As I lay here I look over to my desk across the room, it lives the life of a rushed boy, a man to busy to spare the shortest of time to mange his belongings so that there would be room to actually put use to his work space, it lives the life of a lie. I'm not busy, I've got plenty of time, I spend a lot of it with Dean, but I have spent most the day lazing around the unit, to little motivation to even throw his rubbish on the floor, it piles next to me on my lonely bed. I wish I could get into the habit of creative writing, I'd love to be a columnist of some sort, maybe music review or something, I love music and I believe I have a pretty great judgment on taste of music. My bonsai doesn't seam to happy, I wouldn't be too happy if someone was containing and limiting me, bending and manipulating me into an image that they wish me to be, this is not taming, this is torture. I don't know what's got up my nose but I feel the need to criticize my lack of care for freedom, I've always thought myself to be a person that puts freedom into practice at it's full extent, but I look at this bonsai and contradict myself, however, I have my justifications. This bonsai is like a child, a child is nurtured and guided down a path that leads then to be civilized human beings, the child is taken to school, educated in both intellect and social interactions. If this child was not shown how to do all that, where would they end up? They wouldn't become a civilized, educated human being, this is what divides us with savages, the savages that have no control nor consideration for life. Compare this to the bonsai, I am guiding it to be a tamed beauty, it will become lovely, something spectacular, people will marvel over how fascinating and intricate it is. I am containing it, on the grounds to guide it into a pleasant site, if I let it grow into a tree, it would become large, untamed and out of control, it would become an eye sore to people, eventually someone will come around to cut it down as they did to the trees out the front of our block of units, I am saving it from a life of loss, and allowing it to live a life of remembrance. Every time I looked at Neil I am reminded of the night we got him, when I went to Bunnings with Dean and Lauren to buy him. It reminds me of Dean and my love for him, it is a symbol of my love, and if I nurture it properly it will out live me, now isn't that mental. I have no idea what to do right now, it's 5:54 pm, mum said she was o her way home just before 3, she's probably gone to her boyfriends place and left me home alone. I hope so, I'd rather be home alone than home with her, not because it's her but because I am starting to enjoy my own company, and I'd rather be in a mood of happiness and bliss then one of unpredicted emotions, but, I would much rather be here with Dean. In a couple days we would have been seeing each other for five months, I love him, I love us. I'm making part of his Christmas present right now, but it's a secret so I can't even put it on my blog, but it should be pretty epic, in sure he will love it. Right now he is down the coast, crap I've got to message him. The other night his sister had somewhat of a fit to his mum about Dean introducing me to his dad as his boyfriend, which didn't happen at all, we had a massive talk before I met his dad about how straight and masculine manlike friend I am going to act, which I did. The thing is that she likes to stalk Deans facebook and he said she's probably stalking mine as well so she's most likely put two and two together, but it's so not fair of how they act to Dean. I can see the little family society thing that Dean's mum has told me about, its like an alliance between Dean's dad and sister, and its as if they try to puppet Dean around, put pressure on him, interrogate him, question him, it's frustrating. I know if my family done it to me, I'd bail on them, no way would I sit there and take their crap, maybe it's not as bad as it sounds, but I get worried about it, especially because I feel quite helpless. I tend to get worried when I'm in situations where I feel that I can't help, it's a things that spawned from years ago. Point is, in worried for him, I hope he handles it well, if not I'm sure he will talk to me about it, I want to be there for him in any way possible. I draw this post to a close, I must start cooking dinner soon, I am getting quite hungry, much love.
- iBen =]x
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