Those bloody television shows annoy me, it portrays nothing of reality, and is that why we love them? It portrays worlds that are not possible in our own, but we are so fixed on them that we create them within or reality. Everyone puts so much shit on Squidwart, he never cops a break, never, and he does nothing wrong to deserve it. He depicts the typical everyday man, working hard for his dreams yet everything just blows up in his face and we deem that as acceptable because its a cartoon. I hate it, I don't even know why its bothering me so fricken much, I just hate misrepresentations of reality. It's like everything is fun and games when your a kid, yea mummy is just playing dead on the floor, ha ha look shes got a mouth full of skittles and tic tacs.
I didn't ask to be sad, I would like to think that no one does, I hate that all I am doing now is ranting about my sadness, I don't like it. Depression chose me, its like it was destined to be, you'd think the doctor would be kind enough to tell it to your face that I am at a high risk of getting depression but no, prevention is a lot better then the cure.
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Do you think hermit crabs get sad when they change shells, do they get attached to one home and then cry because they're to big for it. The worst part when I cry is that sometimes, I don't know if I'm crying because I have thoughts of killing myself, or because I'm too scared. I know now that its because of the thoughts, but when you are in that position, when you are right there and everything is caving in on you, you cant remember which one it is. But I'm much stronger then I credit myself with, there is no way in the world that I could, death is already coming for me so there is no need to meet it half way. I want to grow old, I want to live life, I love life, its full of happiness, I just need to learn how to cope with being on my own, I need to cure the thoughts in my head.
When I am with him I forget all of it, none of the past matters because I am with him in the now. When I'm with Dean I am happy, like a kid receiving a kinder surprise after he bashes his head on the supermarket floor until his nose bleeds.. Theres not a moment when I am with him that I don't feel happy, like everything is going to be okay. Even the moments of silence, I can look to him and I know that hes here with me.
I love his smile, he has the most beautiful smile, and his eyes are amazing, I don't think he likes me calling him beautiful.. But he is. Hes funny, witty, theres never a dull moment when were together. Hes caring, and hes always there when I need him. I cant tell if I'm hungry or not..
But yea, Dean is amazing, and yea.. Just, he has a friend that is in love with him, and it makes me feel weird. Its an odd feeling, knowing someone obsesses over someone you love, but what makes it worse is that he can offer him things like all expenses paid trip to Thailand, I cant do that, and he loves Thailand. I cant buy his love, and if I could I wouldn't want to, I'd like to be able to take him to Thailand, but I can offer him my love, its no Thailand but its love. Its not jealousy, I've had the best of times with Dean and a lot of them have been free, and I wouldn't change those times for anything. It just annoyed me a bit that I'm here with, 'heyy lets go to the spa' when he has Thailand, ah well, that reminds me, I could do with a spa, so keen right now.
Well its been almost two hours, and I've done no studying for my exam that starts in about 8 hours, I just cant study, but I feel great that I was with Dean today and that I was able to stop crying, and even now I feel a lot of weight lifted from when I started this post. This song, She Is - The Fray, always loved the fray, and its a great song.
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