Sick

I've never been good enough, no matter how much I tried, I was never good enough, which is why after time I just started to not care. Imagine having to scrape pills out of your mothers mouth because she over dosed when you were 12, and everyone said that I had to take care of mum, I had to help her in every way, and I did, I know I did because everyone said I did, they still say it 'you used to always help her,' what made me stop? Maybe it was the numerous other suicide attempts that took plays in the following years, I specifically remember when she took off in 2008, sent everyone suicide messages, I remember everyone was flipping shit, they were crying, stressing, and I was there, trying not to let it bother me and continue washing the dishes like mum would have wanted. It was all a lie, no matter what I did to help her, it wouldn't make a difference, she still went down the dark road, so how was I supposed to feel, I felt like I wasn't good enough, like I have failed her.

What made things worse for me was when I came down with depression, I had to focus on myself to make me happy, its so hard to be happy when you feel like you're failing the person you love. She is sitting down stairs now, chatting away to her friends for support and sympathy while I'm up her alone in tears, I have no one to talk to about this, I'm messaging Dean now, but how am I supposed to tell the person I love so much that at times it is hard for me to have the will to live, its not his fault, its no ones fault, its not my fault, I'm just fucked, and theres nothing anyone can do for me, I can't see my fucking psychologist because she will give me some fucking burnt red tree ash or some hippie crap. I've been dealing with it great, but she just brings me down, I can't stay mentally healthy while I'm with her, we are no good for each other, tonight I put a blade to my skin, I just burst out in tears, there is so much hope for me, others would have made the cut, I'm still sane.

I am the devil boy

So I am Ben, and you people that are reading are reading my 70th post, I'm pretty stoked that I have been this commuted to a cause. So there are blogs out there with hundreds of followers, and that's amazing, people are obviously interested in what they have to say, I have 10, and I feel that that is a successful number for me, I don't aim on preaching to a wide audience, all I want in life is to be recognized and remembered, that has been my goal since a young child. So with that being said, I shall commence my thoughts and issues that have been bothering me over the last day or two.

Okay so Dean didn't end up going to lunch with his ex girlfriend yesterday, I think he wants to bring me with him. I know he would t have told her about being with me and being gay, who knows, maybe he is bisexual and still has feelings for her, then I don't know what I would do, how can you be with someone that can't love you to the extent that oh love them, but I feel that that isn't the case. I'm sure he is just fearful of reaction, he's not as lucky as I was, to be able to not care about repercussions and reactions. He does say he doesn't want to crush her, but I think that is just a way for him to stall, but I have said that j would never preside him into coming out so I did back of with telling him to tell her, although he did end up telling her that he was in a difficult situation. Maybe this weekend or something, he might ask me to go out for lunch with him and his ex, it would ease my mind knowing that the situation is being dealt with. Last night I asked him if he would move out with me, and I thought about when his ex would message him something like that and he would either not reply or use the excuse that he needs a proper job. So after I sent the message I expected either no reply or a no, which I told him was all hypothetical and that I wasn't suggesting anything yet. He replied with yes I would, and I was pretty happy, because I knew that it would take some time before it happened, I would have to finish school and find a job and he would need to find a job so it would take a few months but he said that he would be willing to wait that long and then move in together.

Speaking of moving out, I can not wait till I do. Mum has been annoying the hell out of me, she has a go at me for the stupidest things, if I mutter a word, bam, she starts yelling and throwing crap. What annoys me is the double standards, I have a party and the next day I clean up the place spotless, wipe down benches, vacuum, mop, wash dishes, spotless. She dropped a bottle of vinegar all over the kitchen floor over three days ago and it's still there, I haven't stepped foot in there because it's so gross. Enough of my whinging, my art work calls me.

Day 28 - Stranger Dreams

Emotions are funny things, when you actually think about what they are, they are just chemical imbalancements in your brain that cause you to smile, laugh, hate, fear, etc. Easter sucks, I got no idea what I am ranting on about today. I just want to leave, like run away but somewhere far away, somewhere where there are brown trees, with their leaves forever falling, just graceful. I can lay there, under the trees and let these brown leaves slowly glide over me, covering me, protecting me as I lay there ever so peaceful. Not here though, not in Australia, my thoughts of this place lead me to believe that a place of which I dream of running away to cannot exist in this country. I need to be far away, a place where I never knew existed, that's where my dream get away lies. Its funny how songs make my thoughts run wild, listen to The Summer by Josh Pyke, hopefully you can visualize this place that I do, a place that reminds you of the happiest moments of your life, somewhat of solitude but with the ones you love and enhance your love, joy and happiness for life. These people know who they are, and if they are reading this they most defiantly know I am talking about them.

But that's the thing, I want to be able to escape to this place that only exists in my head with these people that enhance my life, but I cannot take these people from their life. The only logical possibility for my dream to be true for me realise on my actions, running away to my dream destination, alone, in a cold and silent solitude manner, and just visualize everything and everyone that makes my life happy and enjoyable. Visualize that they are there with me, put my mind in a trance as the leaves soothe my mind and link my physical, psychological and emotional states. Fuck I need to ease up on the LSD... I'm kidding you can never have enough LSD... Okay I'm kidding even more, I have never had LSD, and that's the truth. I just say that as an excuse so people don't think I am crazy because of the shit I rant about.

I wish I could dance, it looks so graceful. Last night I had a conversation with an anonymous year 9 boy, I don't know this boy, I have no idea how I got this boy's msn address, but last night we ended up talking. We talked about sexuality, our out looks on certain situations and how they differed (he is straight by the way), talked about drugs and a lot of personal information. It is such a great thing to talk to strangers, I have no idea what mother was about when I was younger, strangers are the best to talk to, they don't know you, their judgment of you means nothing really so you can tell them the most personal information about you because you don't know them, they wont judge you and you feel free with them. If he is reading this I just want to say thanks for the chat.

iBen