I'm Back

It has been to long since I have last blogged, I haven’t had any internet for over a week which meant no facebook, no twitter, no msn and no blogging. The no social networking has been pretty good actually, I attained a greater appreciation for reality, taking in every little detail and microsecond of life and acknowledging its existence and relevance to my life. Seriously, when I had internet I was literally face down for half the day, looking for recent news within the cyber reality I became part of.

I don’t know if I am feeling like this because I am here or because I am away from Dean, I feel a little angry, agitated, annoyed, lonely and sad. I can understand that I feel angry and annoyed with being home with mum, she doesn’t seem to understand that I have been pretty stressed with my HSC, and yea, staying at Dean’s has been very stress relieving. I can’t relax when I am at home, just right now I feel really pissed off. I don’t know, I’m feeling a little down, I was reading some old stuff I wrote, before I blogged I would keep a virtual diary on my computer, only I saw them and only I know what they say. Some of them were pretty sad, and now it seams I have slipped a little into that area again, it doesn’t help when I am around my mother whom constantly brings me down with “you’ll never survive in the real world” crap, I cant wait till I move out. I have noticed a little bit of temperamental mood swings lately, when I am with Dean or friends I am happy, but when I come home I feel tense and a little angry and short tempered. Sometimes I can jump to conclusions but I am just saying that bi-polar could be a possibility, after all it does run in the family, but its most likely just hormones and crap, like mums menopausal mood swings and my teenage boy hormone crap just don’t mix. She can really piss me off sometimes though, I am the only one of her kids that actually helps her and she still has the nerve to call me unappreciative, I know why she always brings me down about not surviving in the real world every time I bring up moving out, she needs me. She wouldn’t be able to cope without me, so she brings me down so I feel as though I can’t survive and so I have to stay with her, fuck that, who does that, bring their own child down for their own benefit. I don’t know anymore, I think I should just go to sleep before my mind conjures up some other bizarre thought.

I am the devil boy

So I am Ben, and you people that are reading are reading my 70th post, I'm pretty stoked that I have been this commuted to a cause. So there are blogs out there with hundreds of followers, and that's amazing, people are obviously interested in what they have to say, I have 10, and I feel that that is a successful number for me, I don't aim on preaching to a wide audience, all I want in life is to be recognized and remembered, that has been my goal since a young child. So with that being said, I shall commence my thoughts and issues that have been bothering me over the last day or two.

Okay so Dean didn't end up going to lunch with his ex girlfriend yesterday, I think he wants to bring me with him. I know he would t have told her about being with me and being gay, who knows, maybe he is bisexual and still has feelings for her, then I don't know what I would do, how can you be with someone that can't love you to the extent that oh love them, but I feel that that isn't the case. I'm sure he is just fearful of reaction, he's not as lucky as I was, to be able to not care about repercussions and reactions. He does say he doesn't want to crush her, but I think that is just a way for him to stall, but I have said that j would never preside him into coming out so I did back of with telling him to tell her, although he did end up telling her that he was in a difficult situation. Maybe this weekend or something, he might ask me to go out for lunch with him and his ex, it would ease my mind knowing that the situation is being dealt with. Last night I asked him if he would move out with me, and I thought about when his ex would message him something like that and he would either not reply or use the excuse that he needs a proper job. So after I sent the message I expected either no reply or a no, which I told him was all hypothetical and that I wasn't suggesting anything yet. He replied with yes I would, and I was pretty happy, because I knew that it would take some time before it happened, I would have to finish school and find a job and he would need to find a job so it would take a few months but he said that he would be willing to wait that long and then move in together.

Speaking of moving out, I can not wait till I do. Mum has been annoying the hell out of me, she has a go at me for the stupidest things, if I mutter a word, bam, she starts yelling and throwing crap. What annoys me is the double standards, I have a party and the next day I clean up the place spotless, wipe down benches, vacuum, mop, wash dishes, spotless. She dropped a bottle of vinegar all over the kitchen floor over three days ago and it's still there, I haven't stepped foot in there because it's so gross. Enough of my whinging, my art work calls me.

Now they'll never find out

I've always told people how much I love this song, but not many (if any) people know what it's about. The Presets are simply amazing, one of them being gay influences their songs, this song in particular. It's called If I Know You, it's about this boy that had a relationship with another boy, but then he has a change in thought, he leaves his boyfriend and tries to hide his true self by dating a girl, he knows he doesn't like the girl but he feels that being who he is is wrong, so he lies. But love surpasses this barrier, his lover is still in love with him and knows that what he is doing is wrong, even though he stopped talking to him all together. What they had was so good, and how could he do this if what they were doing was so right. The point is listen to the song, the lyrics are amazingly insightful, and it has always been a situation on my mind that I thought would be so difficult on both sides, having such hate and doubt in who you are and being the partner that has had this done to them. I pray that what is happening with Dean and I will never come close to this. A couple of months ago Dean had a relationship with a girl, which I find somewhat reasonable yet odd, when I had girlfriends it was because I was trying to prove to myself I wasn't gay, but once I accepted I was then I stopped having any relationship along those lines with the opposite sex, that part I understand, but Dean accepted he was gay before I did, yet he still willingly had a relationship with her. They still talk regularly, and it was yesterday that really set things going. She sent him a message saying that she still liked him and that she thinks he probably has a girlfriend. He asked me what he should do, I told him to tell her, but no, I can't tell her, it'll crush her. Argh, it's crushing her slower by just leading her on, I tried telling him but no, it's different with her, he can't just tell her, so he replies with, no I don't have a girlfriend. Argh, I have an obligation to feel sorry for her, just a self obligation, but there is also the possibility that he is ashamed of who he is and wants to hide away, he said he want to be good friends with her but doesn't want to tell her or be with her. How about how I feel, like yea, it feels terrible, it's like you're a part of someone but they are ashamed of you. I don't think he intends it, but it feels like that, but I live him, and if I want to be with him I have to understand that he is going through a really tough stage, he is fearful of his families reaction, but he can still take my feelings into consideration. I think he sensed that I was upset, so he stopped showing me the messages and he sent a message and told me that he told her, now they're going out for lunch tomorrow, he asked me to come but I have school. I think he might have told her something, he may have wanted me there for support, it's so frustrating because this is a critical time for my studies but I love him. I don't know what else to say, I need to be there for him, but I have to let him know how I feel too.

It's too late to say you're sorry

I love Dean, I know I do, it seams all my thoughts somehow revolve around him or can be linked back to him. I used to think it was risky business falling in love, to much heartbreak, but that's a lack of faith thing, and I have faith in him and our relationship, I know he has strong feelings for me too, he's never said he loves me but neither have I, well face to face. Last night I sent one of those drunk messages to him because his phone was dead so he wouldn't have gotten it until we were both sober. It was pretty much me saying I love him and complaining that I never got to have a decent moment with him last night to tell him that I love him. Well it was mainly that but I also told him that I felt that I was invading and pushing my way into his life because I usually just turn up to his and stay the night. Am I not giving him enough space? I think I'm just over reacting to my own reactions, I feel that we don't act as a couple and then it freaks me that maybe we aren't acting like a couple, and then I think that maybe he doesn't want to be with me, but I over react, if he doesn't want to be with me then he wouldn't be there with me in the beginning. I'm worrying way to much, I should probably give him some space. Were always at his place and his mum and brother are there, if were not there then were with my friends doing something, we used to go to the spa on weekends, didn't this weekend because I had to clean the house and last weekend he was at his dads. We don't have enough alone time, I want to have just one on one so that we can just be, we won't have to hide from his family and he won't have to feel uncomfortable around my friends. Another thing, it's always my friends, I've met a few of his friends but only really know one and I only met her on three occasions, and he's already been to the snow with some of my friends for a couple of days. I don't know if he doesn't want me to meet them or if he doesn't want them to know about us or I don't know. There's this one friend of his that he keeps being temperamental with liking and disliking, and he keeps bringing him up and how he wanted Dean to go to Thailand with him in December and all this stuff and he's been very secretive about him. He said there's something about him but he'll tell me another time, then again it's probably just me thinking 'boyfriend talking to another guy' ah I don't want to be like that though but I'm still curious as to what the deal is with him. I don't want to be like 'no you can't talk to guys' because I still talk to this friend of mine. I trust him, and I know I wouldn't do anything to compromise things with him and I trust that he would feel the same. I think the message I sent him may have produced positive results, he just messaged me so yea.

My mum, as much as I love her, I just can't stand her lately. She's without a doubt going through menopause so she's moody as hell. I guess it's good for her that I'm living here, I'm the only one that has patience for her and can't tolerate her verbal and physical abuse. Physical abuse sounds to harsh, it's just throwing things and hitting, she's not bashing me, and it's good because I don't hit back, Isaac without a doubt would hit back and more, and my younger brother is being just as bad, I see so much of Isaac in him. No one has as much patience as I do, even if I do have to cop all the 'fucking idiot' 'selfish prick' 'inconsiderate bastard' I can deal with being mums punching bag, but yea, it's exhausting.

Overdose on love

Argh! Why must things be so difficult. I love him, I haven't told him but I find it hard to say, and then I think if i say it then it might become to easy to say and then it'll just be overused and lose meaning. I'm happy when I am with him, and it seams as though I become nasty when we are apart, I have felt snappy, short tempered and at times impatient with people, people mainly meaning my family, ie. mum and my younger brother. I think it would be best for me to probably stop staying at his place every night, all this week I have slept there with him and it's been great, I love it and I love being with him, but if it has come to a point where I am like this without him and I have pretty much become dependent on him for my happiness then it is time to slow down. I think I just need to spend some time at home, as much as I hate being here, I need to be able to function normally without him, not that I want to be without him, it's just that there will be times when I can't be with him and I need to know that I can be alright during those times. Argh listening to Angus and Julia Stone just makes me want to be with him even more.

An old friend messaged me yesterday, it was great to hear from him, I haven't seen him in months, I saw him a few times at his work early this year and every time I ran into him I had different coloured hair which he found fascinating. Lets say his name is N. I first found N on the GYC, we talked heaps and he was a really awesome guy. He was the first gay guy I met, he reminded me so much of one of my best friends Gavin, his attire, jeans and converses, and his personality, like when he messaged me he asked me to take over Guatemala with him and it reminded me of their likeness. Well yea he's a great guy and was very helpful and insightful, he was the first person I could confide in to help me accept who I am. So N messaged me yesterday and told me he was having a 'what does this all mean' situation that he needed help with, I told him I will do my best to help but he never told me the situation yet asked for an answer. I don't know if he wanted me to guess or assume the situation but I don't know, I feel a strong vibe coming from him and I think he may be having some problems and he needs someone to help him through.

One of my close friends was in hospital this week, he's been a long friend of mine and the news of what happened scared and saddened me. Blake's lung collapsed last Sunday night, I found out last night so I went and saw him today and was with him until he was sent home later in the evening. He was always a tall and slim guy, and the doctor said it usually happens to tall, slim people, but he also said that smoking, especially pot, increases the risk. He hasn't smoked since last weekend and plans to quit all together which I am very proud of, when we were kids, about 6 years ago (its funny how it seams so long ago yet the reality is that I have not traveled to far from my childhood) my mother gave four of my best friends a lecture making them promise not to let me smoke ever, these people were William, Keegan, Jeff and Blake, Blake has been the only one that looked out for me and made sure I never smoked, yes I am not perfect, I did smoke, cigarettes and marijuana, do i regret it, no, was it stupid, yes. My lungs have always been damaged and under-functional from pneumonia from an infant and two years ago, so I knew that smoking was the worst idea for me, but I did it, I wanted to try it, I am foolish and was only driven by the want to try something I knew would be harmful to me. Blake however never allowed me to smoke and wouldn't allow anyone to let me smoke, that's what I call a true friend, even though my foolish self wanted to, he did what he knew was best for me, not what I wanted, and that is what a true friend does. I believe in paying it forward, now that Blake has given up on smoking, I feel the responsibility to look out for my friends health and safety, it's so selfish for me to be treated with such respect and care from a friend if I don't deal the same respect and care back to them. My friend Brown wants to bring some weed to my party and I told him that I'm not going to let him smoke it, I don't want him smoking it in general, I told him he has a problem if he cant go the night without it, yet he says he can do without it he just chooses to do with it, which to me is saying 'I'm dependent on it'. Anyway, Blake being in hospital scared me, I was worried and still am for him, and it has changed my passive attitude towards my friends doing potentially harmful things.

I felt the title was relevant, I feel a sense of overdose on love, I love Dean, I love being with him, I love how helpful and willing strangers can be, I love how strangers can turn into memorable and close friends, I love how close friends really care, I love my friends and I love how I have so many issues right now that play with my love.

Just a boy

It's been a while since my last post, since then I have been both happy within myself but also disappointed with an action I have made. I shouldn't have done it, even though it may have needed to be done, it was on behalf of those that wouldn't, but still I shouldn't have. Doing so only contradicted myself, and for that I am somewhat disappointed in myself, I have no regret in what I did, it's just that I shouldn't have let it annoy me to the point that I had to do it. Now airbrush aside I shall move on.

I thought I hade a post for August, obviously not, I remember I was at Dean's at the turn of month because he gave me a pinch and a punch.. It weird not being with him, he went to visit his dad for a few days and I feel quite alone, I wouldn't normally, it's just that now I have no car and he is the only person that is walking distance from me so I can't go see my other friends which sucks. I miss him though, I'm so used to being with him, maybe that's a bad thing? Nah. I think his mum might have an idea that were together, maybe because one night I may have fallen asleep in his arms instead of on the couch..

Mum ran an idea past me the other day, she said she was thinking of moving to Melbourne and leaving me with the unit to get a roommate. I thought it was pretty cool, hasn't been thought out very well though because my younger brother needs my mum around. When I was at Dean's I brought that up and his mum said, "good, Dean can move in then." We looked at each other and were fighting back laughter, he seamed to agree with the arrangement but I added the terms that he has to be chained to the kitchen so that he can cook for me. I'd like for him to move in with me eventually, its been about two months since we first met and almost a month since we made it official, and I think I love him, it feels so cinch to say I love him but I think I do. Yea I think I do.

It was dad's birthday the other day, I called him and wished him a happy birthday, none of my brothers did, I don't blame them. Isaac has every right to not want anything to do with dad, my younger brother though, it's understandable, he is young and dad did kick him out and was a extremely unreasonable and rude in the process. Yea he kicked me out to, but I'm older, I can understand that dad wasn't doing to well and so I can forgive, after all he is my dad and I don't want to live my life without that figure, even though he hasn't played a huge role in my life. So it's understandable is what I am saying that my brothers didn't call or message him. I wanted to organize lunch or something with him but I would feel a little uncomfortable being just dad and I, but I thought dad would feel as though I'm being rude if I brought a friend or two. I don't like having bad ties with my family, it makes me feel inconsiderate, selfish and ignorant that I should complain about my bad relationship with family when there are others that have much worse relationships with their family, I choose not to has anything to do with Isaac for justifiable reasons but I chose not to talk to my dad mainly to the sake of punishment, which I think is stupid. Some people have fathers much worse than I and they don't complain, they're strong and I applaud and envy that they are strong enough to carry on and not complain, I have no right to complain and nor shall I anymore. I apologize for my selfish and inconsiderateness, I have no right to complain about aspects of my life which are nothing compared to the people around me.

I like to thing of myself as a helpful person, I like to help people, and if I can't help I will find someone or something that can help. I have found out that my words can be quite damaging, so if I could channel them to a right cause I am sure I could be successful.