Best Day Of My Life

I found a bag containing school books from year 6, and I was reading through one of them, laughing at all the stupid things I came up with and how much I have changed and whats stayed the same, I found a title, 'The Best Day Of My Life' but under neath it was blank. I was a bit confused and sad, I tend to have bad memory when I look back at my childhood, and reading things like my school life timeline in those books was fun and insightful because it reminded me of what happened, but seeing that I left the best day of my life blank confused me, what is the best day of my life? Back then it was 2004 so I would have probably said year 6 camp, but I don't think that had happened yet, otherwise I would have written it, but I haven't really had any days that had held a significant event, each day was the same really, we might go to sydney or the leisure centre every once in a while but it wasn't the best day of my life, it makes me wonder what other people would answer this question with..

But I ask myself the same question today, and I look back at each year, they all got better as I got older, but they also got worse, year 7 was so fun, but my problems at home were just starting out, year 11 was amazing, I came out and it made me so happy, but it was when my depression sunk in and I found myself trying to kill myself, but the past year has been the best year of my life, meeting Dean was the best thing that has happened to me, but I don't think that would be the best day of my life. If I had to put it down to one day, it would be the day that Dean and I were in Newtown, and I took him into the city to go to the Chinese Gardens, we caught a ferry, walked over the Sydney Harbour Bridge, went to China-town and walked back to Newtown. I didn't care how much money I spent that day, I just wanted to make it as perfect as I could, and seeing him smile all day was amazing it made me so happy, knowing that it was just us.

The biggest problem with my anxiety is that I worry that I can't give Dean what he wants, that I can't afford to take him to amazing places, like Hugh can pay for him to go to Thailand including spending money, and he loves Thailand, but the best I could do was take him to Chinese Garden's, it worries me, but that day was the best day of my life because I felt so, confident I suppose, that I don't need to worry about stuff like that, because I can make him happy. Still, the fact that he hasn't made an effort to see me yet alone talk to me the past couple of days doesn't help at all, that I am always the one that starts the conversation, makes the offer to come over, it just makes me feel like he doesn't want to see me. The worst part is that he uses the excuse that its his mums rules that he can't stay the night, when he used to stay over several nights a week before his mum found out, and even after she found out he would still spend a few nights over, and on top of that, his little brother is staying over a girls house 2 nights in a row and his mum isn't bothered the slightest bit. It's just that if you love someone, you make an effort for them, great now mums called up and ditching me to go to the movies tonight.. I asked Dean yesterday if he would ask his mum if he can stay here tonight and watch movies tonight, he said he will ask so I'm hopeful, except I asked him today if he was going to, and he hasn't given me an answer, still hopeful.

I just wish thing were how it used to be

Six Feet Under The Stars

Its an All Time Low song, I guess I found some songs to suite my mood. I'm in an alright state of mind at the moment, like I am sore, my armpit hurts whenever I move my right arm, I keep getting these headaches, ulcers came back and my throat hurts whenever I eat, but despite all that I'm pretty good. I recently read over my earlier blog posts and I remembered why I made this blog, it was like a means of recording why I do things, the reasoning behind my actions. I found my first post where I referred to Dean, its funny because when Lauren told me that she was reading my blog (months ago), I sort of freaked out and then I made references directed to her, that was around the time I first came across Dean and so since I was in a directive state of writing I would wright things like "You're cute, I like your smile, you should smile more often, it looks good on you, even though your face is cute without a smile" - Scene, just because only I knew who I was talking about, ha it would be kinda weird if he found my blog ay, wouldn't it? Was he as into me as I was into him? I dunno, the fact is we are where we are now, and its pretty bloody fantastic, despite the physical fact that he is down the coast, but you get what I am saying.

This sort of got me thinking, things have changed so much from March, but then again it all started in March, I started this blog in March, and I first worked up the courage to start conversation with Dean in March, and since then my journey has been a roller coaster with family, school, friends and my health, mental and physical, and then there is Dean, whom has been the best thing that has ever come my way. I am so happy with how life has played out since then, its funny, that we were pretty much already a couple before I asked him and now it seams that we are pretty much living together even though we aren't.

Its mental that I have been with him pretty much everyday for the past 5 months, I thought it would be a lot harder to not see him for one or two days, but its good, because I know that its for the best, the job would be awesome, except now he wont get it because he needs a licence =\ Thats good though, he did say he didn't want the job, and he can always find one up here. Ah, Bali in about 6 days, that will be a whole 10 days without Dean, now that is mental, I need to get one of those sim cards, I'll be messaging him like crazy, sending him pictures and keeping him up to date, I'll get him an awesome present =D Oh and the day I get back is going to be our 6 month mark, Neil seams to have passed on to a better place so I reckon we should go buy a fern together, like a symbolic plant of us, I guess you see those cheesy relationships where they celebrate like monthly anniversaries and stuff, I don't think a fern is cheesy, I reckon it would be pretty awesome, something we can both look after.

Okay well its 12:57 am so I best get some sleep, I am back on pill duty so it shall be a fun morning for me =]

Much love, rectify.

I Hate Being Alone

So here I sit, alone on my bed surrounded by all these bloody books. Ugh how I hate this, I hate just sitting here, it feels like such a huge waste of time, time I could be spending with friends and Dean. I like to live for the now, I like to always be doing something, I love to be into what I am doing right now, rather then worry about what will come later down the track. The whole study stuff annoys me, I cant imagine anyone enjoying expressing the imaginary part of 1/(1-z) in terms of theta, but I guess in life there are things you have to do whether you enjoy them or not, but things like this are not fair, we shouldn't have to sit such stupid exams to determine our level of intelligence. Bah, talking about what shouldn't have to happen is unfortunately not going to change the fact that it will happen. Thats another thing I hate, that we cant change anything by talking about it, wow I just realized how lazy that sounds, I cant wait until HSC is over, I want to go on a road trip with Dean, but I cant until I do all this dy dx crap.

We went out to Castros last night, Castros is a LGBT club, it was so awesome. We went by ourselves so we didn't know anyone there but people came up to us and were really friendly, I love gay people lol. We made some friends, they're really nice people, there were some bisexual guys, which added to my theory that they are pretty horny lol. Although there were some pretty sleazy guys, this one guy that was dancing with Dean and I, he was a really nice guy but then I think he grabbed my hand and I was like 'ahh' *grabs Dean* lol, I guess he was just being friendly, but I think I might be a little paranoid that there are heaps of sleazy guys.

I've been writing this post for way too long, keep getting sidetracked with television. I guess I'll just sum it up now, ciao.

In My Head

Cause the song is playing at the moment, but otherwise... yea your still in my head.

So yea I feel great, I'm happy, Dean's just gone off to work and yea I know I'll be alone for the rest of the day but it doesn't seem to worry me right now, things are looking pretty good. We went to the spa on Monday afternoon, it was good lol, well it was like most other times, theres always some weird person or people that hop in while we're in there, haha it was pretty funny because Dean was acting all gay and stuff in front of them, unfortunately I didn't catch on lol. Oh yea, so Hugh, Deans friend, the one thats a little obsessed with him, is coming up to play tennis with him on Thursday, so he invited me to come play and yea I hope it will go okay, its just I have no reason to trust that Hugh wont try something, I know he is probably a great friend and Dean really wants to keep that friendship strong, I just don't know if Hugh is able to accept that they are just friends, I hope he does cause its not fair on Dean that they're friendship would have to suffer, and its not comfortable for me when it feels like hes trying to take Dean from me. Like taking him to Sydney to go out, like he knows I'm here, it's not really what a friend does, like whenever my friends invite me somewhere they invite Dean as well, but you know its a bit odd to take someones boyfriend out but not their partner so obviously he still is obsessing over Dean. Is that all I do, complain? Its just not fair on Dean, its not fair when you try hard to be a friend when they want more, sorta like with Jessye, eww, but yea its like when Sarah introduced me to Jessye because he had like no friends, but then when I became his friend and introduced him to my friends he just became so... whats the word, "look at me I'm a missive homosexual and I like to wear nail polish and do homosexual stuff" Thats not really the same circumstances but its the same situation, like you try to be someones friend when they want something different in return.

Ew seeing that name in my blog makes me a bit ugh. I just got a message from dad, its my cousins birthday next month so they're having a party or something at my grandparents on the 6th November, Its Suma's birthday party that night as well so I can stop into my grandparents during the day and then head to Newtown in the afternoon, I hope Dean would be alright with coming, I'd like him to come.

But yea, I'm fair tempted to paint the walls, not pro like, just splatter paint everywhere, in my head it looks pretty awesome. I'm hungry, I might dig into this chocolate frosting stuff Dean and I got, omg it tastes so good, but I should have breakfast first. I've always pictured myself as being someone that I would hate, I really don't think I would like me if there was two of me, I don't mean I would hate me if I was someone else, I mean like if there were two of me, I would hate the other me, I think because he knows me, like he would be able to predict me way to well and oh god, like I would think 'hmm I could like frame things on him' but he would think the same and it would be a race to whoever frame the other first but we both know that were racing each other so we would have to take out the competition so we would both try to kill each other and all this thought process would be in the space of like a split second so were both just staring at each other thinking 'kill him' but then I would think 'nah lets forget about this and just live a normal life' but knowing me I would see this as a sign of weakness and kill the other while they have dropped their guard, I really cant trust myself with my weaknesses, is that terrible that I would kill my other self at the slightest sign of weakness? I don't care if it is, cause the situation will never arise, I just like to talk shit sometimes, keeps my mine active =]

All is right in my life, sort of =]

I Want Short Breaths

Lyrics from Crimewave - Crystal Castles, why, because nothing they say is straight forward, it's conceptual lyrics, you've got to think about how things relate in certain contexts. It has been three months since my first date with Dean, back then it was only a dream to wake up and have him lying next to me, now its a reality. What I need right now is to take a look at the hurdles that lie ahead of me that if i don't overcome now, they will become barriers, barricading me from reaching my full potential.

1. Isaac
2. My mother
3. My health
4. This couch

Well firstly the problem with my brother is that he is a prick, I suppose its not entirely his fault for how he turned out but that's another story and its his choice to continue to act the way he does and do nothing about changing it. The problem is that he and I don't and wont get along for some time until he changes, so I have to have little interaction with him, hopefully it will get through to him that the way that he acts is tearing this family apart. Worst part though is the memories, of him at his worst, the people he hurt and how he made me feel helpless and hopeless. When I saw a situation that involved an older sibling being verbally abusive, the catalyst in the negative environment, it reminded me of how Isaac would lash out, hit mum, hit me and make me feel like there was nothing I could do to help the people I love, I got scared and anxious, its just the memories make me feel useless and weak. I don't know how to resolve this problem, I have tried extending my help to the victim, someone important to me, but maybe the situation isn't as bad as it seams to be for me and they can deal with it easily. I guess this problem is probably best resolved with my shrink =S

The mother! dum dum duuum. That was my lame attempt of intensifying the situation.. don't judge me.. okay you can judge me. As much as I love my mother, she drives me crazy, I never know what she is going to do or want next. She'll get me to drive her around then tell me to stop using so much petrol, she'll have a go at me for crashing my car and then without warning buy me another car, she'll tell me to stop spending so much money (okay so i spend about 150 max a week) then she goes and buys a $2500 3D Plasma television. That stuff I can deal with I suppose, shes going through menopause and is hormonal as hell, and I guess I'm the only one around to take her frustrations out on, still its not fair that I get yelled at and told off when I am the only one of her children that actually does things for her. What makes it worse is when she gets hypocritical, such as 'Ben you didn't wash the frying pan' when the sink is full of dirty dishes built up over the past days that I haven't even been there. I am happy to clean up my mess and look after myself, I can do work for two people but why should I when she yells and hurls abuse at me, if she asked nicely and thanked me for completing tasks shes asked me to do then it would be progressive towards the next time she asks me to do something. My only solution for this is to move out, but I suppose I can't do that for another 3 months minimum.

My health isn't that bad of a problem as it used to be, since I have been with Dean I have started eating different things, and I have had a positive outlook on my future health. I want to be fit and healthy, my small steps are slowly adding up and I already feel more motivated then before. Swimming, small home work outs, hopefully more tennis with Dean and slowly but surely I'll get there.

Finally this couch, well Dean is coming over tonight and that is more then enough motivation to get off my ass and get over there to pick him up, so I end this blog on a positive note, and here's my words of advice for the day, 'stay in school and stay away from drugs.'

An Enhanced State Of Mind

Over the past 145 days I have come further than I could imagine, I have faced my fears and conquered barriers I thought I never would. I have transformed from the sadness and hatred that once fueled me and now I am at the happiest state of mind I have ever been at. 145 days ago I set out on a journey and the path I have taken has been traced out in my blog, although the path ahead of me is unseen, it is not unclear.  My future is in my control and it will be what I make it to be, but not always what I want it to be. From here things can only get better, there is no such thing as going back to how I was, it is not possible for anything to bring me down when everything lifts me higher, I am bulletproof. Call it what you want, cocky, egotistic, ignorant, but it doesn't matter, because from here there is no falling no matter what people think can bring me down, it won't.

I think the main turning point in my journey that set it off in the right direction was when Isaac last lashed out, that's the thing about me, I can find positive in negative situations, does that make me a bad person, or resourceful, think about it. When I saw him lash out against my mother and grandparents it was like the things I tried so hard to repress burst out of me and I couldn't let any of this happen again, especially when my younger brother was around to witness it, so once I got in between them I face Isaac and I let out everything that I have held back from him over the past six years, verbally of course, but it hit him harder than any physical act he could do unleash upon me, you could see it in his face and in the reaction that came next. It may have appeared to everyone that I didn't think this through, being face to face with him while holding everyone behind me, but I did, at that point I wanted him to hit me, as sick as it may sound I was waiting for him to hit me, I say that I wanted him to hit me to prove my point about him, but I think I wanted him to hit me for himself. I would gladly take a blow if it mention that no one else had to, anyway I will stop trying to justify why I wanted him to hit me, but when it sealed I was vulnerable, my younger brother got between us, it was so odd to have my younger brother do this for me, and when he is determined to do something he will do it well. Isaac lashed out again with the aim to get me, despite my want to hit me and his will to hit me, he didn't, I am smarter than I thought, by letting him know that he would only prove my point by hitting me put him at war with his ego, and he could not risk knowing that he is really living the life of a monster. That was the turning point, when I was able to face my brother with no fear and speak what I needed to speak with no care for his feelings as he never cared for mine.

So here I am, a projectile that has been launched at speeds exceeding escape velocity, I have past the point of no return and only the infinite stars guide my way

Day 143 - Memories

I feel so great to look back and see how far I have come since day 1. I can see how my emotions have gone an a roller-coaster journey, started from being fueled with anger and hatred, to sinking in sorrow and sadness until being pulled out into the light of happiness and joy that I am in now. I can see how my artwork has been like photographic film, capturing everything I have reflected onto it, and I am happy that I have succeeded in doing so, I look at it and I see the anger portraits I started way back during day 1, and then moved onto the sad works that haven't been finished because my emotions changed to happiness and I have managed to almost complete two happiness works which is great.

I have been feeling effects of a relationship lately, I didn't get to see Dean last night or today and I really want to see him now but I have to study, he even said I have to study, he's good he really is, it's very thoughtful of him to make me study instead of be with him, but I am seeing him tomorrow which is good, after all I don't think I could last not seeing him during exam weeks. Ah crap exam weeks! I think Dean is going to see his dad next week so that will be good for him and I might be able to get some studying done. It's kinda funny because when I turned 18 mum was like, don't think you can go to Castro's and get yourself a boyfriend, you still have your HSC, but yea I didn't meet Dean at Castro's, nor did I meet him when I was 18.

I think I have finally decided what I want to do at university, I want to do a double degree in bachelor of creative arts - bachelor of arts. I want to major in graphic design for creative arts and psychology for arts, I'm not sure if it works like that but I'll have to look into it. I need to do something creative and psychology has always been a main interest for me, I have wanted to be a child or adolescent psychologist because I know how crucial these years are in making a person who they are, and I have seen how messed up peoples lives can turn out if things aren't felt with at a younger age and I can't stand knowing that there are children out there that need help and aren't getting it. I had an idea of opening up my own youth clinic sort of thing, I wrote down my ideas in my ideas book which I created at a young age, I flicked through there a while ago and found so many things, one of which amazed me was my computer cafe, I put so much thought and effort into it, drawing up blueprints, making item lists and prices, security systems, designs and layout of the place, I think that's what kept me interested in the idea, the design aspect. Architecture was my childhood dream job, but as I have seen in my younger brother it might have been a child stage that everyone goes through, designing dream homes and stuff, unless we have more in common then I thought.

Well that's about it for today, hope everyone had a good day and that tomorrow will be better =]

Have your cake and eat it too

Title came from my thoughts from the conversation that the people behind me are having. It seems that now that we are eighteen our conversations have been invaded with politics, I don't like Julia Gillard but I don't like the liberal parties policies, the comment that got me was "I don't like either of them" and the three of them agreed on that statement. Ive hear that line been repeated in politics throughout my life when over hearing older people and my own age bracket talk about politics, to be honest I don't think that they mean what they say, like they say that they don't like either of then but to be honest I think they are just saying that for the sake of politics talk, I'm sure if they actually researched and gave the politicians a chance then they would be able to find positive ground with some of them. My personal opinion on Australian politics and a lot of other politics is that politicians fight against each other to become the person in power, they go against each other and criticize the policies they put forward. What I envisioned Politics to be was a system where the best most suitable candidate is elected to be in charge of leading the community, and to do so it makes sense that both parties work together to share positive ideas and progress on both parties positives and work on their flaws to have a stronger government than they would be if they didn't work together, but no, we are selfish people that only want the position of power to ourselves. It should be about finding the best solutions for the problems that the people of the community are dealing with, but it's not, it's about whoever can make the other person look bad so that they gain that position of power, imagine if there were no opposition, there is no opposing minister, there is a unity of governments that work together to find the best ideas and solutions for the people they are sworn in to govern. Wow, massive tangent before I even started this post, it was suppose to be an update on how I'm going but I got sidetracked by that comment on politics and I can go on about my ideas on politics.

I have been extraordinarily happy over the past several weeks, actually the past two months have been great for me. Three highlights that made me happy were leafing Dean, turning 18 and the snow trip. Being 18 has been awesome, I feel a greater deal of freedom and relief, it's the checkpoint I have been waiting for that marks me as progressing through life, I finally feel that my future is reachable and things are going to work out, I have found a partner, I will finish my secondary education soon and start onto my university studies next year and hopefully move out. My relationship with Dean has been great, on the weekend I met some of his friends which was different because I have already introduced him to a large majority of my friends before we were together. *Tangent* I was talking to Foye today about these theologians or something, it's when you say something repeated by something that means the same thing as the first word, like what I did with large majority, of course it is a large majority because that is what a majority is, instead of changing it I thought I'd go off on this tangent because I learnt something new yet I have forgotten what it's called... *end tangent* So yea he has already become part of my close circle of friends which is awesome and I have only just met three of his friends recently which is good because I want to get to know them as they are a part of Dean's life. It's a little odd though because one of his friends is gay and open to them about it, dot get me wrong I don't find it odd that he has a gay friend I just found it a little odd that if he has an open gay friend then why hasn't he come out to his friends about it? But I am me and I don't pressure people into doing things, he said he doesn't care if his friends know but I'm not going to blurt it to them and say hey I'm Dean's partner, I will let him do it how he wants to do it. A partner isn't for the social status of being with someone, it's about being with them because you want to be with them, and I like that Dean is like that, I wouldn't like it if he was like "everyone this is Ben and he is my boyfriend and yes I am gay" And I don't like saying that I am this or I am that because it sounds boastful and I hate boastful personalities, but yea I am not like that, when I introduced Dean to my friends I didn't parade him around to my friends but I didn't hide him from them and it was nice to be treated the same way. I dunno, it's just these little things that make me like him more. He likes my family, well my mum and younger brother, wow, our families seam a little similar now, we both have a younger brother and our parents aren't married and our older sibling are a little crazy, even though he has a sister and I a brother, we don't see much of our dads and it's weird because I has only met his brother and mum and same with him. Anyways he likes my family and my family like him, the past two nigh we watched movies at my place but it annoyed me that my brother and mum were there, I wanted some alone time with Dean so I could relax and I cannot relax with my brother around for starters and then here was mum that would sit there typing away on the laptop and then noisily taping her packages that she needed to send, it's understandable that she needed to do it but she could of at least had the decency to do it in her room when she knew I wanted to be alone with Dean to watch movies. Like when she was with her boyfriends, she would tell me to come out to watch a movie with them and she would be all touchy and crap with them and I was like, yea I'm going. I just found it pretty disrespectful to do that in front of your kid and I wouldn't do it it her, it's just weird having your mum sit there when she wasn't even watching the movie. I can't relax with them around, but it's true, my brother is annoying and my mum just does her own thing and doesn't really care if she is intruding on you doing your thing.

I have been reading my followers blogs and it's very insightful to read into your thoughts, lives and interests. My favorite aspect about myself is my curiosity of different perspectives, I like to know how different people view things because of their nature, personality, ego, environment and experiences that have shaped their perspectives on things. It's interest me to know why stuck up people, *stuck up people is my reference to Lara... Yea I said it, I have strong reasons to believe that Lara is stuck up and if you find my judgment of her is wrong then I am accepting of criticism to my judgment of her* are so stuck up, how they can know that no one actually likes them yet still act the way they do. I don't like to name and shame but seriously Lara has been annoying me so much, and I speak on behalf of my art class when I say that she should sit at her desk, shut up and do her work instead of strutting around and sticking her nose into everybodys artworks like she owns the place, I don't think you know how annoying it is when you are concentrating on your drawing and then she plants her face right next to yours and just stares at your pen touching the paper as if she were doing it herself, seriously back off out of my face and go do some work, you have nothing to show for your body of work, no wonder Oliver and Berto are sick of you. Sorry for the tangent but yea, it interests me as to why she does it, and it interest me reading your blogs because I get an understanding of you, and when I understand people I feel as though we are bonding through this mutual understanding of each other, and one of my followers asked me for advise and I find it easier to give advise to someone that you can understand.

I have a burn on each of my hands, the parts around the area where the skin from the inside part of your thumbs meet the index finger, you know that price of thin flesh, yea just bellow there, it's no relevance to anything really, it's just that I Joyce them when I type on my iPhone and it's like they are staring at me. Thank you Renate, I didn't think my advise was too helpful but if you need any advise with anything I will be more than happy to help, and thanks Pat for supporting my happiness and I felt very privileged when Lars asked me for advise, it made me happy to know that someone I have never met has asked me for advise, and I am more than happy to help you need it, it's great how the blogging community is filled with nice and caring people, it's a great escape from the wild world we live in

Sky high ^_^

It's been a long time since I last blogged, and I am not to sure what that post was about, but this one is about how happy I am. It's been over a month since I first met him, it was funny because we went to McDonalds and got Mcdippers even though neither of us were hungry. Since then I go to know him and he got to know me, and I knew that I liked him, I like him for him. I like he's sense of humor, he's witty jokes that some people like to overlook, I like his smile, it's simply radiant, no joke, when he smiles it makes me smile. I like just being around him, knowing he is there with me, I like how he falls asleep before I do, and then he goes into his snoring pattern, it may sound weird me saying this but I like how he snores, it's cute, and you can tell he is about to snore because he does this heavy breathing just before hand. Well now I just sound perverted, but I like him, and he's cute, like I want to hug him every time I see him, but I don't. I feel as though I'm making him feel uncomfortable, like, he's my first boyfriend, and he is the first person I wanted to be my boyfriend, but we are different. I came out almost a year ago, and when I did I thought to myself that I wouldn't change, that I would be the exact same I was then, but its not true, after coming out I felt like I was finally allowed to be who I wanted to be, like the things I wanted to like and act the way I wanted to act, and now I can see how much I have changed, I see the way I act now and think that there is no way I would have done these things back then. It's because I feel more comfortable being me, being gay and I feel comfortable liking him and wanted to be with him, I'm not saying he doesn't feel comfortable being with me, that's for him to say, that's why I like to take him out with my friends, give him an environment where he can feel comfortable with being with me, because he can't be comfortable being with me when we are with his family. I feel sorry for him, I don't like having to hold back my emotions, but for him I will, I can wait until he is ready, that's one thing I know, I won't preside him into doing anything he doesn't want to do, and I can see that since we have been hanging with my friends that he has opened up more, he is relaxed and comfortable with them and with me, and it makes me happy. I kissed him last night, I've wanted to kiss him for a while but I've held back because I didn't want to male him feel uncomfortable, but last night I think with the encouragement of gin and tonic I kissed him, but I was a little scared when he didn't kiss back, I though I startled him or something and I felt bad, but later on in the night he kissed me, and I think he felt good about it. It's abut odd me sharing my 'private' life on here so i think this post will only stay up temporarily. But yea, I like him, and he's right next to me sleeping and it was his snoring that inspire me to make this post, just because I like to lay here while he sleeps and just know that he is there, and that he chose to be there. I envy him, how brave he is, I wouldn't have ever dared to have had a relationship while I was in the closet, I felt that it would be to hard for me, he amazes me. It's funny because last night we were talking about how obvious it would be that him and I are together to his mum, I'm over his place almost every night, take him to work, go shopping with him and his mum, go to the snow with him, but yea she doesn't know, and that's the way he wants it and I respect that, so I try my best not to let anything slip, although it is hard to not admire him when I am there. He has also inspired my art work, I haven't told anyone but my artwork was going to revolve around hate and sadness, but since he came into the picture I have been anything but angry or sad, I've been happy, so I started my happiness collection, luckily I finished my hate collection, I couldn't finish the sad one because I am too happy, I'm not telling him that its because of him, then he will feel like he's got that hold on me, and everyone keeps telling him that he wears the pants lol, come on my pants cost 110 dollars.. Ah now I see why he wears the pants. Anyways, enough of my ranting, seriously though even his snores are cute, but yea I might call an end to this post, I'm worried that L might find my blog site again and even worse if he found my site because then he'd read this, so yea, temporary post I suppose. I like you guys, those that are willing to share are willing to listen. By the way that was directed at you fellow joeys bloggers =] goodnight and good breakfast, I'm hoping for bacon and eggs =D

Sky high

My life is far from miserable, I consider my life quite lucky in comparison to others, in a way. Actually if i compared my life to the billions of people living in poverty, my life is fucking perfect, so it shits me how people can be so hating of their own lives when they are so privileged, seriously there are people that go days without food, children being abused and disfigured and yet people complain about how much they hate their life over stupid insignificant things.

Argh too much negativity, would it be okay if I took your breath away..

I love A Day To Remember! You had me at hello. Lol trying to type but keep typing lyrics, I'm pretty happy right now, the next week looks bright for me, despite the fact that I am moving once again but it's nothing I cant handle. As long as I can make it through this week of school everything should be sweet, the weekend looks good, have somethings to look forward to =]

I got a new art diary, again, I have a habit of starting things and leaving them unfinished, its something I have allways done, don't know why, probably laziness, but I don't like the concept that an artwork is finished. It worries me that I may not finish my body of work, oh well, you snooze you lose.

Which one would you get to back you up in a fight, Sailor Moon or the red Powerpuf Girl?