Sick

I've never been good enough, no matter how much I tried, I was never good enough, which is why after time I just started to not care. Imagine having to scrape pills out of your mothers mouth because she over dosed when you were 12, and everyone said that I had to take care of mum, I had to help her in every way, and I did, I know I did because everyone said I did, they still say it 'you used to always help her,' what made me stop? Maybe it was the numerous other suicide attempts that took plays in the following years, I specifically remember when she took off in 2008, sent everyone suicide messages, I remember everyone was flipping shit, they were crying, stressing, and I was there, trying not to let it bother me and continue washing the dishes like mum would have wanted. It was all a lie, no matter what I did to help her, it wouldn't make a difference, she still went down the dark road, so how was I supposed to feel, I felt like I wasn't good enough, like I have failed her.

What made things worse for me was when I came down with depression, I had to focus on myself to make me happy, its so hard to be happy when you feel like you're failing the person you love. She is sitting down stairs now, chatting away to her friends for support and sympathy while I'm up her alone in tears, I have no one to talk to about this, I'm messaging Dean now, but how am I supposed to tell the person I love so much that at times it is hard for me to have the will to live, its not his fault, its no ones fault, its not my fault, I'm just fucked, and theres nothing anyone can do for me, I can't see my fucking psychologist because she will give me some fucking burnt red tree ash or some hippie crap. I've been dealing with it great, but she just brings me down, I can't stay mentally healthy while I'm with her, we are no good for each other, tonight I put a blade to my skin, I just burst out in tears, there is so much hope for me, others would have made the cut, I'm still sane.

Carer

So I'm in a pretty terrible situation at the moment, I've got my boyfriend down the coast in the company of Hugh while he's trying out for a job, and I have my mother sleeping on the lounge downstairs, bed ridden and incapable to the simplest of tasks which puts me as the carer since she is my mother. The fact that Dean is persuing a job down the coast doesn't annoy me, well sort of, I mean its fantastic, he is moving on in life, getting a job, a place of his own, what bothers me is that I am left behind, I'd love to move down with him and find a job down there, but that decision is up to him. Also that tonight Hugh is paying him a visit at his dads place is a little annoying, because its Hugh, I've tried to be his friend, but the fact that he wont accept that Dean and I are together frustrates me, he treats Dean as that guy that he would love to get with, and thats not fair on Dean, not to mention how frustrating it is for me, but Dean tries to keep that friendship and Hugh just seams to want more. Its quite annoying that he is there and I'm not, especially at his dads house, like I've been there once and was accused of being his partner, whats going on now that Hugh is there, and if he stays then his dad is just gonna be even more suspecting, does Hugh even care that Dean isn't out, I do contain myself so that Dean's parents don't know, and then Hugh is just like, heyy I'm gonna come visit you for the night.. But its what Dean wants, he wants Hugh over because after all he is his friend, even though he sounded so disappointed with the situation, I'm sure he will sort everything out, I trust him =] Oh yea, the mother part, so mum had a hysterectomy and she is completely useless when it comes to doing anything so I, the son living under her roof, am the carer, I've been staying up all night to get her to take her pills, waking up in early hours of the morning for more pills, and then driving everywhere in a manic rush leaving me with about 2 hours of the day to myself, there is nothing fun about this. But she is my mum, and she has done so much and more for me for the past 18 years of my life, so I'm sure I can last however long her recovery time will take, besides, I've been there for her in much worse positions then what she is in now..

I just concluded that what I blog is of pretty much no interest to anyone, why would anyone want to read this, but heyy, this blog is mainly for me, its my way to unwind and just release some stress and thoughts that plague my mind, except that they still plague my mind, its just good to talk about it, even if its to no one I know.

Damaged Petals

I'd like to tell Dean everything, about Isaac, about mum, I don't know how he'd react, might be too much for him, might make him understand a few things, he might not care, he'll probably just act how he usually does, I worry too much about how people will react to things rather then actually doing it and then facing the reaction unprepared. The other night when mum threatened me with a knife, it wasn't even the worst welcome home I've had, It's stupid that I can't even find the courage to tell a heap of random people I have never met. When I was twelve Isaac attempted suicide, I was the one that found him in a puddle of his own blood on the bathroom floor with knife cuts all across his arm, that was a nice welcome home. To top that, later that year coming home with Isaac, mum was nowhere to be found, finally we went in her room to find her face down on her bed with empty pill boxes next to her, we managed to get her on the floor and while Isaac called the ambulance I had to stick my fingers down her mouth to make her vomit up the pills and scrape them out of her mouth, fucking great welcome home for a twelve year old. My childhood hasn't been the easiest nor has it been the hardest, crying myself to sleep most nights, trying to forget everything, praying to god that one day it will all stop, it's finally stopped now, but things are still not good. How can I be expected to be normal after going through that, and mum has the nerve to tell me that I've had a great life, that I've had Christmases and presents all the time, well if you make a cake with all the right ingredients it's a good cake, but if you throw a knife and some pills in that cake it's gonna turn out pretty damn bad. It's understandable, when Tupac said not to blame the rose that grew from concrete for it's damaged petals, it's not exactly easy to turn out good when you've been through so much bad.

Much ado about everything

Everything is just fine, like why am I here, I don't want to be here, why cant I move from here, why am I so afraid to pack my shit and leave. Who wants me here, more so who needs me here, less so who cares if I'm here. Why bother, everything blows up in my face.

I can't say that I have had the worst dealt to me, but you'd think that your own mother coming at you with a knife would be pretty bad. Shes already damaged me, a knife could only heal what I've seen, as she came at me in my head all I could think was 'do it, please just do it' I just cant take that shit anymore, I don't want to die, but I don't want to be here.

Bad Day -_-

I'm hungry, I'm pissed off and I'm tired. I'm sore, I'm wrong, I'm selfish and I'm a prick. I'm annoyed, I'm confused and I've just had enough. You can't change people so why does she expect me to change for her, I'm just not good enough for her way of life, the only solution is getting out. Instead of yelling at me an expecting results she should at least help me be independent so that I can move out and do us both a huge favor.

I'm tired, I do not want to be here, I just want to get to my bed and rest, I just want to close my eyes and sleep for a while. Would I still take the red pill, the ignorance could be so blissful from the truth, but the truth could set me free from the lifestyle that I share. I'm sick of taking pills, but I'll be sick from not taking pills, I hate these decisions.

Religion doesn't answer my questions, I pray that it will answer yours.

I Want Short Breaths

Lyrics from Crimewave - Crystal Castles, why, because nothing they say is straight forward, it's conceptual lyrics, you've got to think about how things relate in certain contexts. It has been three months since my first date with Dean, back then it was only a dream to wake up and have him lying next to me, now its a reality. What I need right now is to take a look at the hurdles that lie ahead of me that if i don't overcome now, they will become barriers, barricading me from reaching my full potential.

1. Isaac
2. My mother
3. My health
4. This couch

Well firstly the problem with my brother is that he is a prick, I suppose its not entirely his fault for how he turned out but that's another story and its his choice to continue to act the way he does and do nothing about changing it. The problem is that he and I don't and wont get along for some time until he changes, so I have to have little interaction with him, hopefully it will get through to him that the way that he acts is tearing this family apart. Worst part though is the memories, of him at his worst, the people he hurt and how he made me feel helpless and hopeless. When I saw a situation that involved an older sibling being verbally abusive, the catalyst in the negative environment, it reminded me of how Isaac would lash out, hit mum, hit me and make me feel like there was nothing I could do to help the people I love, I got scared and anxious, its just the memories make me feel useless and weak. I don't know how to resolve this problem, I have tried extending my help to the victim, someone important to me, but maybe the situation isn't as bad as it seams to be for me and they can deal with it easily. I guess this problem is probably best resolved with my shrink =S

The mother! dum dum duuum. That was my lame attempt of intensifying the situation.. don't judge me.. okay you can judge me. As much as I love my mother, she drives me crazy, I never know what she is going to do or want next. She'll get me to drive her around then tell me to stop using so much petrol, she'll have a go at me for crashing my car and then without warning buy me another car, she'll tell me to stop spending so much money (okay so i spend about 150 max a week) then she goes and buys a $2500 3D Plasma television. That stuff I can deal with I suppose, shes going through menopause and is hormonal as hell, and I guess I'm the only one around to take her frustrations out on, still its not fair that I get yelled at and told off when I am the only one of her children that actually does things for her. What makes it worse is when she gets hypocritical, such as 'Ben you didn't wash the frying pan' when the sink is full of dirty dishes built up over the past days that I haven't even been there. I am happy to clean up my mess and look after myself, I can do work for two people but why should I when she yells and hurls abuse at me, if she asked nicely and thanked me for completing tasks shes asked me to do then it would be progressive towards the next time she asks me to do something. My only solution for this is to move out, but I suppose I can't do that for another 3 months minimum.

My health isn't that bad of a problem as it used to be, since I have been with Dean I have started eating different things, and I have had a positive outlook on my future health. I want to be fit and healthy, my small steps are slowly adding up and I already feel more motivated then before. Swimming, small home work outs, hopefully more tennis with Dean and slowly but surely I'll get there.

Finally this couch, well Dean is coming over tonight and that is more then enough motivation to get off my ass and get over there to pick him up, so I end this blog on a positive note, and here's my words of advice for the day, 'stay in school and stay away from drugs.'

I'm Back

It has been to long since I have last blogged, I haven’t had any internet for over a week which meant no facebook, no twitter, no msn and no blogging. The no social networking has been pretty good actually, I attained a greater appreciation for reality, taking in every little detail and microsecond of life and acknowledging its existence and relevance to my life. Seriously, when I had internet I was literally face down for half the day, looking for recent news within the cyber reality I became part of.

I don’t know if I am feeling like this because I am here or because I am away from Dean, I feel a little angry, agitated, annoyed, lonely and sad. I can understand that I feel angry and annoyed with being home with mum, she doesn’t seem to understand that I have been pretty stressed with my HSC, and yea, staying at Dean’s has been very stress relieving. I can’t relax when I am at home, just right now I feel really pissed off. I don’t know, I’m feeling a little down, I was reading some old stuff I wrote, before I blogged I would keep a virtual diary on my computer, only I saw them and only I know what they say. Some of them were pretty sad, and now it seams I have slipped a little into that area again, it doesn’t help when I am around my mother whom constantly brings me down with “you’ll never survive in the real world” crap, I cant wait till I move out. I have noticed a little bit of temperamental mood swings lately, when I am with Dean or friends I am happy, but when I come home I feel tense and a little angry and short tempered. Sometimes I can jump to conclusions but I am just saying that bi-polar could be a possibility, after all it does run in the family, but its most likely just hormones and crap, like mums menopausal mood swings and my teenage boy hormone crap just don’t mix. She can really piss me off sometimes though, I am the only one of her kids that actually helps her and she still has the nerve to call me unappreciative, I know why she always brings me down about not surviving in the real world every time I bring up moving out, she needs me. She wouldn’t be able to cope without me, so she brings me down so I feel as though I can’t survive and so I have to stay with her, fuck that, who does that, bring their own child down for their own benefit. I don’t know anymore, I think I should just go to sleep before my mind conjures up some other bizarre thought.

I am the devil boy

So I am Ben, and you people that are reading are reading my 70th post, I'm pretty stoked that I have been this commuted to a cause. So there are blogs out there with hundreds of followers, and that's amazing, people are obviously interested in what they have to say, I have 10, and I feel that that is a successful number for me, I don't aim on preaching to a wide audience, all I want in life is to be recognized and remembered, that has been my goal since a young child. So with that being said, I shall commence my thoughts and issues that have been bothering me over the last day or two.

Okay so Dean didn't end up going to lunch with his ex girlfriend yesterday, I think he wants to bring me with him. I know he would t have told her about being with me and being gay, who knows, maybe he is bisexual and still has feelings for her, then I don't know what I would do, how can you be with someone that can't love you to the extent that oh love them, but I feel that that isn't the case. I'm sure he is just fearful of reaction, he's not as lucky as I was, to be able to not care about repercussions and reactions. He does say he doesn't want to crush her, but I think that is just a way for him to stall, but I have said that j would never preside him into coming out so I did back of with telling him to tell her, although he did end up telling her that he was in a difficult situation. Maybe this weekend or something, he might ask me to go out for lunch with him and his ex, it would ease my mind knowing that the situation is being dealt with. Last night I asked him if he would move out with me, and I thought about when his ex would message him something like that and he would either not reply or use the excuse that he needs a proper job. So after I sent the message I expected either no reply or a no, which I told him was all hypothetical and that I wasn't suggesting anything yet. He replied with yes I would, and I was pretty happy, because I knew that it would take some time before it happened, I would have to finish school and find a job and he would need to find a job so it would take a few months but he said that he would be willing to wait that long and then move in together.

Speaking of moving out, I can not wait till I do. Mum has been annoying the hell out of me, she has a go at me for the stupidest things, if I mutter a word, bam, she starts yelling and throwing crap. What annoys me is the double standards, I have a party and the next day I clean up the place spotless, wipe down benches, vacuum, mop, wash dishes, spotless. She dropped a bottle of vinegar all over the kitchen floor over three days ago and it's still there, I haven't stepped foot in there because it's so gross. Enough of my whinging, my art work calls me.

It's too late to say you're sorry

I love Dean, I know I do, it seams all my thoughts somehow revolve around him or can be linked back to him. I used to think it was risky business falling in love, to much heartbreak, but that's a lack of faith thing, and I have faith in him and our relationship, I know he has strong feelings for me too, he's never said he loves me but neither have I, well face to face. Last night I sent one of those drunk messages to him because his phone was dead so he wouldn't have gotten it until we were both sober. It was pretty much me saying I love him and complaining that I never got to have a decent moment with him last night to tell him that I love him. Well it was mainly that but I also told him that I felt that I was invading and pushing my way into his life because I usually just turn up to his and stay the night. Am I not giving him enough space? I think I'm just over reacting to my own reactions, I feel that we don't act as a couple and then it freaks me that maybe we aren't acting like a couple, and then I think that maybe he doesn't want to be with me, but I over react, if he doesn't want to be with me then he wouldn't be there with me in the beginning. I'm worrying way to much, I should probably give him some space. Were always at his place and his mum and brother are there, if were not there then were with my friends doing something, we used to go to the spa on weekends, didn't this weekend because I had to clean the house and last weekend he was at his dads. We don't have enough alone time, I want to have just one on one so that we can just be, we won't have to hide from his family and he won't have to feel uncomfortable around my friends. Another thing, it's always my friends, I've met a few of his friends but only really know one and I only met her on three occasions, and he's already been to the snow with some of my friends for a couple of days. I don't know if he doesn't want me to meet them or if he doesn't want them to know about us or I don't know. There's this one friend of his that he keeps being temperamental with liking and disliking, and he keeps bringing him up and how he wanted Dean to go to Thailand with him in December and all this stuff and he's been very secretive about him. He said there's something about him but he'll tell me another time, then again it's probably just me thinking 'boyfriend talking to another guy' ah I don't want to be like that though but I'm still curious as to what the deal is with him. I don't want to be like 'no you can't talk to guys' because I still talk to this friend of mine. I trust him, and I know I wouldn't do anything to compromise things with him and I trust that he would feel the same. I think the message I sent him may have produced positive results, he just messaged me so yea.

My mum, as much as I love her, I just can't stand her lately. She's without a doubt going through menopause so she's moody as hell. I guess it's good for her that I'm living here, I'm the only one that has patience for her and can't tolerate her verbal and physical abuse. Physical abuse sounds to harsh, it's just throwing things and hitting, she's not bashing me, and it's good because I don't hit back, Isaac without a doubt would hit back and more, and my younger brother is being just as bad, I see so much of Isaac in him. No one has as much patience as I do, even if I do have to cop all the 'fucking idiot' 'selfish prick' 'inconsiderate bastard' I can deal with being mums punching bag, but yea, it's exhausting.