Crying

It's a bit of a kick in the face, it was seriously the last thing I was expecting to hear. He told me how much he hated living down there and how he never wanted to live there, and now hes got a job interview down there and will be moving into his dad's flat.. It's two things that are making me sad, confused and worried, one is that he said he wouldn't but now he seams so keen for it, and the other that he will most likely do it. Its a good opportunity for him, he'll have a good paying job and a flat to live in, but he would be so far away, I wouldn't be able to cope with it, I'm not even coping with the idea of it, and that its already in the making. I feel so bad for being sad, its the worst feeling to feel bad for being sad, I feel so bad and selfish for not wanting him to go, like he could find a job up here, theres no flat but there is me, it might be easy for him to not be able to see me but I can barely last one day without him. My eyes hurt, and my face now feels salty, you know how you cry so much that the tears pour down your face and you can taste them in the back of your mouth, I have that. I don't want to hear about it, its making me so sad, I'll just see how things play out..

Damaged Petals

I'd like to tell Dean everything, about Isaac, about mum, I don't know how he'd react, might be too much for him, might make him understand a few things, he might not care, he'll probably just act how he usually does, I worry too much about how people will react to things rather then actually doing it and then facing the reaction unprepared. The other night when mum threatened me with a knife, it wasn't even the worst welcome home I've had, It's stupid that I can't even find the courage to tell a heap of random people I have never met. When I was twelve Isaac attempted suicide, I was the one that found him in a puddle of his own blood on the bathroom floor with knife cuts all across his arm, that was a nice welcome home. To top that, later that year coming home with Isaac, mum was nowhere to be found, finally we went in her room to find her face down on her bed with empty pill boxes next to her, we managed to get her on the floor and while Isaac called the ambulance I had to stick my fingers down her mouth to make her vomit up the pills and scrape them out of her mouth, fucking great welcome home for a twelve year old. My childhood hasn't been the easiest nor has it been the hardest, crying myself to sleep most nights, trying to forget everything, praying to god that one day it will all stop, it's finally stopped now, but things are still not good. How can I be expected to be normal after going through that, and mum has the nerve to tell me that I've had a great life, that I've had Christmases and presents all the time, well if you make a cake with all the right ingredients it's a good cake, but if you throw a knife and some pills in that cake it's gonna turn out pretty damn bad. It's understandable, when Tupac said not to blame the rose that grew from concrete for it's damaged petals, it's not exactly easy to turn out good when you've been through so much bad.

I'm Back

It has been to long since I have last blogged, I haven’t had any internet for over a week which meant no facebook, no twitter, no msn and no blogging. The no social networking has been pretty good actually, I attained a greater appreciation for reality, taking in every little detail and microsecond of life and acknowledging its existence and relevance to my life. Seriously, when I had internet I was literally face down for half the day, looking for recent news within the cyber reality I became part of.

I don’t know if I am feeling like this because I am here or because I am away from Dean, I feel a little angry, agitated, annoyed, lonely and sad. I can understand that I feel angry and annoyed with being home with mum, she doesn’t seem to understand that I have been pretty stressed with my HSC, and yea, staying at Dean’s has been very stress relieving. I can’t relax when I am at home, just right now I feel really pissed off. I don’t know, I’m feeling a little down, I was reading some old stuff I wrote, before I blogged I would keep a virtual diary on my computer, only I saw them and only I know what they say. Some of them were pretty sad, and now it seams I have slipped a little into that area again, it doesn’t help when I am around my mother whom constantly brings me down with “you’ll never survive in the real world” crap, I cant wait till I move out. I have noticed a little bit of temperamental mood swings lately, when I am with Dean or friends I am happy, but when I come home I feel tense and a little angry and short tempered. Sometimes I can jump to conclusions but I am just saying that bi-polar could be a possibility, after all it does run in the family, but its most likely just hormones and crap, like mums menopausal mood swings and my teenage boy hormone crap just don’t mix. She can really piss me off sometimes though, I am the only one of her kids that actually helps her and she still has the nerve to call me unappreciative, I know why she always brings me down about not surviving in the real world every time I bring up moving out, she needs me. She wouldn’t be able to cope without me, so she brings me down so I feel as though I can’t survive and so I have to stay with her, fuck that, who does that, bring their own child down for their own benefit. I don’t know anymore, I think I should just go to sleep before my mind conjures up some other bizarre thought.

Day 27 - Muscle Juice

Its been a long time since I have posted anything on here. I feel really slack to have not attempted to post anything for all the days I have missed, it has been so long I am not one hundred percent sure if I am up to day 27, I think I am as tomorrow will be my four week mark of my journey. I wont spend much time reminiscing on the past week as I really want to talk about what happened today and led to the title.

Muscle juice, it was really funny to hear the term again, except it was used in a different context. My brother came back from Perth this morning, woke me up just to tell me I looked like a freak. For those of you who are unaware, I bleached my hair on Thursday night and now it is white, I will put up a photo at the end. Anyways, I got out of bed around 11, had a shower and went to make breakfast, at this time my younger brother was awake. He is following in my older brothers foot steps in ways, this is unfortunate in some aspects, but the aspect that he was following today is that he likes to work out and compare himself to my older brother. I think it is quite a silly idea to work out at a young age as it will mess with his growth spurts, but it makes him happy so I let him be. As I was making my cup of tea, my brother said he was going to go ask my older brother (okay it is getting quite annoying having to say older and younger brother all the time and I feel that they may get offended if I used their real names so after talking to my younger brother about what name he and my older brother would like to be called, he came up with Jackson for himself and Isaac for my older brother, so that will be their names from now on) if he could have some of his muscle juice, his muscle juice being a protein shake. It was that term that brought back memories from my childhood, it was in ways sad and funny to remember this term.

When I was younger, say pre 12 years old when I couldn't swallow tablets, my brothers and I would have to have this thick, pink, liquid medicine called Bactrim, its a mixture of two anti-biotics blah blah medical facts are not really relevant to the story. The Bactrim is to treat our blood disease, it wasn't to pleasing to swallow, especially when we were kids, so it wasn't really a fun experience to be taking this medicine every day. Mum and dad found this way of convincing us to want to take it, smart arses, they convinced us that it was muscle juice and would help make us strong. All our childhood we would take this stuff thinking that it would make us strong and like superman, it was a fun childhood prank sort of thing. In a way it was a lie, we were not going to become stronger than everyone else because we had muscle juice and they didn't, but it was true, it made us stronger than what we were, it allowed our immune system to function better and so we could live a normal life, rolling in the mud and sharing drinks without fear of getting an infection that would be a bitch and a half to fight off. Just these little insignificant things that allowed us to feel normal, but of course mum still worried like crazy.

Now that I am older I can see the sad side of it all, when Jackson mentioned having some of Isaac's muscle juice, the memories of my own muscle juice came back, and how I would take it thinking I would be superman, better than normal. My level of understanding and comprehension of the world around me allows me to see this sad side, that normal people take their muscle juice to be better than normal, to be superman, and I take my muscle juice just to be close to normal. Now I see that I can never be superman, and it is sad.

iBen