Day 23

Well this post is being done from my laptop so its a bit of a change in style. at the moment I am in a really terrible mood, I am pissed off at a particular fatherly figure and have only recently discovered some legions on my scalp. So I am in a mix of two emotions, anger and sadness. The sadness stems off to various feelings of fear, hostility and hate. It seems as though my anger also stems into feelings of hate, so at the moment I am hating at someone else as well as myself. When I say myself I intend my life and burden. You know what, I thought writing about it here would help me overcome or understand something. It really isnt helping, I feel very helpless as if I had been issolated from the rest of the world in a state of solitude. So yea, not feeling it tonight.



iBen


(sorry this was an old post, when I tried to post it it didn't publish so i assumed that it was lost, turns out it was saved as a draft =])

Day 21

This heart attack by Faker is an excellent song. Faker in general is awesome but in particular I like this song, not sure what about it but it's an epic song to sing and dance too, sober aswell might I add. I also feel it creates humour.. Enough analysing, I like the song. But it doesn't beat The Presets' If I Know You, that song hits the spot every single time. It's just magnificent, I fell in love instantly to the song, and then I saw the film clip and it just reinforced my love for it. Artists are truley magical, I wish I could play the violin and dance.

Next time I see a shrink I'm going to ask her to analyse me for borderline, I don't know the full details of it but I do believe it's better to be safe than sorry, that's my mums side of me talking. Oh yea, last night was fair epic, although I burnt myself and probably infected it by going in the spa, but anything for a good time =] As predicted my karma cycle gave me a boost today, even though I was in doubt. My horoscope said something about me getting the energy to go through the day and I really did think I was going to spend the whole day regretting something and coward in the corner of my room. But by some devine power I actually made today progressive, I set up the new chairs and table that arived yesterday, cleaned my room quite drasticly (it's still a mess but a huge change none the less), cleaned the house, didn't get to vacume because we don't have a vacume cleaner, and other things that made my day progresive and happy.

I don't like to have the focu on me, I feel selfish when I do, and it causes ke to feel anxious. Speaking of which I have improved quite dramaticly with my anxiaty, my heart doesn't beat a billion times a second everytime there is an odd flash of light or someone randomly apears around me. Doesnt help when I am intoxicated though, I have been feeling pretty good though, health wise and mentaly. I feel great, I'm not run down all the time, and I'm happy, and I like being happy, it's good for your skin. As I said I don't like havin the focus on me, most of the things in my blogs will remain unsaid unless someone tries to squeze it out of me. I have a wierd OCD thing about me, I won't want to share things about me, and the more secretive it is then the harder it is to tell. Sounds normal but I can't explain it properly, well like these blogs, in person I won't say these things, the only reason I do say it is because I can fool myself into knowing that there is a chance that no one will read it. In person someone is google to hear it, see what I mean? Better example, there are two main secrets I have about me, one of which I am atempting sharing with a very close friend of mine, but for me to share it to him I have invented a code and wrote him a letter in the code and told him the vowels in order to deciefer it, I done it like that because there is a high chance he will never deciefer it fully. It's quite annoying and leads to my sociophobia, well mild from so just social anxiaty. Haha even more stress, I really do love life. Seriously no sarcasim in that last statement, I love how ironic life is. I love irony. Blah blah blah, I have nothing interesting to say and I'm tired. Goodnight, it has been an eventful three weeks, and an Asian girl just called me, she had the wrong number =]

iBen

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Day 20

It's been almost a week without posting anything, either because I was busy studying (ha), out socializing (ha), or just didn't give two shits about anything this week. It's funny how I can map out my karma cycle, by Thursday and Friday my week turns to shit, Saturdays are terible, but Sunday lifts up the spirit and I'm fine from Monday to Tuesday and then Wednesday comes and I'm in a neutral, mellow state. I dot have bi polar because I don't all of a sudden become agressive or sad, although should get it checked out, family history doesn't look to good for me. My older brother went to Perth Thursday night, it was supposed o be a good thing for me I guess, since we don't get along I thought it would allow me to have a calm environment for the next however many weeks he is over there, but my karma cycle kept it's flow and I felt like shit the whole night. Last night I almost drove myself insaine, I have crickets in my room to feed my bearded dragons and they arw constantly making noises. Normally I can sleep through the noises, (oh and listening to the beast - angus and julia stone) but last night all I could consentrate on were the noises they were making. It was some really messed up melody, I was half tempted to empty the two containers into the lizzard tank.

I feel sorry for the crickets, humans can be so ignorant to other life forms, well I guess it's just survival of the fittest, but imagine if you were one of the crickets inside the cointainer. Your there with your friends and family having a pretty epic time coz you have this awesome carrot that you guys arw munching on. Not a care in the world what lies outside of the container, until it is finaly open to you. You hop out with your friends and family, exploring te new environment, wow this is awesome, so much room to play around in, until bam! You turn around and see that your best friends are gettig eaten by these two huge alien fuckers, you take leave and hide in the bush while you watch the rest of your friends and family get eaten. It's really depressing, but who cares, they're only crickets, they're not human, it's not like two collosal aliens are going to eat us. Oh and collosal is another one of my favourite words, astronomical and collosal.

Not sure if I mentioned that I am quite tangental but I do like to go of on an idea and explore it's possibilities before I finish my original topic, otherwise that thoght could be lost forever, and who knows, it could have been te most awesome thought ever but you just passed up the opportunity to explore it.

I have no idea what I'm going on about now. Dad sent me a message the other day, Wednesday I think, he said good luck with my exams and that he loves me. I didn't reply, I felt quite shity at thefaftthat after months without contact he can say somethig like that. I'm not sure where I'm up to with sharing my past so I'll have a look at the past posts and probably make one tonight or tomorow.





iBen

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Day 14

And it is at the two week mark where shit hit the fan. Stupidity, idiocracy and fuck offs where everywhere, and suprisingly I had the biggest part in it but the smallest verbal part, in fact I'm pretty sure I didn't get to add my two cents to the pot, well I didn't need to. It was between mum and my brother, he's got his anger problems and bad atitude and I think he was having a go at how selfish and ungrateful I am, in a sence I am grateful for some of the things that he does and I am quite conservative around him, but if he wasn't so goddamn ignorant to his problems then I wouldn't have these problems with him. I did not get to say that though, it was probably the most perfect time to say it but I didn't need to, mum went on to speak on my behalf, and she really did speak on my behalf. At times my brother would stand up to mum or someone and say that he is speaking on behalf of my younger brother and myslef, and it really pisses me off when someone says that they're speaking on my behalf when they wouldn't have the slightest idea about my opinion. On this ocasion mum knew exactly what I wanted to say, and I think the message may have gotten through, until he turned his back and had a go at mum telling her to go winge to a shrink. Ha funny how people can be so ignorant, you just think in your head how stupid they look and that they are probably aware of how stupid they look but they just don't care, ignorance fucks people over.

Anyway it was an eventful day, not what I had planned though, I wanted to spend the whole day studying but instead spent the whole day pissed off at myslef and how I had gotten to a point like this, I hate hating myself and I know that it isn't even a valid reason to hate myslef, but I can't stand all this fucking shit, the presure to be a rose growing from concrete, just don't blame me when I have damaged petals.




iBen

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Day 13

Sorry that I have not posted for day 13, aparently one of the Internet packages mum got with three went over by 1 gig and are trying to charge 700 dollars! So because my phone plan is under her name they barred my phone so I had no Internet, was not happy. Anyways I font remember much about the day, that night we went out for dinner to celebrate my brothers birthday, got abit passed drunk and ended up stalking the kitchen for over an hour trying to kill the rats. Not much to add so I will start on day 14, today.

iBen

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Day 12

It's St Joseph's day today, I'm not sure if it actually is acording to the catholic church calander but today at school we are celebrating it. This just means one less day to be learning vital information before half yearly examinations. I could have stayed home and tried to fit some studying in but aparently I is a compulsory school day, so in between the liturgy, egg and spoon races and also the cross country I will be looking for Mrs Davis to catch up on my polynomial and plane geometry.

I don't know what to expect from today, I will try my bet to make it enjoyable for everyone including myself, just not too keen on sitting through another liturgy. After I was kicked out from dads, my younger brother was being pressured to go everywhere with dad and to spend everyday there. I feel like I am repeating myself so skip to how dad kicked him out because he wanted to spend a day with mum, and so now he had been living in between my grandperents place and with my older brother. Eventually he was moved to my older brothers place, (finally a seat on the bus) and that's when the stupidity started with dad. When my younger brother went to my dads to pick up his clothes that dad has been pestering and even involving a solicitor to send a letter to mum informing my brother to contact him to pick up the rest of his belonging. So what does dad do when he gets there, tells him to go away, he never wanted him to come get his things. Even after my brother showed him the text message that dad sent to him saying to come pick up his things he still tried to deny it. Things got really stupid after that, my brother ended up in tears, dad called the police on him to get him to go away, who the fuck in their right mind calls the police on their own child, expecially something as fucking stupid as this. My brother ended up throwing a starter motor through his back window, and when the police came they turned a blind eye toward the window, they even suported my brother in telling dad just to let him get his belongings. But no the idiot still didn't let him ge his things, he called his solicitor and got him to tell the officer to back off or someshit, that is another thing that pisses me the fuck off, lawyers are supposed to uphold what is right, but they just defend the cash supply even when they know it's not the right thing to do. Greedy bastards, that's what made me decide that I didn't want to be a lawyer. So yea I have not tried to make contact to dad this year as he really hasn't been worth making contact too, there is another thing but I don't think it would be apropriate to discuss it on here.

Holy fuck it smells like urine on this bus! Why, why the hell would it smell like urine, I don't believe anyone would have urinated on a school bus.

Before my incident at dads which caused me to get kicked out, which I believe to be around late October, I was living there since about, sorry I have forgotten when I first moved in but I belive it to be around March. Shit my memories are all there but I can't put a percise timeline next to it, I know it was sometime while I was living with dad, September I think when I came out, it was one of my favourite moments in life, so much pressue had been relieved, I didn't have to look at myself and hate the fact that I wasn't open about who I really was. It was in June I think, June because it was at a birthday party and her birthday is at the begining of June, when I first told someone that I was gay. It was probably when depression was hitting me the worst, that night I wanted to die, I brought a full bottle of Jim Beam to the party and ended up downing three quaters o it straight in the first hour, I really was not planning on waking up in the morning. I don't remember how it happened but one moment I was talking to Bsut on the verge of tears, next I was on the bathroom floor vomiting and crying 'I don't want to do this anymore'. The rest is black untill I woke up, found out that brown was caring for me the whole night, called my dad to come (might I add he took his time), and carryied me to the car, hence why he is my gaurdian angel.

Arived at school so I hope to continue this story later today.

iBen

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Day 11

What ever happened to the innocent curiosity that we had when we were kids. For the sake of a certain individual I am no longer making my posts public on facebook. So this is my first post that will only be seen by those who seek it. I want to make somethings clear, mainly about my older brother, as an older brother he has got all the qualities that an olde brother should posses. Loyalty, leadership, love and more, when I post something and it makes reference to him in a negative notion, I apologize to intend that he is a bad person. He is one of the most hard working, loyal and kind hearted person I know, and it takes alot of courage in me to speak positive of him, only because I know it to be true. So when I do refer to him in negative ways, these are because of what I have seen and experienced from my younger years with him, all the negative notions I bring forth about him is my bias opinion of repressed memories. Memories that were best repressed, because they have stired a darkness inside of me when I came to realise how they have effected me. That being said, again it takes alot for me to acknowledge the positive notions of him, but I finaly have made some ground in working towards a stable and healthy relationship with him, and I'm sure soon enough he will want to work towards it too.

Well the day was great, I worked on my lap dancing skills and have a new admiration for ones imagination. There are still a few secrets that I have kept from everyone, this is suposed to be a place where I can spill my guts and not care about anyone elses opinion but a the moment I feel that I am not ready to share them. Two of them no one knows exists and one I am sure that I have told one or two close friends of mine. Hopefully when I resolve my issues with them or work up the courage to spill, I will post them on here but till then I will continue with my past. I think tomorow I will be getting to the part about father kicking out my little brother and maybe abit further into last year, about the three quater mark. Till tomorow

iBen


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Day 10

Got up late this morning, arived late to my bus stop and ended up standing up for the trip to school hence why I have not posted anything today. I had this concept yesterday about bimbo girls having kids and how they would raise them. Like if the bimbo girl went through her adolecent years being ignorant to education, flirting with boys and getting 'maggot' every weekend with a goon bag, then how would they bring up their child when they are teenagers. Will thy encourage snobby, pompuse and drinking behaviour, or would they learn from their own mistakes and tell them to focus on school as an education will get you far in life. As for the successful kid in high school, the one who studied his guts out to become a mechanical engeneir, will he put pressure onto his kids to follow in his footsteps or would he give his children a bit more freedom than he did as they're life is already made successful and his children have what he never did when he was young. Looking back over that I did sound quite sexist, I do atempt to use their instead of his or hers, I could have went back and corrected it but it is what I have been faced with at school. In my physics class there is only one girl to eght boys, although I do believe that she will score higher than me for hsc physics. Extension 2 was four boys to one girl but now it's only three boys, so yes I am faced with mainly males in what is considered high academic subjects, this does not account for the numbers of female students in extension 1 and 2 English, and other high academic subjects which I do not do. But on this post and all my other post I will speak only of what I see and what I know, as for the rest is hear-say.

Deposit for Bali was due today, although I do not hav the money. Going to get to some studying, so I'll leave you with this picture which I found to be quite hilarious. In my art class there is this individual, this individual has been the main target of my bitching of pompose people and those who try to position themselves higher than everyone else. This individual has no one from her small circle of 'friends' in the art class so she does these little stupid things to try to fit in amungst the rest. It is quite ridiculous to see her try to fit in, in fact the irony behind it is to funny to express. Anyway, we were doing theory and Manda got up to show Mrs Berto something, and while she was opening the storeroom door so Manda could get her artwork she noticed this pretty silver bracelet with charms hanging from it around Manda's wrist. So she said 'oh that looks nice' or something around those lines, and then this individual, noticing an opportunity for people (mainly the teacher as that is who she aims for) to notice her, pounces at the chance to investigate as to what is so special about this shinny bracelet that she probably has a billion of at home (pompuse bitch). So she got up went over there and started blabaring on about garbage and how she has things just like that, yada yada, and it frustrated me. I was already anoyed a her for adding her opinion to eah dot point on the overhead as she is so in love with her own voice, news flash darling, I HATE YOUR VOICE! I was sitting next to God at the time and I started having a bitch fit about how she thinks everything revloves around her and can be related to her in anyway, like how she had to add that her sisters back is out of alignment when she heard that Dimiti's back was sore, like we are just dying to hav her jump into our conversation because she is too shit. Now I finally get to the point, as I ended my bitching spree on top shit, God was finishing his dot point and instead of writing relationship he wrote relationshit. We laughed at the incident so I went to grab my phone to take a picture of it, this individual once again saw an oportunity to be noticed and came over to us to investigate what had happened. Fucking unbelievable, here is the picture.





iBen

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Discretion

I have begun to believe that some of my posts have come to focus on the negative perceptions of life. Except if there wernt these negative perceptions to observe than I would not be talking about them. I do consider myself an optimist although I try to be a realist, but I think at times when I'm being realistic that I tend to focus on the negatives because it's a different perspective to which I am a custom to. I am a person that will here all sides, see all perspectives and if possible physically experience all aspects of an issue or situation before I make my valid opinion on it. I don't base my judgments on hear-say, if I am told that let's say Jimmy is a selfish prick, I will spend some time with Jimmy, get to know him, try and look at him through other peoples perspectives. Only then will I have a valid opinion on Jimmy, and if it is evident that Jimmy is actually full of sweetness than I will be sure to make my opinion known.

I just wrote a segmant on how I felt thy I havnt lived up to the best brother requirements but my iPhone likes to erase paragraphs if I accidently shake it. I am too tired to continue with this post I bid you all good luck and my wishes go out to you succeding in your goals and dealing with your issues.

iBen

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Day 9

Is it that hard to smile, no it's quite easy actually, and it makes me feel good. A smile can change someones day dramaticaly, their outlook on the day alters when they see people smiling. Well it does for me, a smile is alot more reasuring than a phonie tough guy with no emotions look. Because we all know the tough guy shit is put on, I put it on, it's not only an intimidaion method but it is a defence tactik, it is a great way to hide emotions, bottle them up and avoid facing your true feelings.

So father, after he kicked me out my youngest brother moved in, well he was staying there for about a week while I was still there, that is another problem of dads, he bites off more than he can chew. He talks about how he wants to have all us boys living with him in his safe environment and sooner down the track we will move into a house in Wollongong. No thanks dad, living with my older brother is only a last resort and who did he think he was saying that we are going to move to Wollongong. It was stupid, hyporcitical, that he rarely ever saw us, and for long periods of time he wanted nothing to do with us. Bogus. My uncles have the same problem with my cousins, they're selfish, and only think of what's best for themselves rather than their family, my family. I guess it all comes from their parents, my grandparents, despite my love for them, expecialy my innocent Nanna. My Nannu on the other had is one of the phoniest people I know, he hide behind his Maltese and Christian loving alias, he is the darn most Christian fellow I have every met. Sorry about that sarcasim in the last sentence but he is a hypocrite if I ever met one, smothers himself with saints and Jesus but if only people knew about his schieming ways and shark like nature. He is my grandfather and I do love him, but as a person, ha. As a gradfather icon I judge that he does just that, uses his icon of having grandchildren to gain love and respect amungst his community, that he is a family man. Bogus, he does whats best fo himself, and if one of his boys is said to be in the wrong he won't hear a word of it, his boys are perfect, ha, even he knows how imperfect they are, how he has been screwed over by his own son yet paints the picture of a perfect son to others so that he is seen as perfect, I mean if they knew how imperfect his son was than that will reflect badly on him, that is something that he cannot have. Ignorance is bliss to him, I say bogus to that phonie crap.

It's sad that I can sit here and say all these nasty things about my fathers side of my family, but if they're wasn't any nasty things to say than I wouldn't say it, and if they justified or atleast tried to make right their wrongs and evil deeds as I put it, than I would have said so. But no actions have happened so I shall leave it as that.

It is my brothers birthday today and still have not got a present for him. But I am arriving at school in less than 30 seconds. So till next time.

iBen

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8 Ball

I like to go against the sytem for the greater good of the community. You feel rebelious and people see you as rebelious, but truth is your only doing what is best. At school, my sport house is Kembla, red house, but I have made an un-official switch to Maquarie, purple. Mainly because purple is a fuckin sexy colour, but their house leader is so lousy, I hope one day she gets a wake up call in life and realise that her promiscuous ways with having boys frothing for her will not last long, and if anything they will not benifit her in life.

I wonder why people get a thrill out of bitching about others, well I wouldn't call it bitching but more so voicing my valid opinion. I would not say something on her unless I ment it and it was validly true. If I belive that there may be some flause or my statment is of bias or invalid opinion than I will say that I belive it is invalid or bias.

It's my older brother's birthday tomorow, except I havent gotten him anything. I don't know what to get him, and it's not like I have money to dispence, normally in these circumstances mum has something for me to give him, hope she does otherwise I'm gonna look like a dick.

iBen

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Day 8

I feel like a bit of a wanker to this guy this morning. Mornings arnt really my thing anymore, to tired, but every morning when I walk to the bus stop there is this guy waiting there looking very sus and eager for this bus to come, like before it even gets here he's up and ready to be the first one on like it's primary school race. What I have worked out is that he feels uncomfortable around a heap of children, maybe he feals intimidated. So when I was walking to the bus stop this morning he was facing my direction, so instead if being polite and smiling, I sort of gave him an intimidative stare, sealed to make him agitate abit. And for that I feel like a wanker.

Anywho, day 8, feeling pretty goodthat I have made a week and been comited to writing a post everyday. I have been pretty happy, but also hungry. I will feel much better when I start having breakfast, thanks so much Mr D. Not sure if I have mentioned it in any of my posts but I am really passionate about music, my favouriite song of all time is Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls. I did promise to go into a bit of background history about my father, it was very odd, last night I dremt that I was at his place. It frightend me and for some reason I had two per frogs.

I might aswell tell a little about father, last time I saw him was Christmas last year, hmm not sure how to tell this story. I'll work my way there. Befre moving into my brothers unit I was at mums boyfriends place with her, he is a fucking cunt and I don't want to see him unless I am doing some sort of grevious bodily harm to him. Sorry about my language, anywho I was there since November last year, it was begining of November I think when my dad kicked me out, I was going to move into my grandmothers but because of a party I had there that turned into chaos, it was deemed unsafe for me to be living there. I did want to leave dads, I couldn't stand being there after what the place reminded me of. That's one thing that no one knows and I'm not sure if I want to spill it on here. But I couldn't stand being there after a certain insidant, but it was probably my actions that made dad kick me out, although he did say I could have a party and than two nights before the party was due to happen he said, 'ben I never said you could have a party' Thats another thing, I fucking hate how he contradicts himself, he says one thing and than another, 'oh Ben you could never dissapoint me' 'ben you have really disapointed me' fucking pisses me off. So this nigh I didn't wan to talk to him, he called and I wouldn't answer, I sent him a message saying I was safe and I was not in the mood to talk to him, so he calls again and leaves a message saying, 'ben I'm at nannas, all I want is the key to my house and you can come pick your things up later' a couple days later he tries to deny that he ever said that. Fucking hate peoples egos that they can think they can lie about anything even when they are proven wrong an still deny the truth, who the hell do you think you are, do you think your perfect and never make mistakes, fuck I make mistakes and I accept my mistakes. He could of atleast kept that little bit of respectthat he had.

Almost at school, I want to get into what happened this year to my brother when dad kicked him out for wanting to spend a day with his mum. Seriously what the fuck, one day but no had to go kick him out.

Kisa are funny, they don't fully understand right from wrong, what is acceptable and what isn't, that's why I love their innocents, a little kids can flip people the bird and not mean I offencive, he's just copying society, hahaha these children mirror society, and aparetly society is fliping us the bird.

iBen

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Day 7

Well it has been a week and I must say that the positives have out weighed the negatives. This week has been progressive in terms of alot of things.

1. I have lernt to deal with living with my brother, however dealing is just a fancy word for avoiding.

2. Bali! Haha had a chat to mother today about going to Bali, seeing as I have already been to the travel agent and booked acomidation on Wednesday without her concent. There was no point in saying 'mum I'm going to the travel agent today to look at prices for Bali' she wouldn't have believed me, as when she wouldn't believe me when I told her I made arangments already. But as o today it's all good =]

3. In terms of ease of living, I don't need to worry about waking up in the morning to look in the cupboards only to find moulded bread, stale nutri-grain, no snack food besides the 4 packet of recreos and know that today is going to be another day without breakfast or lunch, but hopefully I would be going to nannas that afternoon to have dinner. In the past week I have lost 3 kilos, it's not much compared to someone else, he knows who he is, but it's not a nice feeling.

4. A close friend of mine signed out from school this week, it was a big step and I'm proud that he did it. And about time to might I add. I wish him the best, as at the moment he has no income but I know that things will work to the best for him, he is a true friend, my guardian angel, and I know karma will have it's way with him and it will be glorious.

I like the term never count your eggs before they hatch, just putting it out there. As I discussed about half an hour earlier, I also like the number 2, it is a very pretty number, a purple velvety texture, an the number 6. 6 is a perfect number for those of you that didn't know. I was just in a tangental thought and had sparked a trivial question I wish to end this post on. Okay, Peter Parker and Clark Kent both work for newspaper companies, very smart decision as they are able to know what the media knows about them an what they want to depict them as. Can you remember what those two newspaper companies were called?

iBen

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Envy

Dancers, I have always envyed them. The masculinity and gracfulnes that they posses, ballet and contemporary dancers. The limits they push themselves to but make it seem so effortles. I love it. I hate how we live in such a consumist world, everything now revolves around getting a job, sell sell sell, buy buy buy. Grow up to be an enginier, build bridges, roads and bulidings for people to get to their work easier and so more people can get jobs, to get more money to spend more money. I don't want to grow up in this environment, to grow and bulidings bridges, I want to help people live, sustain life, be productive with life, not be like everyone in this consumeristic cycle that deprogresses life. As out consumeristic world grows bigger and more succesful in terms of employment and money, the world as a whole deteriates, people are bein forgoten, instead of helping these people we are stuck in our own cycle for our own progression. It's terible, all I wanted to be was a dancer, be my own person, not that I am not my own person but I am limited to be a person in the environment in which I grow into, if I wanted to be a dancer now I would be frowned upon as this is not what is expected of me, I am to be an enginer. Oh well, no use complaining, it won't change my future, I guess I will continue on my journey to go to uni, but there is one request I wish to fulfil before I die, I wish to go to France. Yea I have been there before but I want to be able to enjoy all aspects of it. France.

iBen

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Day 6

Well it's been a full school week and to be honest it has been a bit of a rollercoaster. At this time one week ago I was pissed off, angry and just had a dispute with mum, I left home and was pretty much walking all day. Except the day started shit but it was one if te best nights of my life. It's funny how karma can work like that, it will give you a tonne of hell then lift you back up. Karma worked it's magic on me through the week, it gave me hell the first few days up until Thursday when people that I didn't expect to care, helped me out through my tough times.

Not to good today though, not sure why but I'm just not feeling that joy or excitment. I like stuff, I like fire, I like eggs, I like music. I want to learn to play the violin. My favourite artist is 2Pac, he's music and poetry is very inspireing and has helped me to keep my head up and focus on the positives of every situation. Wow ever watched the tv shows on the the new free to air channels? They are really terrible, budget producers, budget actors, budget camera men and budget filming equipment.

It's odd to see someone come into a place and walk around, inspecting and judging the place that you grew up in, spent the majority of your life. In a way it sickens me, that they can judge this place of it's material value when this place is priceless to me. I don't know, now I sound like an old man rambling on about anything that pops into mind. I guess I should stop before I get to old.




iBen

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Good people

Good people are hard to come by these days, most people are to busy to help a friend in need. A friend in need is a friend in deed, a friend with weed is better (name it). But as I was saying people have become to caught up in their own lives that they don't spare enough time to help someone in need. It's funny how some friends will distance - oh god my dog farted - themselves from you when you have a problem that they can't help you with. Either because they don't want the blame for giving wrong advice or they don want to be around someone that seams to be down. Although those who are lucky enough to know who your true friends are will come to realise that they will stick by you through your hard times because they don't want to see you sad or angry, they want what's best for your welfare. I have come to realise who my true friends are and it is extreamly reasuring to know that everyday I will be with people that can and will help me with any problem I come across, as I would do for them.

However my use of the term good people in this context wasn't directed to my friends, it is directed to three individuals as such, three teachers might I add, 2 of which are not my class teachers. In order of who I noticed was a 'good person' to me first:

1. Mrs Oliver: in homeroom yesterday she went through checking diaries for parent signature as they do. She came to mine and noticed that only the first week of the ear has been signed, I think we have just finished week 6 and it was only signed because I have perfected the art of forging my mothers signature. Instead of putting me onto detention as what is the punishment for exntensive unsigned diary pages, she noticed something wasn't right. So she asked me about my situation at home and discovered that my diary hasn't been signed because I'm not living with mum. So she let me off as she understood my predicimant but she went that extra bit further, gave me some advise on what I could do about living out of home, Centerlink benifits and other living arangments that the government can help me with if I can't live at home for whatever reason. It was very helpful and it Kent alot that she actually went through the effort to help me out when she did t have to. And for that she is in my good people list.

2. Mr Leggett: anyone that knows Mr Legget knows that he is a good person, but the list is for good people I come across from day 1 of my journey. In that sence the list will be added to as I come across more valid contestants =]. Back to Mr Leggett, yesterday he asked for my summary which i havnt had a compleated summary since around about November last year, note that time frame. He was really fed up with the fact I havnt handed him a complete summary so he asked me if I would like to stay in at lunch to do it, I guess he wanted to punish me by keeping me in and I think everyone else saw it as a punishment but I saw it as an opportunity, so I took it. After completion of two pages of motors and generators summary we had a chat about why I have been falling behind with my summary, after sharing my story of my living arangments and loss of summaries he understood why I havnt been my old self. He knew there was chaos in my life, and being the respectful man that he is, he said he didn't need to know what was going on, only that somethig wasn't right, and so he agread to let me use his room to stay in at lunch time to complete my summary if I havnt got anywhere else to do it. That is consideration and compasion right there.

3. Mr D: my apreciation for good people was sparked today thanks to him. Mrs Oliver is my homeroom teacher and Mr Leggett is my physics teacher, however Mr D really has no link to me in a teachers sence, we have had good talks, laughs and story sharing but I don't see him as someone that needs to have as much reponsibility over my welfare compared to other teachers. Yet today he has helped me so much, when I was talking to him and he was goig through all the things he will try to do to help my life be a smoother journey, and when I say try, I thought he would give it a shot, but he got really serious about helping me, I mean he has already acomplished things he said he would try to do to help me out, so when he was going through things he cab do to help I was literaly on the verge of crying. The fact that someone that doesn't need to do anything for me is spending all this time focusing on making my lifer better for me, that really had me in tears. He is in the same department as Mrs Oliver so I assume that some words were shared and I am amazed that he has put effort into the matter and not shrugging it off as gossip.

So to those three I am ever greatful. Of course this does not mean that I only consider these three people as good people, I would class this as my teacher list, but there are two others that I will share in another post. Now I guess I will take advantage of my solitude and work on my physics summary.




iBen

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Day 5

This assesment today is worth 15% of my extension 2, should I be worried. I guess so, bu I hope I will do fine, considering I flooded last night with past half yearly exams on complex numbers and conics. I'll fill my recess and lunch time with more studying, really need all the time I can get. Quite ironic consideing I'm spending my time now writing a new post. Well I'm at the bus stop so no point in geting out papers when I have no room for them. Oh I was going to go into the story about my father today but I really do need to concentrate on the task at hand, and when I tell stories I do try to get right into it. So I won't have anything solid till this afternoon, thanks for your time.

iBen

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Apologies

I try to write atleast two posts a day, I did write another post but havnt publishe it because I feel as though I should ask permision from someone before I do post it. But anyways, missed out on going to cold rock tonight and stayed at my grandparents doing hours of extension maths study for tomorows assesment. Screw English, I havnt learnt anything with Mrs Sara anyway. Not to happy about rectangular hyperbolas, they are not fun. Recieved some helpful advice from someone today, probably the someone that was most disapointed with me today.

Have you ever had a problem and you talk to someone about your problem, and they offer their options on how to help you with your problem, like other alternatives, but those alternatives can't help your situation. You apreciate that they have actually tried to help you, but once they're out of ideas they're just like, 'oh, yea um' and got no idea. The ocasional person who runs out of helpful options will find someone that has more options and reffer you to them. Well this person understood my prediciment and was out o ideas but actually went through the effort of findin some that can help me out. And I'd like to thank Mr Leggett for pointing me in the right direction, except now I'm expecting an after school detention for not atending my uniform detention. Well education out weighs petty rules.

I guess I should go to bed while all this info is still in my head. And I apologize for not posting my other post tonight, but I wouldn't feel right if I posted it without permision. Thanks guys for taking the time to read this. Oh and had a lovely bitch today on the bus home, very insightful and fun to share your thoughts and opinions on pompuse bitches. Am I harsh? Nai. Till next time.

iBen

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Day 4

Considering the pas few days living with my brothe it has been smooth sailing. I have had minimum contact with him. Haha sitting on the bus this morning next to this cute little boy in year two. He's sitting on the back seat so I sat next to him. Bright little kid, chatting away and writing ' U are hoT' with the water dropplets on my folder. Then writing 'you are sexy' and my favourite, 'you are poo'. Kids are so curious, 'what does that say?' and thanks to him I now know what go go crazy bones are. He's got five sparklies. A bag cost 10 dollars but he got his for 5 at kmart and it came with more go go crazy bones than the 10 dollar bag. This is one of my favourite conversations with anyone on this bus, considering Bel an Manda aren't here. Aparently I havn done much of my story so let's try he's tacktic, fjwif CID e fi nepdnw CID I'd CID CID cue cj mwovjfsn. Cow CID c eyskc wodmfkwofkt. Kc CID xj sox six xcneianco eig dud. Jfjeov rucnfotnpse dqncpd wig xo msov aoc zicmwpv rjxndpdbt zie xosncow cue goabfcjehf cdjxkw cos CPA cofiecpa cox xoc sic socneudlf
Usytldbxtwjf wueyrntu d. Wkd ainsodnx cjskdn ke ciaoc wox sox chr.

That's better, I love how curious kids are, and they're not afraid to chat to someone they have just met, about how school is going, your teachers, and what go go crazy bones are. They're so innocent, I hate how people have changed from their innocent self, that's one thing I fear happening to me. I don't want to be one of those people that walk past you on the street and do anything they can to look away from you and unacknowledge your existance. Seriously, is it that hard to swallow your pride and put on a smile and say 'good morning' to someone as they walk pas you instead of thinking they are the scum of the earth and don't deserve the slightest acknowledgment. Okay at school now. Till next time.

iBen

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Phucked

Okay, sitting in the canteen at the school social. Why did I come even though I knew none of the year tweleves would be here. Besides four members of the src there is Dom, Bsut, Julian and I. Brown was the lucky one that escaped, Bsut, Julian and I had no chance. It's okay though, I get to have some time to myself, think about the chaos in my life. Atleast I'm not at home. I guess there will be people that read this and say, ha this kid knows nothing of chaos. Well prrhaps I don't know the chaos that you have been through, but do you know the chaos I have been through and going through. So till then, stick to your invalid judgments as I will stick to my invalid judgments about other peoples 'chaotic' lives.

So here I am taking advantage of my time alone to write my blog and correct my posture. I am very paranoid about m posture, I fear growing old and having terible posture, messed up backs and looking all huntch backy. Well to be honest I fear growing old in general. I don't want to be an adult, I cannot picture myself in an adult role. I wouldn't know what to do, what do adults do. I know what single mothers do but I am not one of them. I dont want to grow up, but worse I don't want to grow old. Expecially at the rate of which my body is deteriating at.

While I'm spilling my guts about my paranoia and fears, I should tell you abou my compulsive lying and kleptomania. I lie because it is easy, it comes natural to tell someone I am from Bathurst and my parents came from New Zealand, and it's more interesting than the truth. Except I have tried to fix it, because when your a compulsive liar, eventually no one will believe what you say because they think your lying, even though it's the truth. Example, when I came out that I was gay, everyone thought I was lying. I don't blame them either, if I were them I wouldn't believe me. Except there was those that did believe me, maybe because the week before I vowed to not lie for a week, then again who would believe that. Now my lies are mainly used to ease the flow of conversation, if I'm talking to some random and they ask where I live, I say Wollongong. They say 'oh in Wollongong itself?' and instead of getting into detail and crap, and because I don't like changeing what was said I say 'yea, I actually live in North Wollongong, Bourke Street, you know the one with the Novetel' all of which is untrue. But I havnt lied in any of these blogs, simply because I can change what was said before I post it. Isn't that just fan-fucking-tastic. Right here is everything I think and want to say minus the lies. Should be called 'The Truth Of iBen'. Ha I just wonder how many people on my facebook actually read any of these or if my readers come to my page by chance.

Kleptomania, hordeing small usless items, an obsesion that at times leads one to steal these usless items. Well that is my understanding of it, I do like to keep usless crap and yea I have stollen tones of little insignificant shit that causes no good to myself. Although I believe I have trained my urge to steal, I stole because it was easy for me and I was pretty fricken good at it. So much stuf and never caught. But yea I believe I trained it, I know only steal in the name of karma, if someone is a massive bastard, ie hits women! Then I believe that fucker deserves to have karma come around and bite him on the ass. I am the one delivering that karma. Almost all the things I have stollen in the name of karma I have not kept for myself, truth! Last items I stole was on my retreat, I stole five pool balls, I justifyed my actions by thinking 'there was already three or four balls missing so this might encourage them to buy a new set of balls' but I didn't want to steal them for me. I gave one to God, (I'll explain who god is in another post) one to Amanda, one to Paz and one to Emily. All of whom have helped me when I was in a time of need, expecially God. And of course I kept one for myself, the 8 ball.

Umm I'm not sure what I expected to get across in this post but I think it was pretty productive into understanding how I operate. Thanks.

iBen

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Day 3: bitch

Remember I said that day 1 represented the begining of my stay with my older brother and the day I began my journey for an adventure. Well in the aspect of my stay with my older brothe it hasn't been to bad. I've been at school and he's been goin out at night so it's total avoidance of each other. It's pretty good, last night I got some study done for my maths assesment, although while trying to sleep he arived home, knocked on my door but I didn't respond, as you would when your trying to sleep and avoid someone. So he comes in the room, turns the light on, starts looking at all my work on my desk, then stands over me for awhile then leaves. The fuck? Anyways my stay there has been alright considering I have avoided him.

On other news, (I tend to say that when I want to get straight to another topic) on my search for an adventure, I think I may have found where my adventure will take place. Bali! Although schoolies is months away I am most certain that Bali is the adventure I have set out for. Unless something else pops up during my journey from now till then.

School social is on tonight, I'll be attending but the theme is pirates of the caribean and I havnt gone through the effort of getting a costume. Not like many people dress up, the year sevens will think it is like their school disco so no dress ups expected from them, some enthusiastic year eight kids might dress up, very few year nine kids as they believe they are more mature than the year eighters, ha yea right. I don't expect a huge turn out from year ten, they're in the prime of they're partying years so they think so a social is no comparison to their house parties so no point in making an apearance. This years year eleven are mainly a bunch of meat heads and whores. Yes I am quite judgmental, but the vast majority are surfy meat heads that look like they're only good for being brickies. It's terible of me to say such things based on only a visual apearance, but everyone judges with their eyes, it's just they don't say what they think until they actually talk to them, get to know them and then make a valid judgment and speak that. So my meat head statement is an invalid judgement as I have no positive ground to base it on. As for the whore comment, I believe that is a valid judgement for about half the year eleven girls population. So the meat heads will be at the front stage moshing around acting like they're drunk and top shit, while the whores try to squeeze between as many guys as they can, the girl suronded by the most guys wins. Now comes my year group, the pompose group that positions they're group geographicaly higher than the whole year so that they feel even more top shit, I doubt to see any of them there, they're to awesome to be seen at a school social, however the 'nerd' group which is probably the most true to themselves group will definatley make apearences, it's a social for Christ sake, means socialize, why would you pass up a chance to socialize so that you can sit in your room thinking about more ways in which you can be top shit. I neither fall in the catagory of 'nerd' group, pompose, meat head or girl group. There are the independant groups, you can't label them, they are friends because they love each other, they have been through hard times together and know each other very well. They don't sit together because they all talk about cars or live in the same area. I am one of the independant. Oh it might be important to say the 'nerd' group is just the biggest independent group, the pompose group gave them the label because they felt insecure about they're 'numbers' compared to their own. That is all, I have now arived at school. Till next time.

iBen

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Motivation

Extension maths assesment is in less than three days. I find myself sitting behind my desk doing revision chapters on complex numbers. But why? The pills sitting right next to my piles of books remind me of my illness, the remind me of what I have been through and what doctors have told me. There is that constant reminder in the back of my head that is telling me that I will be lucky to see 20. Looking at the pills just reinforce that thought, what if I was to die before I see 20. The. All the studying and schooling I have done will have gone to waste, I would have died before I had even got a chance to put my knowledge to practice. Practice is a nice word, you prectice to perfect at something.

The pills should symbolize a fighting chance, that with them I can live past 20. But I guess it is just my cynical and depresive state that allows me to play ignorant to this fighting chance and just see the downside to life. I hate myself at this moment, for being able to see the positive of a situation and see how easy it is to put that positive action into practice, yet I choose to play ignorant and cynical. I have no idea why I am doing it, but I am. Eventually I hope that I will break through my ignorance, smile once again and actually believe I am happy.

The pills symbolize that motivation I need to be able to care about my education and how it can benifit myself and the wider comunity. But till I can see them as motivation other than a barrier, I shall sit here revising complex numbers, withthe thought in my head that I will not live to see 20.





iBen

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Day 2: ssdd

The reason I began writing these blogs is mainly thanks to my brother. We do not get along, he is an agresive, violent, unthankful, disrespectful wank. To top it off he knows he is all this but does nothin to change. I havnt lived with my brother for almost 5 years, but without any notice I was living with him once more.

It's the worst feeling to have your living arangments altered in one day without any warning. About two weeks ago I was living with my mother at her boyfriends place, until one morning I am awoken by mum saying 'get up, need you to start packing your stuff'. I hadn't the slightest idea where I was moving to, later I found out we were going to my grandparents. So now I knew where I would be living, not quite. Later in the afternoon after mum discused with her friend and my Aunty, they decided that my little brother should move to my grandparents with mum and I should move into the unit with my brothers girlfriend while he was in Perth.

A little background history on our previous living arangements. My older brother and his girlfriend have been living in a unit that he and my mother own. My younger brother has been staying with him, which I believe was a bad move from the begining. But that's another story. Since my brother flew to Perth about two weeks ago my little brother was spending time at my grandparents, so logical decision was to have him move to my grandparents as mum would be able to care for him there, and since there was no room at my grandparents I was to move into the unit with my brothers girlfriend while he was in Perth, which I must say I had no choice in but I went with it for the greater good of my little brothers welfare. Savy?

Oh yea I tend to be imature sometimes, when I say long sentences I feel like Jack Sparrow. There may be other ones that I will point out to you later.

So I hope that gives an insight into my living arangements, and a little of why I am sad. Oh I forgot to say why I started writing these blogs. Well since he got back and I have been quite depressed, all I want to do is sleep, I really don't have the motivation to do anything. So these blogs are to help motivate me to write, study, whatever for school. I am motivated to write these blogs as I hate keeping things bottled up, it's fucked up on me before.

Ssdd I have stollen from the movie Dreamcatcher, it means 'same shit different day' I like the term because I am motivated to make everyday different from the other. At school I like to do something stupid everyday, I like to get people laughing, I hate seeing eeryone looking like a depressive sag of shit, so I do what I can to make em laugh, even if it means that they will be laughing at me. It helps me to know that others are happy or at least smiling. Whatever it takes I guess.

So this is my added details to the current path I am on. Where it will lead me I am still uncertain, hopefully I can go abit further into my past, but all in good time, I will work backwards, I then assume that my next post will be about my father and the actions he has taken that has pushed me away from him. Till then.

iBen

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Location:Tongarra Rd,Albion Park,Australia

Bus rides

Bus rides are insightful. You learn something new about a person or talk to someone that you have never talked to before. You find out what they like, hate, their opinions on issues. The guy next to me found out I was gay and squished himself up against the window. Funny how with only a few words said you can already paint a picture of how someone mind works, their logic is based on what society deems acceptable. Gay porn is unnatural acording to the boy infront of me yet only minutes earlier he was watchig lesbian porn on someone phone. So acording to society if I was a lesbian and sat down next to this boy he would feel quite comfortable. Is this because he doesn't feel like he has become a sexual target, unlike sitting next to a gay male. Yet if you sit next to a female you become a sexual target, so it's based on the fact that you feel uncomfortable sitting next to someone that deems you a sexual target but you would not deem the same to them. So acording to this boys logic based on societies expectations, sitting next to a gay male or unatractive female makes you uncomfortable. It's funny how peoples egos can make them think that they are being targetted sexually. Seriously, walk through oxford street with hands over our arses because your just so hot, I'm sure every guy will be all over you. But hey, I'm not meaning to have a go at these kids, they're allowed to voice their opinions and so am I, I am having a go at what society has deemed acceptable and not. Who the fuck decides what is aceptable and not, if something makes you happy than fine do it, but it should not be at the expence of others happiness. If a gay guy is happy being gay then let him be, if he sits next to you on the bus, that is not a reasone for you to act stupid, act like your afraid of the gay, that just causes him to looses him happiness for the expence of your ignorance. Gay guys don't make you feel uncomfortable or unhappy, it is your ignorance that makes you feel that way.

iBen

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Day 1

Day 1 is a term used to represet the begining of something, the days leading up to an event or days after an event. For this circumstance, day 1 could represent 2 things; the day I began living with my brother, or the begining of my days in search of an event to begin.

Adventures don't just start, there is that lead up to the adventure and the path the voyager was on before he began the adventure. To me these are critical points to the adventure, it determines how willing the voyaer is during his adventure, they may be tired or hurt, this van impact the adventure and I feel that the audience whitnessing the adventure should know why the voyager takes the path they do when there are other options they could have taken.

The path I'm on at the moment is one not of my choice, living with my brother, but I will get into that later. All you have to know is that it was not my choosing to live with him. This has caused me great grief and saddness, I ran away from home on the weekend because of the news, amungst other things. But I am back home, and not happy. Tofay is Monday the 8th of March, I arive at school in less than 2 minutes. I am not ready. But I am ready to start my journey to find my adventure, I know not when it shall arise, but I am ready to find it, but not to start it.

Saddness causes me to get really confused, so excuse my excessive use of but, but I have arived at school and this post comes to an end. Until another time.

iBen

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