to my skin, I just burst out in tears, there is so much hope for me, others would have made the cut, I'm still sane.

It's too late to say you're sorry

I love Dean, I know I do, it seams all my thoughts somehow revolve around him or can be linked back to him. I used to think it was risky business falling in love, to much heartbreak, but that's a lack of faith thing, and I have faith in him and our relationship, I know he has strong feelings for me too, he's never said he loves me but neither have I, well face to face. Last night I sent one of those drunk messages to him because his phone was dead so he wouldn't have gotten it until we were both sober. It was pretty much me saying I love him and complaining that I never got to have a decent moment with him last night to tell him that I love him. Well it was mainly that but I also told him that I felt that I was invading and pushing my way into his life because I usually just turn up to his and stay the night. Am I not giving him enough space? I think I'm just over reacting to my own reactions, I feel that we don't act as a couple and then it freaks me that maybe we aren't acting like a couple, and then I think that maybe he doesn't want to be with me, but I over react, if he doesn't want to be with me then he wouldn't be there with me in the beginning. I'm worrying way to much, I should probably give him some space. Were always at his place and his mum and brother are there, if were not there then were with my friends doing something, we used to go to the spa on weekends, didn't this weekend because I had to clean the house and last weekend he was at his dads. We don't have enough alone time, I want to have just one on one so that we can just be, we won't have to hide from his family and he won't have to feel uncomfortable around my friends. Another thing, it's always my friends, I've met a few of his friends but only really know one and I only met her on three occasions, and he's already been to the snow with some of my friends for a couple of days. I don't know if he doesn't want me to meet them or if he doesn't want them to know about us or I don't know. There's this one friend of his that he keeps being temperamental with liking and disliking, and he keeps bringing him up and how he wanted Dean to go to Thailand with him in December and all this stuff and he's been very secretive about him. He said there's something about him but he'll tell me another time, then again it's probably just me thinking 'boyfriend talking to another guy' ah I don't want to be like that though but I'm still curious as to what the deal is with him. I don't want to be like 'no you can't talk to guys' because I still talk to this friend of mine. I trust him, and I know I wouldn't do anything to compromise things with him and I trust that he would feel the same. I think the message I sent him may have produced positive results, he just messaged me so yea.

My mum, as much as I love her, I just can't stand her lately. She's without a doubt going through menopause so she's moody as hell. I guess it's good for her that I'm living here, I'm the only one that has patience for her and can't tolerate her verbal and physical abuse. Physical abuse sounds to harsh, it's just throwing things and hitting, she's not bashing me, and it's good because I don't hit back, Isaac without a doubt would hit back and more, and my younger brother is being just as bad, I see so much of Isaac in him. No one has as much patience as I do, even if I do have to cop all the 'fucking idiot' 'selfish prick' 'inconsiderate bastard' I can deal with being mums punching bag, but yea, it's exhausting.

Day 23

Well this post is being done from my laptop so its a bit of a change in style. at the moment I am in a really terrible mood, I am pissed off at a particular fatherly figure and have only recently discovered some legions on my scalp. So I am in a mix of two emotions, anger and sadness. The sadness stems off to various feelings of fear, hostility and hate. It seems as though my anger also stems into feelings of hate, so at the moment I am hating at someone else as well as myself. When I say myself I intend my life and burden. You know what, I thought writing about it here would help me overcome or understand something. It really isnt helping, I feel very helpless as if I had been issolated from the rest of the world in a state of solitude. So yea, not feeling it tonight.



iBen


(sorry this was an old post, when I tried to post it it didn't publish so i assumed that it was lost, turns out it was saved as a draft =])