I hate what I used to be

I can easily shift the blame for my past actions onto someone else but the truth is that it was all 100% my fault. If I really cared or gave a shit I would have gone about things a different way, instead I fucked with peoples lives with no remorse. Yes I feel responsible, like I should have known, even if you can justify that it wasn't my fault, the fact is that not only did I not do anything to help him, but I contributed to it. I didn't make life better for him, neither did others but I actually contributed to making his life hell. No I wasn't in a fit state at the time but that's no excuse, if I really cared I would have done something about it, and there I sat thinking that I really felt bad for my actions, I would cry myself to sleep in disgust of what I have done thinking that I was sorry for my actions, if I was really sorry I would not have done it. If only I could turn back time. But I can't, so now I am stuck with the bad choices I have made, staining my conscience. But I truly am sorry, and I cannot make right what I have done, I cannot erase it, it will always be there. I can do something though, at least I can try to do something, I want to apologize, but I need to do more than an apology, I need to help them, if I contributed to the state that they are in then I need to contribute on getting them out from that state. I can't put my mind to ease until I know that I have helped them, I hate knowing that there are people in states like that, no one should have to be in that state, it's life damaging and it's not fair that they should have their life damaged.

Back when I was a little less mature, I envisioned my life to be a punching bag, I wanted to make myself a target for people like me, so that they could hurl their abuse at me instead of taking it out on other people that didn't deserve it, because I knew I could deal with what others can't, and I felt that it was only right that I should take the bourdon that I have felt onto others. I actually tried to become a target, but it wouldn't work, I was quite immature, and I still am, but I'm more mature than what I used to be.

It's not too late is it

I hope not

Heads Will Roll (Draft from 22/6)

So sentimental, not sentimental enough.

The new world order

So yea I turned 18 on Monday, something that was obviously bound to happen sometime, even though I had my doubts at times. Baisicly I have developed a fear of growing old, not my fault though, if you were told when you were a kid that you would e lucky to make it to 20 then I would imagine you would also have a fear of growing old. I do belive that I will grow old and I most certainly will live to see 20, I think doctors back then just didn't have a strong understanding of my condition, even though my lungs do like to fail on me at times, but I'm still alive =]

Life is glorious, the past week had been great, I think I have finally found peace in my mind, although I have been quite indecicive, quite meaning a little more than usual, a little more impulsive, which in turn has been a positive thing.

Me standing up to Isaac the other week has achieved positive outcomes, I think by everyone seeing the 'weakest' of te family take on the, well, Isaac, set a message that people don't have to be scared of him, and it's good, because he is an eff wit and needs to learn that the world does not revolve around him.

There has been quite a bit of good things happening for me in te past week, and I look forward to tomorow and the week that follows.

Until then, much love

iBen with a silent F

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Oh god I'm bleeding

On my arm and back, I have no idea how but there is blood. Anyways, I finally created a blog for my literature, at the moment there are three texts up there that I consider conceptual/surreal writings. What inspired me to write them were my surroundings, the words are basically the environment I was in, strung together to make something. It's what I call impulse writing, you just write what you see, feel, hear, taste and smell, there are no thoughts involved, there are no mistakes, every word that is put down is meant to be there, there is no erasing and finding what goes better, you cannot manipulate the environment that way so don't do it with your writings. Its fun, and its nice to see what the end result is. Um check it out if you want, here is the link:

http://stormliterature.blogspot.com/

On other news, Isaac is giving me the shits, seriously what gives him the idea that I want him to be near me, I have done the complete opposite, I have hinted for him to fuck off, he comes in my room trying to chat to me, half the shit he says does not even make it into my ear to be tossed out the other. Then he brings up whether I am a rigid gay or a girly gay, some people are so ignorant. And I think it is terrible to tell someone that you expect the best from them, telling someone that you have extraordinary great expectations for them puts stress on them, stress I don't need, even though I don't care about anything he says. But despite the massive wanker, I have been pretty good, I have enjoyed the lifestyle I have been recently living, its a bit egocentric and now I have a better understanding on how these egocentric people live, its quite horrid in some aspects, if your able to be ignorant to everyone and everything other than yourself than it works but I just cant do that. Well I'm ready for my next change, it seems like its going to be very fun and exciting, I have sort of already put it into play and it has been working constantly. There is one person in particular whom I need to work this lifestyle into, its a very carefree, optimistic and positive in-tact vibes sort of lifestyle. Its exciting because it eradicates the SSDD outlook and creates a new and adventurous outlook.

Sometimes I dont think before I type and I end up typing a heap of shit /\ /\ =]

Pain is what we aim for (Draft from 9/6)

I define pain as an unpleasant feeling, it may cause discomfort and at most times it may be un-wanted. I say most times because sometimes people self inflict pain, but thats not what I am trying to get at. I think the title was to intend that I am in some sort of pain, well I think everyone is in pain all the time but theyre too busy to realise. Shit I had a point in starting this post, (this is an older post that I found saved as a draft, at this point I have no idea what I was on about so I will continue with some crap) fuck pain. Five years can really change someone, I look at these year seven kids and think that I used to be like them, not really though because I could actually spell Australia, but in a sense I was like them, I was small, naive, ignorant and stupid. Above all I think I was mean, I was the skinny kid that couldn't physically :

This was an old post that I forgot about, it seals that I found it once and forgot to finish it again and went on about something totally unrelated to the original post, now I will never know what I was on about

Sky high

My life is far from miserable, I consider my life quite lucky in comparison to others, in a way. Actually if i compared my life to the billions of people living in poverty, my life is fucking perfect, so it shits me how people can be so hating of their own lives when they are so privileged, seriously there are people that go days without food, children being abused and disfigured and yet people complain about how much they hate their life over stupid insignificant things.

Argh too much negativity, would it be okay if I took your breath away..

I love A Day To Remember! You had me at hello. Lol trying to type but keep typing lyrics, I'm pretty happy right now, the next week looks bright for me, despite the fact that I am moving once again but it's nothing I cant handle. As long as I can make it through this week of school everything should be sweet, the weekend looks good, have somethings to look forward to =]

I got a new art diary, again, I have a habit of starting things and leaving them unfinished, its something I have allways done, don't know why, probably laziness, but I don't like the concept that an artwork is finished. It worries me that I may not finish my body of work, oh well, you snooze you lose.

Which one would you get to back you up in a fight, Sailor Moon or the red Powerpuf Girl?

Fly or die?

From this point onwards, life for me can either hit an all time high, or an all time low, and if possible, the two could happen simultaneously, would that cancel out the high and low and leave me neutral? Anyways, I just heard some really terrible news, there may be a possibility that my brother is comming to live here, if this happens my life will go upside-down, everything has been going smoothly but if that is to happen I think I shall surely have a mental breakdown. On the flip side, I have had my hopes up for something, but it is a foolish act to raise your own hopes with no fall back, because if my hopes were to break then I would have quite a fall. But that's the risk I'm willing to take I supose, I just gotta work up the courage to do so.

Seriously, my brother added me on facebook and I ignored his request, so he sent it again, don't you get it, I would rather eat razor blades with my eyes!

So at this point I have got to take a chance, either fly or die, metaphoricly of course.

I have been quite lazy with my blog posts, I have been doing to much thinking and not enough keeping track of my thoughts. Je t'aime

iBen with a silent F

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone