Saving our own lives

Is there a sign above my head that says 'use me, abuse me'. Being a caring person is terrible, caring people get taken for granted, they'll do anything you want no matter how you treat them. Well at least that's what some people think, it's like a sign of weakness. She wouldn't dare slap Isaac across the face, oh god no she wouldn't, then why is it okay for her to do it to me. What makes it unfair though is that I look after her, I do things for her, he doesn't. How is it fair that I get treated like a door mat, that I have to bend over for her because no one else will and then after that she can treat me however she wants, just because she knows I will still help her, because I love her. I'm over being over it, and I'm just over being over being over it, and there's nothing I can do, I need to break free, I need to get out. The water looks cold, I'd imagine the freezing water would overkill the feeling of drowning. Waves are just, they don't discriminate, it's fair, you don't go into the ocean unless you can handle it, that's fair, it doesn't pick the weak and tackle them, you have a choice. Would any of these people do anything if they saw someone run down and jump in? Waves are chaotic, they thrash you against the rocks, there's no survival in that situation, then why would they sit and watch while it all goes down? Selfish pricks, where do I go from here, I don't know, I just want to drive, and keep driving, just see how far I can go. Come back tomorrow and then just forget about it, like usual, mum never wants me to be angry with her for more than a day, she knows I think about leaving, and she needs me, because she has no one else, no one else that she can get to help her and treat like shit. I just need to stop thinking for a while.


- iBen =]x

Six Feet Under The Stars

Its an All Time Low song, I guess I found some songs to suite my mood. I'm in an alright state of mind at the moment, like I am sore, my armpit hurts whenever I move my right arm, I keep getting these headaches, ulcers came back and my throat hurts whenever I eat, but despite all that I'm pretty good. I recently read over my earlier blog posts and I remembered why I made this blog, it was like a means of recording why I do things, the reasoning behind my actions. I found my first post where I referred to Dean, its funny because when Lauren told me that she was reading my blog (months ago), I sort of freaked out and then I made references directed to her, that was around the time I first came across Dean and so since I was in a directive state of writing I would wright things like "You're cute, I like your smile, you should smile more often, it looks good on you, even though your face is cute without a smile" - Scene, just because only I knew who I was talking about, ha it would be kinda weird if he found my blog ay, wouldn't it? Was he as into me as I was into him? I dunno, the fact is we are where we are now, and its pretty bloody fantastic, despite the physical fact that he is down the coast, but you get what I am saying.

This sort of got me thinking, things have changed so much from March, but then again it all started in March, I started this blog in March, and I first worked up the courage to start conversation with Dean in March, and since then my journey has been a roller coaster with family, school, friends and my health, mental and physical, and then there is Dean, whom has been the best thing that has ever come my way. I am so happy with how life has played out since then, its funny, that we were pretty much already a couple before I asked him and now it seams that we are pretty much living together even though we aren't.

Its mental that I have been with him pretty much everyday for the past 5 months, I thought it would be a lot harder to not see him for one or two days, but its good, because I know that its for the best, the job would be awesome, except now he wont get it because he needs a licence =\ Thats good though, he did say he didn't want the job, and he can always find one up here. Ah, Bali in about 6 days, that will be a whole 10 days without Dean, now that is mental, I need to get one of those sim cards, I'll be messaging him like crazy, sending him pictures and keeping him up to date, I'll get him an awesome present =D Oh and the day I get back is going to be our 6 month mark, Neil seams to have passed on to a better place so I reckon we should go buy a fern together, like a symbolic plant of us, I guess you see those cheesy relationships where they celebrate like monthly anniversaries and stuff, I don't think a fern is cheesy, I reckon it would be pretty awesome, something we can both look after.

Okay well its 12:57 am so I best get some sleep, I am back on pill duty so it shall be a fun morning for me =]

Much love, rectify.

Team iHappy for Worlds Greatest Shave 2011!

I have recently started a blog site dedicated to fundraising, charity and social justice events, it is called Team iHappy, it would be much appreciated if my readers would check it out by clicking here.

At the moment it is focusing on the Worlds Greatest Shave in March 2011, it would be fantastic if you joined or sponsored Team iHappy to reach our target goal of $2000. It is extremely simple to join the team, all you have to do is follow the Join Team button on this page and create an account, package containing a receipt booklet and other very useful material w

ill be delivered to your postal address in a few days. It doesn't matter where you live, anyone can be part of Team iHappy, as long as participate in the activity during March 10-12 and send in all receipt booklets used and unused. If the shaving your hair puts you off you can always colour usign non-permanent hair colour, or you can be more adventurous by colouring or shaving your facial hair, or even waxing the hair off your back, chest or legs, whatever floats your boat.

Then again for those that don't want to join you can always sponsor by clicking here.

Here is a poster I have made for the event, blog it, tweet it, share it on facebook if you will, it

would be much appreciated to get the word out.

Carer

So I'm in a pretty terrible situation at the moment, I've got my boyfriend down the coast in the company of Hugh while he's trying out for a job, and I have my mother sleeping on the lounge downstairs, bed ridden and incapable to the simplest of tasks which puts me as the carer since she is my mother. The fact that Dean is persuing a job down the coast doesn't annoy me, well sort of, I mean its fantastic, he is moving on in life, getting a job, a place of his own, what bothers me is that I am left behind, I'd love to move down with him and find a job down there, but that decision is up to him. Also that tonight Hugh is paying him a visit at his dads place is a little annoying, because its Hugh, I've tried to be his friend, but the fact that he wont accept that Dean and I are together frustrates me, he treats Dean as that guy that he would love to get with, and thats not fair on Dean, not to mention how frustrating it is for me, but Dean tries to keep that friendship and Hugh just seams to want more. Its quite annoying that he is there and I'm not, especially at his dads house, like I've been there once and was accused of being his partner, whats going on now that Hugh is there, and if he stays then his dad is just gonna be even more suspecting, does Hugh even care that Dean isn't out, I do contain myself so that Dean's parents don't know, and then Hugh is just like, heyy I'm gonna come visit you for the night.. But its what Dean wants, he wants Hugh over because after all he is his friend, even though he sounded so disappointed with the situation, I'm sure he will sort everything out, I trust him =] Oh yea, the mother part, so mum had a hysterectomy and she is completely useless when it comes to doing anything so I, the son living under her roof, am the carer, I've been staying up all night to get her to take her pills, waking up in early hours of the morning for more pills, and then driving everywhere in a manic rush leaving me with about 2 hours of the day to myself, there is nothing fun about this. But she is my mum, and she has done so much and more for me for the past 18 years of my life, so I'm sure I can last however long her recovery time will take, besides, I've been there for her in much worse positions then what she is in now..

I just concluded that what I blog is of pretty much no interest to anyone, why would anyone want to read this, but heyy, this blog is mainly for me, its my way to unwind and just release some stress and thoughts that plague my mind, except that they still plague my mind, its just good to talk about it, even if its to no one I know.

One step further

I don't know why I brought it up, but when now when I saw the word suicide, I just mentally break down, I almost cried tonight, right in front of Dean, only way I could hold it back was to just not talk, just try and think about anything else. It's really not nice to have a memory of your mother screaming at you that she would be better off with me dead, that I should go kill myself, and when she said it she meant it. In front of my younger brother too, yea thanks, like I haven't done enough to try and protect him and now he has more reason to hate me. I don't have the scars on my wrists, I was lucky enough to not slide the knife across, he has no idea what I have been through, but he's just a kid, it's okay. I even had to wear my glasses, I had to wear my damn glasses because I didn't want to put him in an awkward position, I don't want to freak him out with my problems, hell, how do I know that anything that I've been through is even remotely as bad as what he has been through, it's selfish of me to think that my problems are so big, I should just suck it all up and be a man about it. I cry, I don't ever want to hurt myself, I don't intend to, I need to get the hell away from this lifestyle, I want to get away, I want to go somewhere, I want to escape with Dean, I want to be with him, away from all the running around for everyone else's crap, wrestling, posting, buying crap, giving lifts, picking up mums friends, it's just not for me, it may sound selfish, but I can't stand helping the cycle continue when the cycle has caused so much damage to me. I don't know what I ramble about, it just trails off, I'm sorry that I had to be in such a crappy mood with Dean so that I could contain my sorrow, argh god damn facebook apps, sorrow can suck it.


- iBen =]x

Crying

It's a bit of a kick in the face, it was seriously the last thing I was expecting to hear. He told me how much he hated living down there and how he never wanted to live there, and now hes got a job interview down there and will be moving into his dad's flat.. It's two things that are making me sad, confused and worried, one is that he said he wouldn't but now he seams so keen for it, and the other that he will most likely do it. Its a good opportunity for him, he'll have a good paying job and a flat to live in, but he would be so far away, I wouldn't be able to cope with it, I'm not even coping with the idea of it, and that its already in the making. I feel so bad for being sad, its the worst feeling to feel bad for being sad, I feel so bad and selfish for not wanting him to go, like he could find a job up here, theres no flat but there is me, it might be easy for him to not be able to see me but I can barely last one day without him. My eyes hurt, and my face now feels salty, you know how you cry so much that the tears pour down your face and you can taste them in the back of your mouth, I have that. I don't want to hear about it, its making me so sad, I'll just see how things play out..

As I lay ticking away

As I lay here I look over to my desk across the room, it lives the life of a rushed boy, a man to busy to spare the shortest of time to mange his belongings so that there would be room to actually put use to his work space, it lives the life of a lie. I'm not busy, I've got plenty of time, I spend a lot of it with Dean, but I have spent most the day lazing around the unit, to little motivation to even throw his rubbish on the floor, it piles next to me on my lonely bed. I wish I could get into the habit of creative writing, I'd love to be a columnist of some sort, maybe music review or something, I love music and I believe I have a pretty great judgment on taste of music. My bonsai doesn't seam to happy, I wouldn't be too happy if someone was containing and limiting me, bending and manipulating me into an image that they wish me to be, this is not taming, this is torture. I don't know what's got up my nose but I feel the need to criticize my lack of care for freedom, I've always thought myself to be a person that puts freedom into practice at it's full extent, but I look at this bonsai and contradict myself, however, I have my justifications. This bonsai is like a child, a child is nurtured and guided down a path that leads then to be civilized human beings, the child is taken to school, educated in both intellect and social interactions. If this child was not shown how to do all that, where would they end up? They wouldn't become a civilized, educated human being, this is what divides us with savages, the savages that have no control nor consideration for life. Compare this to the bonsai, I am guiding it to be a tamed beauty, it will become lovely, something spectacular, people will marvel over how fascinating and intricate it is. I am containing it, on the grounds to guide it into a pleasant site, if I let it grow into a tree, it would become large, untamed and out of control, it would become an eye sore to people, eventually someone will come around to cut it down as they did to the trees out the front of our block of units, I am saving it from a life of loss, and allowing it to live a life of remembrance. Every time I looked at Neil I am reminded of the night we got him, when I went to Bunnings with Dean and Lauren to buy him. It reminds me of Dean and my love for him, it is a symbol of my love, and if I nurture it properly it will out live me, now isn't that mental. I have no idea what to do right now, it's 5:54 pm, mum said she was o her way home just before 3, she's probably gone to her boyfriends place and left me home alone. I hope so, I'd rather be home alone than home with her, not because it's her but because I am starting to enjoy my own company, and I'd rather be in a mood of happiness and bliss then one of unpredicted emotions, but, I would much rather be here with Dean. In a couple days we would have been seeing each other for five months, I love him, I love us. I'm making part of his Christmas present right now, but it's a secret so I can't even put it on my blog, but it should be pretty epic, in sure he will love it. Right now he is down the coast, crap I've got to message him. The other night his sister had somewhat of a fit to his mum about Dean introducing me to his dad as his boyfriend, which didn't happen at all, we had a massive talk before I met his dad about how straight and masculine manlike friend I am going to act, which I did. The thing is that she likes to stalk Deans facebook and he said she's probably stalking mine as well so she's most likely put two and two together, but it's so not fair of how they act to Dean. I can see the little family society thing that Dean's mum has told me about, its like an alliance between Dean's dad and sister, and its as if they try to puppet Dean around, put pressure on him, interrogate him, question him, it's frustrating. I know if my family done it to me, I'd bail on them, no way would I sit there and take their crap, maybe it's not as bad as it sounds, but I get worried about it, especially because I feel quite helpless. I tend to get worried when I'm in situations where I feel that I can't help, it's a things that spawned from years ago. Point is, in worried for him, I hope he handles it well, if not I'm sure he will talk to me about it, I want to be there for him in any way possible. I draw this post to a close, I must start cooking dinner soon, I am getting quite hungry, much love.


- iBen =]x

RTOTD

Okay so this is an idea I had the other night while reading six billion secrets, its my random texts of the day. There's all these people on that site wanting to suicide and inflicting self harm, so many people that are doing it tough, and then there's the people that are saved by a simple smile or text message, it's so easy to smile or text someone, and something so simple can have the most greatest outcome. So I have decided to send random texts to people everyday, people chosen at random and I'll just let them know how much they mean to me, what I like about them, a good memory I have about them, all the goods and stuff. By spending that little amount of time out of my day to make someone happy is most definitely worth it, so I'm starting today, I'll make sure to update the outcomes of my RTOTD. Peace

Stupid Me

Depression is a bitch, it just likes to sneak up on you and slap you in the face, makes you feel responsible for faults, guilty, regret, and of course sad. I hate it, it's like just when you think you got it under control it just comes up and says 'psych, everything sucks for you' and you sink into this hole of grief. I don't want to sleep, I don't want to be awake, I don't want to wake up, I don't want to be alone, I don't want to do these damn exams, I hate complaining, I'm reverting typing so much don'ts, I don't like it, there it is again, I want to focus on what I like. But I can't seam to do that when I'm alone, I should start seeing a psychologist again, the last one was so unhelpful though, damn gypsy woman was all like, so tell me about so and so, hmm I see and how do you feel about that.

I don't know, I like being happy, very much so, right now I feel guilty, I feel like I've come into Dean's life and messed with a system that has been working for him, like paying his bills an stuff, and then I come along and take him out and sorta wreaks with the system, maybe it's true or maybe it's just the guilt trip of depression. Am I an emotional dead weight? Do I drag people down? Its like I'm forced to think that I do, and the more I think about it the more I believe that I am, but I don't think I am, I'm pretty sure I'm not, I try not to be, I don't think I've ever put pressure onto Dean about my emotions, I try not to unload emotions onto other people, it makes me feel guilty like I'm putting weight onto their shoulders, I never hinted to him that I'm depressed, no I'm not depressed, I'm just going through a stage, but yea I've never really hinted that I've been going through a bad stage, I probably should because I think those are things that couples talk about, I'd love for him to share his emotions with me if he's going through tough times, which he probably is, he might be doing the same thing I'm doing, not wanting to burden, but I guess it's not a burden, well I wouldn't feel burdened by him sharing how he feels, I'd feel loved, and important that he is sharing something like that to me, and I'd most definitely help in anyway possible, I guess maybe I should tell him that I'm feeling a little down, but I don't even know why I feel down. It's so stupid, it's like I've got a problem but there isn't actually a problem there, my stuff at home is normal life problems I suppose and I just don't know. I can't expect him to pressure something out of me when I've given him like no reason to suspect somethings up, maybe tomorrow I could have some one on one time with him, why should I be so worried, why do I worry so much, I'd probably scare him off with all my worrying, I feel very anxious, argh I hate anxiety. I'm surprised how well he is doing with all the stresses he has, if I was in his position I'd definitely crack, he's strong, unless he's like me and hides it behind a smile, even then he is strong to put on the mask, I love him, and now I'm worried that he might not be doing as well as he seams, I miss him. How could I last a weekend without him if I can't even last tonight, but I guess tonights different.

In the end, the things I'm going through are probably normal things that everyone goes through, I just need to grow up and deal with it I guess, I'm so not keen for this exam.


- iBen =]x