Rolling in the deep

So my downward spiral of sanity seems to have reached it's depths, I tried to kill myself, I really wanted to die, and I cut my wrists, I always thought I had that little grip of sanity that wouldn't let me harm myself, turns out I don't have it anymore, whatever sanity I had fell apart with the rest of me. I didn't do anything to harmful, what I done was enough to take the thoughts away, and I see why people do it, they need that release, and it's sad. I don't want to do it, I didn't want to do it, but the way I was feeling was just sickening me. I'm not sure what will happen to me next, I don't know, all I know is that I've got a lot of things to think about, such as my life, where do I want it to go, who do I want in it, and what is going to be best for me.


- iBen =]x

Unexpected..

I didn't think it would actually come to that conclusion, I really didn't want it to. I know I have my problems, and I thought that if I could work them out then things would go back to how it was. I don't think I can just see him as a friend, I just wish we were still together, just not so serious. I think that would work, I think if we stayed in a relationship and I stop seeing things so serious then we will be lots more happier. I mean, I'm going to have to stop being so serious if were going to stay as friends, so why not stay together? Its not that I didn't trust him, I never thought he would cheat on me, I just thought that he might have been curious about a single life, and I was trying to understand that thought, and god I'm an idiot, its not fair, when I have these thoughts, its so hard to explain it though. I want to be with him, I want him to still see me as that special person, even though it may not be love, because I see him as that special person. I want to have him hold me as we fall asleep, I want to be the one that gives him a back massage and kiss him goodnight, will we have that anymore? I don't know, can't we be like a basic couple? Together, but not so attached, like I wont see him 24/7, but we will still see each other, I don't think I even want what I was feeling, it seems like love was causing me too much stress, I think now that I know that I'm not insane I feel a lot more confident in us. Its just, is it too late? We've already said we will help each other through it, is there any chance that he would want what I want? To be together, but just dulled down? I can't live without him in my life, and I think that he needs me in his too, its all happened too fast, I need to see him soon, that will be good for us, we can work out whats really going on. I miss him so..

=/

okay so i might have feel compelled to blog.. wtf, i'll talk about it tomorrow, i dont even know why i made this post, i just felt like i needed to write something down and when i started writing i remebered that its the exact same as blogging, just a different media, and thats when i thought id make this post. shit.. i could just press save now and not post it.

Roar!

So with nothing to do, no one to talk to, I have decided I'm going to go back to the old ways, I'm going to write. This is exactly what I've needed and been looking for, some time of just me, solitude. It is perfect for me right now, I need to get down to the bone and find out what I really want to do with myself.

Confused

So I need to know if he wants to see other people, because I feel like he would rather spend time seeing someone else, I base that off the fact that I haven't seen him in a week, I've asked him to come over everyday for the past week, too which he declined because he was either sick, in pain or it was too late to come over, but if he really wanted to see me he would have asked me to come over. He doesn't message me, I'm always the one to start a conversation or make an effort to talk to him, If I don't message him I'll go all day without hearing from him until the evening when I really want to talk to him and finally message him. The only reason for not talking to me but making an effort to talk to other guys would be because he doesn't want to talk to me, I need to know why.

Right now I feel like I'm in between a stable relationship and a pretty harsh breakup, I really feel as though he doesn't want to be with me anymore, and its pretty understandable that I should feel that way considering what he has said to me and how he is acting toward me, its just if its true I'd rather him hurry up and let me know, and if not, which I hope not, then I need a pretty good excuse as to whats happening between us, like why is he talking to other guys and telling them that he is single, and why hasn't he made some effort to spend some time with me. The worst thing though would be for him to lie about it all, if he wants a breakup and doesn't tell me, I'm going to find out later and it will only be more hurtful, I already feel used when he lied about telling guys about me, that is still really hurtful and I really need to know why he would do such a thing. Like what is he thinking when he does it, it makes me feel like my love is worth jack shit, like everything I have done for him means nothing to him, am I that meaningless to him?

=/

It's so sad hearing the cries of someone that wants you, you want to be there for them and just hold them, tell them that it's all going to be okay, just hold them until they fall asleep. I may be looking too deep into this analogy, my mum bought my younger brother a puppy, with the catch that she stays here, in order to get him to spend more time over here, slowly making him comfortable with living here while slowly giving me the hint to find somewhere else. It's annoying that she didn't care to think that a puppy being here is going to affect the two of us, I don't really want to be on puppy control, as cute and loving as she is, I can see myself loving this adorable little thing and then having to tear myself away from her when I get the boot. I felt so sad tonight, I went to go to bed to put my phone on charge, for the hope that dean would message me or at least talk to me on facebook, I really need to talk to him, but I knew that I've already waited till 11 o'clock, and I knew there was probably no chance that he would, I still wanted too, I have too much hope that he will. As I went to leave though, the puppy whined and whined, and I felt so bad, that this poor little dog was being left alone, when all she wanted was to spend some time with me, and I was going to deny that to her so I could hope that dean would talk to me. So I went back to her, sat her on my chest as I laid on the couch watching skins on sbs, she fell asleep in an instant, it was amazing. That's all I've ever wanted, someone that can hold me in their arms as I fall asleep, dean used to do that for me, I don't know whats changed. I know it must sound stupid that I'm relating everything back to him, but when one person means the world to you, then everything in the world can be brought back to them, like these quilts, dean loves this huge big quilt, it's amazing, but it works so much better when there are two of us, it gets mangled up and ends up sideways when it's just me, and my pillows, I use the dark brown and he uses the light brown, I keep the light brown one right next too mine, just knowing that's his spot, that's where he lays his head when he's here, it's comforting. I just wish he could see how I feel about this, I wish he could understand how much he means to me, and I just want to feel like I'm wanted, like he wants to be here with me.


- iBen =]x

Why bother

I don't see what the point is, when the person you love most pushes you away. I'm not a boastful person, but I do think I'm a pretty good boyfriend, I mean I do nice things for him, get him nice stuff, I'm always trying to make him happy, and yet he tells people he's single. Its really hurtful, knowing that he's told people that, when he said to my face that he tells them about me, how am I supposed to feel about that, I feel used, and it hurts, because I love him so much, and I've been giving him the benefit of the doubt, and I'm still trying, I just need to hear it from him.

- iBen =]x

This is the worst pain

Out of all the pains in my life, this is by far the worst. I was so happy, the happiest I had ever been, and what hurts the most is to know that happiness was based on lies. I loved him, and I still love him, with all my heart, and given the circumstances, he loved me too. I don't know what hurts more, that fact that he said he loved me when he didn't mean it, or that's he never had those feelings for me since the beginning. Imagine having someone who means the world to you, that you would do anything to make them happy, you would take a bullet for them, you'd die for them, and then imagine having that person tell you that they're not sure if they love you, that there is nothing significant that makes me different from anyone else, that the only difference between me and his best friend is that he doesn't sleep with chick. It's hurtful, to have your whole world crushing down on you, to feel replaceable, especially by the person you love the most. And then to have him say that I should find someone else, someone that can love me back, I don't want anyone else, I want him, and it hurts so much. He doesn't understand that you can't just stop loving someone, it's like asking him to stop loving his mother, could he? Does he even have a concept of love for her? If he can't love his partner can he even love his family? It scares me, I can't leave him, but I can't deal with the feeling of not being loved. I love you is not just three words, they hold sentimental value, yea people say it when they love ice cream or love their friend for doing something stupid, but when you have a partner, and you have that strong feeling for them, you say it and you mean it. It would be a lot more easier if we spoke Greek, they have several words for the concept of love, four main ones, one for brotherly love with a friend, one for love between family, namely a mother and offspring, Eros for sensual love within a relationship and for the love of someones inner beauty, and Agape the unconditional love, when you love someone with all your heart, when they mean everything to you an you would do anything for them. Those last two are what I feel for Dean, and its something he doesn't seem to understand, that when you have that love for someone, it is so hard and almost impossible to stop that feeling, its not something that you switch on or off, it's something that happens.


- iBen =]x

Well

I hate this feeling


- iBen =]x

Best Day Of My Life

I found a bag containing school books from year 6, and I was reading through one of them, laughing at all the stupid things I came up with and how much I have changed and whats stayed the same, I found a title, 'The Best Day Of My Life' but under neath it was blank. I was a bit confused and sad, I tend to have bad memory when I look back at my childhood, and reading things like my school life timeline in those books was fun and insightful because it reminded me of what happened, but seeing that I left the best day of my life blank confused me, what is the best day of my life? Back then it was 2004 so I would have probably said year 6 camp, but I don't think that had happened yet, otherwise I would have written it, but I haven't really had any days that had held a significant event, each day was the same really, we might go to sydney or the leisure centre every once in a while but it wasn't the best day of my life, it makes me wonder what other people would answer this question with..

But I ask myself the same question today, and I look back at each year, they all got better as I got older, but they also got worse, year 7 was so fun, but my problems at home were just starting out, year 11 was amazing, I came out and it made me so happy, but it was when my depression sunk in and I found myself trying to kill myself, but the past year has been the best year of my life, meeting Dean was the best thing that has happened to me, but I don't think that would be the best day of my life. If I had to put it down to one day, it would be the day that Dean and I were in Newtown, and I took him into the city to go to the Chinese Gardens, we caught a ferry, walked over the Sydney Harbour Bridge, went to China-town and walked back to Newtown. I didn't care how much money I spent that day, I just wanted to make it as perfect as I could, and seeing him smile all day was amazing it made me so happy, knowing that it was just us.

The biggest problem with my anxiety is that I worry that I can't give Dean what he wants, that I can't afford to take him to amazing places, like Hugh can pay for him to go to Thailand including spending money, and he loves Thailand, but the best I could do was take him to Chinese Garden's, it worries me, but that day was the best day of my life because I felt so, confident I suppose, that I don't need to worry about stuff like that, because I can make him happy. Still, the fact that he hasn't made an effort to see me yet alone talk to me the past couple of days doesn't help at all, that I am always the one that starts the conversation, makes the offer to come over, it just makes me feel like he doesn't want to see me. The worst part is that he uses the excuse that its his mums rules that he can't stay the night, when he used to stay over several nights a week before his mum found out, and even after she found out he would still spend a few nights over, and on top of that, his little brother is staying over a girls house 2 nights in a row and his mum isn't bothered the slightest bit. It's just that if you love someone, you make an effort for them, great now mums called up and ditching me to go to the movies tonight.. I asked Dean yesterday if he would ask his mum if he can stay here tonight and watch movies tonight, he said he will ask so I'm hopeful, except I asked him today if he was going to, and he hasn't given me an answer, still hopeful.

I just wish thing were how it used to be

Insomniac

Can't sleep, I'm lying in bed, it's 4:33, I'm not actually an insomniac, its just I like the word, and also because I thought of it as I was wondering why I couldn't get to sleep. I'm lying here, and all I can think about is this situation where I find myself running as fast as I can, but not actually moving from where I am, and then this arm comes out from nowhere and pulls me back from behind and throws me down to the ground, but once I hit the ground I spring back onto my feet and begin running again, only to find myself making no progress and being pulled back and thrown to the ground yet again. It's a stupid cycle that just keeps playing in my head, it was funny at first but now its just annoying, I'm freaking tired.

And thank you so much Pat, your message made me so happy, it made my day, thank you, you are so freaking amazing, I'm looking forward to see you getting back into your blog.


- iBen =]x

Scratch that

Whenever I used to think about suicide I would hat myself for thinking about it, except this time was different, when I had a handful of pills and ready to down them willingly was when I realized, that I was accepting suicide, that I actually thought this was a normal thought, that's pretty much when I accepted that I'm more fucked then I thought, I wasn't trying to escape my thoughts, if I was then I would have been scared to do it, I was giving in to it, and fuck that, I may be fucked in the head but I am not a fucking push over. No fucking way am I a push over. Also I can move again, I'm almost at home, after an eventful adventure, but it was constructive, I actually feel like I'm closer to getting better.


- iBen =]x

Fuck

I wish I could stop thinking. I can't handle the thoughts anymore. I pulled the knife on myself again, all the stress from yesterday is sending me insane, I'm freaking out, and he doesn't seem to realize, how naive. It's a bit annoying that the only time I see him is if I make the effort to go see him, yet he will stay home to play the sims than come over an spend some time with me. Yea I get it, were with each other all the time, but were not, when were there, were not together, it's not the same, it's like he's not my boyfriend, and it hurts. I can't even walk, I'm stuck in this field wondering who is going to come and save me this time, how can I save myself if I'm my own worst enemy. I hate these kids, so ignorant as to what they're growing into.

I'm ready for death, I've been prepared for it for a long time. I'm scared as hell, it took me long enough to accept that love was worth having even though I could die soon. I don't even know what I'm thinking anymore, these words make 'no fucking sense to me, I hate reality, I fucking hate it, I can't move an I feel sick, I just want it all to end, it's not anyones fault, I wasn't abused, I wasn't brought up wrong, I wasn't treated bad by anyone, I just want to shut out the thoughts


- iBen =]x

Ugh

It's getting quite annoying, not to mention hurtful, being ignored and then the intentional making me feel bad, it's really not fair. It's so annoying putting in so much love, trying to make him happy and doing the best I can for him even though he will ignore me. I can't stand these mind games, the acting like somethings wrong but saying it's nothing, is it so hard to say what's wrong? I'd prefer to know what's wrong then to be left in the dark and guess as to what the problem is, did I do something wrong? I love him enough that I would do anything for him, if he is going through a tough time then I'll definitely be there for him, as I have these past couple days, but I still don't know what's going on, that might be his way of dealing with it so I perceiver, would he do the same? It doesn't matter to me really, I do it because I love him, and I do believe that he loves me to, although be doesn't show it, even to the point that he doesn't like me showing it, I don't know what he's afraid of.

I'm not feeling right, in my head, I know it, he knows it, but he still does try to make me feel bad for his amusement, and it's getting pretty hard to deal with, am I foolish. I do get depressed, I tend to think extremely negative, sometimes I do have the thought that I hate myself, it's hard to deal with, but it's better then what I used to think about. It's hard to get better, it really is, when our head is constantly telling you that there is no point, but I do fight it. I feel as though my mind is my enemy, that there is something in there that doesn't want me to be happy, and since the thoughts of suicide have gone, the worst thoughts I have are that he doesn't love me, and I hate myself for it. The thought crosses my mind quite often, and every time it does I hate myself even more for thinking it. I find the concept insane, I can't quite explain it to people, it's like there is this thought that just wants me to fall and go back to how I was, and it is so freaking hard to ignore. The only reason I really have to fight it and be happy is so that I can be happy with dean, I'd imagine people would think that is stupid, but he is the only person that actually makes me feel like it's worth it, even though I get a bit annoyed and hurt from how he can be at times, the way I see it is that he is worth it, over and over. And now I feel selfish, I feel like I am putting him in a position where if he leaves me then I will fall apart, and that's not my intention at all, its like there's a cycle with these thoughts, every time I feel progressive it just finds a way to make me feel bad.

I don't think I'm selfish though, I like to put his happiness before mine, well I try to, I don't find happiness as satisfying from buying something for myself or treating myself with something nice, of I could take dean out to the movies or buy myself a Roger David jacket I'd take the movies in a heartbeat, that's just how I am, I love him, and it also makes me happy when I can make him happy. Now I feel as though I'm rambling, I feel better now though, I do love him, and if he wants time without me and to see other people then I can accept that, it's just it would put my mind at so much more ease if he would tell me that he would prefer to go see someone by himself or have some time to himself, I suppose that sounds reasonable. Actually I'm not really rambling at all, it's your choice to read this or not, it's not like I'm writing a book for a targeted audience, I don't really need to please anyone on here, as rude as that sounds.

Anyways, that is all, it's been good to blog again after so long.

- iBen =]x

What a day

Heyy mum, I've been suffering from depression for the past 2 years, Happy mothers day


- iBen =]x

30 Day Song Challenge - Day 12: Jonas Brothers - SOS

A song from a band you hate, I have no comments, I still haven't heard this song, I just hate Jonas Brothers, I feel a high level of shame putting this on my blog, but it must be done.

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 3: A picture of the cast from your favorite show

30 Day Song Challenge - Day 11: Red Hot Chili Peppers - Zephyr Song

A song from your favourite band, and I think it is fair to say that they are my favourite band, I chose this song though because it is quite a moderate song of theirs, its not deep into they're sad songs, or high up there in their up beat songs, nor does it get its funk on like quite a few of them do. Plus the video clip is awesome.

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 2: A photo of you and the person you have been closest with the longest

Minus the guy in the blue shirt, the other two are Brown and Jason, Jason has been my best friend from around year 8 till 11 or so and we still remain close friends. Brown was one of my closest friends for quite sometime, but we have drifted our separate ways.

The Catcher in the Rye

Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody

30 Day Song Challenge - Day 10: Angus and Julia Stone - The Devil's Tears

A song that makes you fall asleep, I love Angus and Julia Stone, I first heard them on Chillout Sessions 10 I believe, The Beast, and I was captivated by their mellow and chilled out sound. I can't remember when I first heard this song, but it is a great song to listen to when resting in bed trying to sleep, I have a 'Sleepytime' playlist on my iPhone with this on it, and it really ties all the songs together, I love it.

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 1: A picture of yourself with 10 facts

1. This is me

2. This photo was edited with Aperture

3. I love tea, I am currently finishing a cup now

4. I am so bored

5. I'm listening to Panic at the Disco, because they're freaking awesome, favourite song by them at the moment is Camisado

6. I love music, a lot of different music, the past couple of years a have been quite indie music orientated

7. I love pokemon

8. I never seem to finish anything I start, so don't be surprised if I don't complete the 30 Day Challenge

9. One of my favourite characters from a book is Holden from J. D. Salinger's The Catcher in the Rye, mainly because I can relate to him and the situation he is in

10. I love my boyfriend

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/iBen92

what is your fav past time?

if i'm alone it would be lying on my bed listening to music, I might draw if im in the mood =]

If you have a question, here is the place to ask it. Except if it's about those cheezles, it was empty when I got there.

30 Day Song Challenge - Day 9: Faker - Hurricane

A song that you can dance to, this is definitely it. It is such an energetic song, it is actually my cooking song, yea thats right, I listen to Faker while I cook, because its so groovy, and theres no other way to cook but groovy. I forget when I first heard it, but I know that every time it comes on I just wanna get up and dance.

30 Day Song Challenge - Day 8: The Presets - If I Know You

A song that you know all the words to, hell there are thousands of songs I know all the words to, this was incredibly hard to choose just one song, I managed to narrow it down to five songs, and then I ended up choosing a totally different song. The Presets in general are amazing, and this song is a masterpiece, it is open to various interpretation and I love how relevant it is to me. So why choose this song instead of something more mainstream or 'appealing', because I don't only know the lyrics to the song, but I know the lyrics, if that makes sense, and they appeal to me more than just a song.

The film clip, directed by Eva Husson, was done so brilliant, I remember seeing the film clip for the first time after hearing it and it just made me appreciate the song even more. How they distance themselves from everyday reality and enter their own world, ignorant to the fact that they are still physically attached to the real world. I see it as an expression of freedom, and I love expression of freedom, I love being able to feel free expressing myself in the real world, and not be judged for it, well, not care that I am judged for it, I just love the feeling of not having to contain myself in order to 'keep the peace' in society, and thats what this song does for me.

30 Day Song Challenge - Day 7: Jimmy Eat World - Sweetness

A song that reminds you of a certain event, Soundwave 2010! It was so freaking amazing, when I heard My Chem pulled out I was quite annoyed, but then when they filled the gap with Jimmy I was so excited! I remember the build up to Soundwave, thinking 'holy crap I'm going to see Jimmy, and I freaking hope they play Sweetness'. I was hoping for it, but then I started to doubt that they would, because they would probably play all their newer songs, and I was getting so anxious because I wanted to hear it so badly, but I wouldn't be able to stay for their full set because I needed to get to A Day To Remember. Then there I was, at the front of the barrier, a couple meters away from the stage, and they came out screaming, 'Are you listening, Woah-oh-oh-oh-oh' and I just lost my shit. It was one of the best moments of my life.

30 Day Song Challenge - Day 6: Josh Pyke - The Summer

A song that reminds you of somewhere, firstly I'd like to say that this song is too unappreciated, well actually no, its just not noticed as much as it deserves to be, it is actually much appreciated by the people that have noticed it. I can't remember when I first heard it, but I got the song on The Chillout Sessions XII, where I find so many amazing songs.

Okay so it is a song that reminds me of somewhere, and it does, but somewhere I haven't physically been. It's an imaginary destination, and every time I hear the song I'm just taken back there, I see myself lying in a pile of big, brown leafs that have fallen of the trees, and looking up I can see the bright sun navigating its way through the many branches of the trees, and the clear blue sky creates such a calm and mellow environment, I feel safe and that nothing can get to me here, there is no worry, no drama, just bliss. I came close to finding an actual place that I can compare to the one in my head, I don't want to disclose its location though, it's my own special place, but in reality, it is no comparison to the one in my head.

30 Day Song Challenge - Day 5: Boys Like Girls - Hero/Heroine

A song that reminds you of someone, okay so I missed another day, only because I'd rather spend the day with my boyfriend rather than sitting on the computer, even though thats pretty much what he did =] Hero/Heroine, I was first introduced to the song a few years ago by one of my best friends Brown, it was love at first listen, it is just such an amazing song, the combination of the music and his voice is just awesome.

The song used to remind me of Brown, because he introduced it to me, but it reminds me of Dean, because as cheesy as it may sound I like to think of him as my hero, "gay much" 'shut up'. I made it his personal ringtone on my phone.

30 Day Song Challenge - Day 4: Gary Jules - Madworld

A song that makes you sad, so really I should be on day 6, but I had some dramas going on the past two days so I have had to go without. Madworld is an amazing song, composed and performed perfectly, the lyrics really touch home. I first heard the song on my Ministry of Sounds: The Chillout Session - Summer Collection 2004, I was 11/12. It is a sad song, it usually comes on while I go to sleep, and I just think about what the lyrics actually talk about, and its scary.

The film clip was directed by Michel Gondry, and it is freaking amazing, I absolutely love it. The symbolism of ignorance with the kids playing below, while he is looking down upon them with knowledge that its not all fun and games for all the kids, as much as they may think it is, they're ignorant to everyones problems, they have no idea of the problems that they're fellow peers are having, they're just caught up in having fun, as kids do.

This is a version I found a few years ago, it is a rap artist interpretation of the song, I know a lot of people aren't too impressed with rap but I really found it insightful. Its quite a literal step beyond the original song, it doesn't so much focus on the original songs point of the children's problems, but more so how the song has affected him and challenged him to question his life.

Sick

I've never been good enough, no matter how much I tried, I was never good enough, which is why after time I just started to not care. Imagine having to scrape pills out of your mothers mouth because she over dosed when you were 12, and everyone said that I had to take care of mum, I had to help her in every way, and I did, I know I did because everyone said I did, they still say it 'you used to always help her,' what made me stop? Maybe it was the numerous other suicide attempts that took plays in the following years, I specifically remember when she took off in 2008, sent everyone suicide messages, I remember everyone was flipping shit, they were crying, stressing, and I was there, trying not to let it bother me and continue washing the dishes like mum would have wanted. It was all a lie, no matter what I did to help her, it wouldn't make a difference, she still went down the dark road, so how was I supposed to feel, I felt like I wasn't good enough, like I have failed her.

What made things worse for me was when I came down with depression, I had to focus on myself to make me happy, its so hard to be happy when you feel like you're failing the person you love. She is sitting down stairs now, chatting away to her friends for support and sympathy while I'm up her alone in tears, I have no one to talk to about this, I'm messaging Dean now, but how am I supposed to tell the person I love so much that at times it is hard for me to have the will to live, its not his fault, its no ones fault, its not my fault, I'm just fucked, and theres nothing anyone can do for me, I can't see my fucking psychologist because she will give me some fucking burnt red tree ash or some hippie crap. I've been dealing with it great, but she just brings me down, I can't stay mentally healthy while I'm with her, we are no good for each other, tonight I put a blade to my skin, I just burst out in tears, there is so much hope for me, others would have made the cut, I'm still sane.

30 Day Song Challenge - Day 3: Cee Lo Green - Fuck You

A song that makes you happy, I remember when I first heard this song last year on Triple J and was just so amazed by it, I loved it. When ever I heard that opening tune I just smiled and knew that this was going to be fun, it is just such an energetic song. I find it saying something along the lines of 'Bitch you screwed me around and you think I'm gonna be all broken up about it, but na, fuck you, I'm gonna have a blast.' He's just got such an amazing and emotional voice, I love it.

It is such an amzing song, until like 6 months after it coming out on Triple J, commercial radio took hold of it and it was known by everyone as 'Forget You.' No! Just no, it is Fuck You, stupid corporate puppets listening to commercial radio.

30 Day Song Challenge - Day 2: Rebecca Black - Friday

Least favourite song, I felt dirty for just going to the YouTube site to link it. I don't understand how this could even be classed as a song, it is just that freaking horrific, but heres the video people, (don't judge me)

I am quite happy that the general public also follow suite in disliking this song, 232,274 likes, compared to 1,811,839 dislike s. We can all thank Trizzy for releasing Rebecca Black into the world along with his legion of minion YouTube stars to be.

What I made me dislike this song, and Rebecca Black even more was this video, where she actually tried to explain to the world that behind the crappy lyrics, and monotoned voice there are some very political references layered throughout the song, which is absolutely garbage and just further demonstrates how much of a corporate puppet she is.

I really hope that she doesn't actually believe anything that she said in this video, the song should be banned from the internet realm. Oh yea, because 'gotta have my cereal' is really a metaphor for peoples mortgages, no I think it is quite the literal thing being that you have breakfast in the morning because thats what you do when you wake up, you eat, and you, you really annoy me.

And that, is day 2.

30 Day Song Challenge - Day 1: Don Diablo ft. Dragonette - Animale

is starting the 30 Day Song Challenge with Animale - Don Diablo ft. Dragonette. I first saw it on rage a couple weeks back, and absolutely loved it, the film clip is just as amazing as the song.

I love how the insightful and witty the film clip is, just purely amazing

Who's your favorite musician?

wow, very difficult question. since i can't come up with a good enough answer, i'll just say the top 5 artists most played in my iTunes:
- Florence and the Machine
- SIA
- The Kooks
- Angus and Julia Stone
- Missy Higgins
...
wtf? okay so I just remembered that my play counts reset and I've just been listening to a genius playlist on repeat, none of those are my favourite musicians, unfortunately, you don't get an answer

If you have a question, here is the place to ask it. Except if it's about those cheezles, it was empty when I got there.

Vlog?

Okay so I am getting pretty interested in the consumption of information via the digital realm, Twitter, Facebook, Blogger, Formspring, YouTube and all that jazz, and I have decided I want my piece of it. I haven't blogged in so bloody long, mainly because it is so time consuming, so I have decided that I will start using a low maintenance yet wide audience method, Twitter. Eventually down the track I'll move on to video blogging, no one likes to read anymore, why read when you can hear. I guess this is a little social experiment I am conducting, but I am just so fascinated as to how a no body can become a somebody from literally living their life and posting packets of information into the world wide web.

Like my new wallpaper?

holy crap your wallpaper is awesome!! I was considering steeling it for my msn picture

If you have a question, here is the place to ask it. Except if it's about those cheezles, it was empty when I got there.

I sometimes cry because my ex left me a year ago, and i was to deeply in love. It makes me so mad/upset. sometimes when driving i fell the urge to pull on one side of the seering wheel so it can stop me thinking about it. I hate it. I love her so much :'(

Okay well you have a problem and you should look into that

If you have a question, here is the place to ask it. Except if it's about those cheezles, it was empty when I got there.

Does size matter? lol

Yes it does, we are told all the time that 10cm rulers are useless to us because we usually work with with A4 paper and the ruler simply Isn't long enough, but you can't go all out and get a 40cm one because then it won't fit in your pencil case. So I recommend a 30cm metal ruler, that way it fits in your pencil case and it wont snap

If you have a question, here is the place to ask it. Except if it's about those cheezles, it was empty when I got there.

So if there is someone you could date.. ticks all the boxes, nothing wrong with him/her at all. but there is an age up,is there an issue? what's your opinion? Does the fact that they are older/younger change their date-ability? what age gap is then?

To me yes, I wouldn't want to be with someone too old and I most definitely wouldn't want someone too young. It's not so much their age but how I can connect with them, and I can connect a hell of a lot better with someone around my own age bracket

If you have a question, here is the place to ask it. Except if it's about those cheezles, it was empty when I got there.

What's your favourite sex position?

You're a sex position

If you have a question, here is the place to ask it. Except if it's about those cheezles, it was empty when I got there.

What did you get for xmas?

Crack!

If you have a question, here is the place to ask it. Except if it's about those cheezles, it was empty when I got there.

best pick-up line... ever? (used on you and by you)?????

Would you like some crack?

If you have a question, here is the place to ask it. Except if it's about those cheezles, it was empty when I got there.

What's your New Year resolution?

Crack?

If you have a question, here is the place to ask it. Except if it's about those cheezles, it was empty when I got there.

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/iBen92

Dazed

It's been too long since I have last blogged, I'm not in the mood to fill in the gaps right now so I will just start with last night. Some how I predicted that Deans mum would want me to stop seeing him, it was just a thought I had while I was at home messaging him, I thought it was stupid but I thought it might happen. After I picked him up so we could go to mine to watch skins he informed me of the talk he had with his mum, about spending less time with me and that we should spend more time with our family. I thought it was stupid, whenever I message Dean when I'm not there he's either on the computer playing games or in his room listening to music, reading or playing the playstation, well occasionally he is watching movies with his mum. I might have taken it the wrong way but I felt like she doesn't want me around. So I was offended and annoyed, I was a bit annoyed at Dean as well, mum has tried restricting me from seeing Dean quite a bit, not because she doesn't like him, for example when I was doing my HSC, she didn't want me seeing him, told me I was only allowed to see him once a week, but I ended up seeing him everyday of the week, and then this year she tried to make me spend time with family by making me stay home Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays, I tried it for a week and realized how crappy family time was, all that ended up happening was mum and I arguing and fighting. When it comes to seeing who I want, it's my decision, not mums, and I was annoyed that last night Deans mum said he could watch skins at mine, but he had to be home before 12, what's the point, everyone is going to be asleep, what difference would it have made if he slept over? It annoyed me that the reasoning to cut down on seeing me was because of family but last night had nothing to do with family, and that Dean was still going through with going home at 12, if it was his choice to go home then that would be different, but it's just like he is following stupid orders, and it annoyed me, that I can act on my own wants but he was listening to what his mum wanted him to do, I don't know maybe I'm looking to far into it, I just think it's so stupid.


- iBen =]x