I don't know why I brought it up, but when now when I saw the word suicide, I just mentally break down, I almost cried tonight, right in front of Dean, only way I could hold it back was to just not talk, just try and think about anything else. It's really not nice to have a memory of your mother screaming at you that she would be better off with me dead, that I should go kill myself, and when she said it she meant it. In front of my younger brother too, yea thanks, like I haven't done enough to try and protect him and now he has more reason to hate me. I don't have the scars on my wrists, I was lucky enough to not slide the knife across, he has no idea what I have been through, but he's just a kid, it's okay. I even had to wear my glasses, I had to wear my damn glasses because I didn't want to put him in an awkward position, I don't want to freak him out with my problems, hell, how do I know that anything that I've been through is even remotely as bad as what he has been through, it's selfish of me to think that my problems are so big, I should just suck it all up and be a man about it. I cry, I don't ever want to hurt myself, I don't intend to, I need to get the hell away from this lifestyle, I want to get away, I want to go somewhere, I want to escape with Dean, I want to be with him, away from all the running around for everyone else's crap, wrestling, posting, buying crap, giving lifts, picking up mums friends, it's just not for me, it may sound selfish, but I can't stand helping the cycle continue when the cycle has caused so much damage to me. I don't know what I ramble about, it just trails off, I'm sorry that I had to be in such a crappy mood with Dean so that I could contain my sorrow, argh god damn facebook apps, sorrow can suck it.
- iBen =]x
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