Six Feet Under The Stars

Its an All Time Low song, I guess I found some songs to suite my mood. I'm in an alright state of mind at the moment, like I am sore, my armpit hurts whenever I move my right arm, I keep getting these headaches, ulcers came back and my throat hurts whenever I eat, but despite all that I'm pretty good. I recently read over my earlier blog posts and I remembered why I made this blog, it was like a means of recording why I do things, the reasoning behind my actions. I found my first post where I referred to Dean, its funny because when Lauren told me that she was reading my blog (months ago), I sort of freaked out and then I made references directed to her, that was around the time I first came across Dean and so since I was in a directive state of writing I would wright things like "You're cute, I like your smile, you should smile more often, it looks good on you, even though your face is cute without a smile" - Scene, just because only I knew who I was talking about, ha it would be kinda weird if he found my blog ay, wouldn't it? Was he as into me as I was into him? I dunno, the fact is we are where we are now, and its pretty bloody fantastic, despite the physical fact that he is down the coast, but you get what I am saying.

This sort of got me thinking, things have changed so much from March, but then again it all started in March, I started this blog in March, and I first worked up the courage to start conversation with Dean in March, and since then my journey has been a roller coaster with family, school, friends and my health, mental and physical, and then there is Dean, whom has been the best thing that has ever come my way. I am so happy with how life has played out since then, its funny, that we were pretty much already a couple before I asked him and now it seams that we are pretty much living together even though we aren't.

Its mental that I have been with him pretty much everyday for the past 5 months, I thought it would be a lot harder to not see him for one or two days, but its good, because I know that its for the best, the job would be awesome, except now he wont get it because he needs a licence =\ Thats good though, he did say he didn't want the job, and he can always find one up here. Ah, Bali in about 6 days, that will be a whole 10 days without Dean, now that is mental, I need to get one of those sim cards, I'll be messaging him like crazy, sending him pictures and keeping him up to date, I'll get him an awesome present =D Oh and the day I get back is going to be our 6 month mark, Neil seams to have passed on to a better place so I reckon we should go buy a fern together, like a symbolic plant of us, I guess you see those cheesy relationships where they celebrate like monthly anniversaries and stuff, I don't think a fern is cheesy, I reckon it would be pretty awesome, something we can both look after.

Okay well its 12:57 am so I best get some sleep, I am back on pill duty so it shall be a fun morning for me =]

Much love, rectify.

Bad Day -_-

I'm hungry, I'm pissed off and I'm tired. I'm sore, I'm wrong, I'm selfish and I'm a prick. I'm annoyed, I'm confused and I've just had enough. You can't change people so why does she expect me to change for her, I'm just not good enough for her way of life, the only solution is getting out. Instead of yelling at me an expecting results she should at least help me be independent so that I can move out and do us both a huge favor.

I'm tired, I do not want to be here, I just want to get to my bed and rest, I just want to close my eyes and sleep for a while. Would I still take the red pill, the ignorance could be so blissful from the truth, but the truth could set me free from the lifestyle that I share. I'm sick of taking pills, but I'll be sick from not taking pills, I hate these decisions.

Religion doesn't answer my questions, I pray that it will answer yours.

Oh god I'm bleeding

On my arm and back, I have no idea how but there is blood. Anyways, I finally created a blog for my literature, at the moment there are three texts up there that I consider conceptual/surreal writings. What inspired me to write them were my surroundings, the words are basically the environment I was in, strung together to make something. It's what I call impulse writing, you just write what you see, feel, hear, taste and smell, there are no thoughts involved, there are no mistakes, every word that is put down is meant to be there, there is no erasing and finding what goes better, you cannot manipulate the environment that way so don't do it with your writings. Its fun, and its nice to see what the end result is. Um check it out if you want, here is the link:

http://stormliterature.blogspot.com/

On other news, Isaac is giving me the shits, seriously what gives him the idea that I want him to be near me, I have done the complete opposite, I have hinted for him to fuck off, he comes in my room trying to chat to me, half the shit he says does not even make it into my ear to be tossed out the other. Then he brings up whether I am a rigid gay or a girly gay, some people are so ignorant. And I think it is terrible to tell someone that you expect the best from them, telling someone that you have extraordinary great expectations for them puts stress on them, stress I don't need, even though I don't care about anything he says. But despite the massive wanker, I have been pretty good, I have enjoyed the lifestyle I have been recently living, its a bit egocentric and now I have a better understanding on how these egocentric people live, its quite horrid in some aspects, if your able to be ignorant to everyone and everything other than yourself than it works but I just cant do that. Well I'm ready for my next change, it seems like its going to be very fun and exciting, I have sort of already put it into play and it has been working constantly. There is one person in particular whom I need to work this lifestyle into, its a very carefree, optimistic and positive in-tact vibes sort of lifestyle. Its exciting because it eradicates the SSDD outlook and creates a new and adventurous outlook.

Sometimes I dont think before I type and I end up typing a heap of shit /\ /\ =]