The hate you gave little infants fucks everybody

Thug life, as Tupac said, thug life has always been there, he's just been te one to diagnose it. Tupac is a man of wisdom, that much should be known to all.

"What you feed us as seeds, grows and blows up in your face. That's thug life"

One of my favorite quotations from Tupac, because it is so very very true. You put hate into a child and they will grow knowing hate and it will blow up in your face when they grow up to be filled with anger and negativity. Fill a child with sadness and sorrow and don't question them when they grow up depressed as hell. It's the parents duty to control the outcome of their child. Next topic.

"What you lookin' at? You all a bunch of fuckin' assholes. You know why? You don't have the guts to be what you wanna be? You need people like me. You need people like me so you can point your fuckin' fingers and say, "That's the bad guy." So... what that make you? Good? You're not good. You just know how to hide, how to lie. Me, I don't have that problem. Me, I always tell the truth. Even when I lie."

Yes another quotation, why, because when ingot out of the shower and saw myself, I questioned what I wanted to look like, I saw what I wanted to look like and decided to change my apearence to suit what I want to see myself as, and this thought brought up two other thoughts;

1. A question on formspring about people thinking I'm an atention seeker.

2. Isaac getting fired up at me sayin that I change my apearence to make a statement about my sexuality, the bastard.

The thing is, I do what I need to do to make me happy. If it means changing my apearence so I am able to like what I see in the mirror then so be it, and I'd hope that my friends and family would accept that because 'family' are ment to accept you no matter what. The thought of the formspring question hooked me onto the scarface quote, a quote which I love, the "You need people like me so you can point your fuckin' fingers and say, "That's the bad guy."" Because that how I see it, people need to point their fingers at someone else and say 'that guy is foul, who does he think he is' well fuck you! I do this so that you can point the finge at me, if I wasn't doing it you would point the finger at someone else, and no one deserves to have scum like you point your fingers at them, so I take that spot for them. I take that spot so others don't have to have your phonie fingers pointing at them, you fuckin' assholes. Go ahead, point the finger at me, because I can take it, I can take the fact that you are insecure and ignorant to your flaws, because you people need to appear flawless so point your fuckin' finger at me. I don't give too shits that your pouting the finger at me, because I know how foul you people are, and you make me sick.

"So say good night to the bad guy! Come on. The last time you gonna see a bad guy like this again, let me tell you. Come on. Make way for the bad guy. There's a bad guy comin' through! Better get outta his way!"

iBen with a silent F

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Mr Brightside

I'm going to see my psychologist this morning =] Funny how now that I am going to see her, I am in such a happy and bright mood. I love life, it's amazing, wonderful, entertaining and most of all, adventurous. I love people, of course there are people that make decisions but non the less, people are exciting. It's fun to see what people have in store for you, the thrill of no knowing how people feel, think and will act towards you excites and entertains me. I like the unknown, the not knowing what will happen if I say this to this person or that to that person. Sometimes you can anticipate what will happen, predict based on past experiences with that person, but I like to talk and meet people I don't know that well, drop an honest line and see how they react. I am anything but a mean person, there is no such thing as a mean person, there are only people. Some people may do mean things, bad things and even good things. There is no such thing as good people and bad people, only people that do good and bad. For if someone was deemed a 'bad person' and they did something good, it would not matter as they are still a 'bad person' and that's not fair. If I am deemed a 'mean person' what about the good and nice things I have done, do not judge based on someones past, judge on their improvment and atempt to change from their bad ways to the good. Except of course if they killed, raped, or child molested. Some people are just fucked in the head and should be locked away until they rot. But enough of that, this is my nice post. Haha although it is funny me talking about people being fucked in the head when I am the one going to a psychologist this morning. Well I guess everyone is a little fucked in the head, atleast I'm not in denial.

I like the concept of imortality, ony because I consider it a burdon. It can be looked at as a very selfish or a very humble thing, if someone had the choice to become imortal and took it so that he could live forever, he is selfish. It is a burdon on himgor everyone he has ever known and loved will die and he will be alone. If I had the choice would I take it, maybe. Everyone I know says no, for their loved ones will all die, but if I were imortal, I would have all the time I ever needed to fix the world. Would I give up my friends and family to fix the world is the question I am faced with. It's tough, even though I plan to be the first one dead of my family and friends. In my perspective, it seams selfish to not be imortal, but who do you know that would give up their life to fix the world? Just remembered who I was going to see, I will ask her what she thinks. Don't worry, I won't really be the first to die, well I might, but so might everyone.

iBen with a silent F

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I Cry.

"Sometimes when I'm alone
I Cry,
Cause I am on my own.
The tears I cry are bitter and warm.
They flow with life but take no form
I Cry because my heart is torn.
I find it difficult to carry on.

If I had an ear to confiding,
I would cry among my treasured friend,
but who do you know that stops that long,
to help another carry on.


The world moves fast and it would rather pass by.
Then to stop and see what makes one cry,
so painful and sad.
And sometimes...
I Cry
and no one cares about why."

Written by Tupac Shakur (1971-1996)

I love Tupac, he is the most influential person on my life. He loved and respected his mother al his life, he has come through shit that we cannot comprehend and has managed to rise from the dirt. He is the rose that grew from concrete. The messages Tupac inflicts onto me are strong and meaningful because he has actualy been there an done that, it's not some douche trying to preach to you, it's educated help. The messages are ones of hope, strength and perseverence, lots of perseverence. He has tought me to take the good with the bad, to understand that every dark night leads to a bright day ahead. Happiness does not come naturaly to humans, we have to fight for it.

I think I will be going south on my road trip, I want coast line and trees. I have a job for all you readers, if you do not currently own the song 'The Summer' by Josh Pyke, download or buy it, put it onto your portible music player, go outside, lay on the grass (make sure there is no dog poo or anything), and play 'The Summer' by Josh Pyke. As I is playing and you are looking up atte beautiful, natural sky, visualize a sexy sunlight searching for a way through the mazed tree tops as big, brown, dinosaur foot shaped leaves fall down on you and covering you in a cacoon of solitude and saftey. From there my vissions went on a journey on their own and ended up, well in other places. I like the word dinosaur, and I love dinosaurs. I listen to that song everynight and have a genius playlist that suite the son perfectly. I love my music, I am very unique with my music. Now I shall end the blog with wise words from Trevor from "Pay It Forward."

'The world is shit.'

iBen with a silent F

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Am I a mean person¿

Because I talk about the negatives of people and what I don't like about them? I can focus on the positives of people, well most people, Isaac I cannot. I like the saying, "treat others the way you would like to be treated" mainly because I can see the other perspective of it. If I treat someone like shit then I expect them to treat me like shit, if someone treats me like shit then they should expect me to treat them like shit. Seriously I don't know how Isaac can function as a human. He does not care for anyone else but himself, selfish, inconsiderate fool. I'm going to talk to the student care guy at school, see if there are any possibilities for me to move out, rent a place and get enough money from K Rudd to cover living expences, I cannot live with him anymore. Either that or wait like six weeks till Nanna moves ino her new place and I'll move in with them.

So cadetship! Sounds fun, uni costs covered, good pay, yea sounds like it will work for me. I seem to only talk about stupid shit that really isn't relevant to anyone else.. School is fun, I think, getting nude right out the front of the front office doors =D I don't want to say to much because I don't know how maybe reading this.. But I think I may like someone, but shh. I like these brown leaves, I'm at nams in Wollongong and there are a bunch of brown leaves all over the ground fallig from the trees, so beautiful =]

iBen with a silent F

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My imortal

Yea, it's 10:30 and I've got nothing better to do than blog. Sad isn't it, can wait till next week, hopefully I pass my test and get my p's and I'll get the hell out of here. I dot care where I end up, I'm just gonna drive, just keep driving and driving and driving, until I run out of gas. If only I could do that, well I can, and I want to, so why don't I... School? Yea, and besides, mum would probably call after three days of realizing that I havnt been around. If I ge my p's on Wednesday then I guess I could leave on a the Friday after school, then I have that night, Saturday and Sunday untill I have to come back. Sounds great, sounds like a plan. At least if I don't turn up Monday and no one has heard from me then they know that I went on a lone road trip somewhere, that's atleast some idea of what could have happened to me. Might head south, I like the coast and north is too busy, I need to find an epic solitary retreat somewhere. It will be good for me, I don't get why I am posting this on here, does anyone get any benifit out of reading this? I'm just typing my thoughts with my thumbs, it helps me to remember but I'm not sure what benifit you guys could get. Do you find it interesting or exciting to know what I like and what I plan to do? Does it give you ideas of what you may want to do? I put to much thought into things, the mind is an amazing concept, where are your thoughts coming from? Like you hear those voices in your head which are your thoughts, but what makes those voices, what would they sound like if you never learnt how to speak or understand words, how do we know the voices are in our heads, like what if they were in our knees? Where do the ducks go In winter? Holden is one of my favourite fictional characters, I can relate to him very easily, I guess doing journey for year 11 English did benifit me. Please stop reading my posts, I will put some things up that are only mention for my own benifit, they may get messy, you can read if you want I guess, like I'm not going to be able to stop you, just don't judge me I think is what I want to say. There I'd one thing I will say on here and it may change your whole outlook on me, I want to say it, I'm not sure what will come out of it when I say it, will people think I'm fucked up, will they think I'm crazy, will they simpathize, will they turn a blind eye? I guess I put to much though into what people think about it, but I am a person that will keep everythig to myself unless asked and pushed to tell, and in this situation it is a bad thing, the more I keep it to myself the worse it is for me, but I can't bring myself to be able to tell a single person yet I am to worried about peoples re actions. Great now I've made it look like it's something big, it's not big, just unexpected. Forget it, it may come out eventually. How amazing are linkin park! It's like a whirlwind inside of my head, haha love, protest, manifest, plunder.

iBen with a silent F

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Overdose

Well took my pills today. For some reason I am lying on the floor rather than my bed, and suprisingly I prefer it. I got my door open and a nice cooling breeze coming in right above my head, iPod speakers blaring a day to remember righ next to me and I can see the blue sky painted above. To Lauren, I won't look for your blog because you dont want it to be found, but mine I just realised that mine are not that deep, nor beautiful, in fact they are mainly me bitching about certain people, expressig my hate toward them and having a go at the past year of my life. If anything, this blog is only filled with negativity, hate, anger and regret. I mitt shut myself off from blogging, it seams that the more I blog the more I understand myself, and it looks bad. I'm fine with how I am now, in fact I would like to turn the clock back about a week, and i'd be fine, but if I could turnthe clock back I'd go back to year six. That's when it all went downhill, I'm not sure if I should go into the issue, it may cause me too much sadness that I really don't want right now. But the shit I went through then was something that no kid should ever have to be put through, and it makes me sick that people can claim that they're life is bad because they didn't get the new car they wanted or your model shoot failed. People need to realize that there are kids that have been through much worse than any of us coul comprehend. I don't want to go into things anymore, it doesn't matter how I got here, the fact is I'm here, and I am the way I am for various reasons that don't matter, just accept it.

I'm not happy, but I'll get there, trust me. For every dark night, there's a bright day lying ahead. Patience yea? Fuck I looked up at my bed and thougt there was a bear sitting there, scared the shit out of me. Umm much love, stay away from drugs.

iBen with a silent F

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iBen with an invisible F

Well what do I rant about now, how much I hate certain individuals, how I get urges to stab and burn, why I can't understand how people can be so ignorant and let people walk all over them... This is an undiscovered chapter of my life, I am far from an agresive person, I would consider hurting myself before anyone else, but after the constant bullshit I am recieving, the half wit fuck has all but pushed me off the edge. This hidden me that I have managed to find within my closet has opened a new relm in my mind, one of utter chaos, hatred, anger and no care for anyones life but my own... And it makes me fucking sick! I don't like to swear in my posts but Im just not that good with words to emphasise how much I hate this thing inside of me, the mirror image of him. I want it destroyed, dead, banished from my mind. I'm going to have to have a chat with a special someone to see if killing one of your personas can be harmful to mental state. When I look at it like that I can't see that it could be harmful, well if you already have personas in your mind then I guess that your mental state of mind isn't to 'normal'... Fuck normal.

I get sad you know, I hope you are aware that I am just as human as you and that I am able to feel sadness. I thought I couldn't at one stage, but let's nt talk about that. I feel pain somtimes just like you do, I may be able to deal with my pain alot better than you but I still feel it. Seriously I think these blogs are bad for my image, but heyy, I don't let m image get to me, I stay true to myself, if I want to say it I will say it, if you think badly of me then you deal with it in your own way, call me names, don't talk to me, whatever, to me that's a good thing, I don't want to be around people who don't like what they see but they still hang around for their own reason. I like to be with people that actually wan to be with me, I like to be with people that I want to be with, if I don't want to be around you for whatever reason than I won't be around you, and I expect the same. I guess I am aiming this at those phonie people out there, I have just remembered that there are fellow bloggers such as Pat that may read my post's, and I think we are both awarethat we don't sit together at school, and I am sorry if you got the wrong impression with what I said. Even though I don't sit with you doesn't mean I don't like you, I like you Pat, you are a really nice, funny and true to yourself person. So I don't mean to say that everone that I don't sit with or hang out with I don't like, I'm just saying that the people that I consider 'phonie' I will isolate myself from. This is my social anxiaty kicking in, I just don't want some people getting the wrong impression, I suppose the phonie people know who they are, and I am almost 100% sure that the people that are reading this are not the phonie people, because they are reading it. Fuck I can rant sometimes.

iBen

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Day 35 - Limits

i: Do you like being the way you are?
Isaac: No
i: Then why are you the way you are?
Isaac: No excuse

No one really understands Isaac, unless you have lived with him and watched him slowly progress into the stages which led him to bein how he is now. But even now, no one can understand why he is the way he is, why he makes everyone close to him want to crack him in the head with a thick object, hoping to knock some braincells back into place. Today I was moments away from stabbing the bastard, I don't give a fuck, if he can live his life the way he does and not give two fucking shits about how the people close to him feel then fuck him, if he could not care less about my feeligs and the way he acts toward me his own brother, than he is no brother of mine. Do I feel bad about saying this, no, fuck him, I hate him, but I feel sad that the fuckwit has allowed himself to continue to act this way and cause me to hate him so much, his own brother. It sickens me, and if your reading this thinking that it's not his fault, take a look at the opening dialouge, he has no excuse as to why he does it, he just does, and he doesn't like it but yet he still acts this way. People have fucking limits and I'm suprised I have managed to stay under mine, unfortunatley there has been one whom he pushed pastthei limit time and time again.

I had breakfast and taken my pills this morning, the first time in, well I can't really remember. I took my pills as an excuse to avoid being near him.











iBen

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Day 30 (Draft from 5/4)

Shit yea mo fo! Excuse my stupidy but im quite excited because I am going to get a ds and the new pokemon game today =D.

Secrets

Secrets are destructive, they rot the soul, consume your trust and cause one to feel insecure. Secrets are ment to be things that only a select few know about, quite often they are things that only the individual themselves know of and will not confide in anyone as to what these secrets are. In my own context, secrets have consumed me, they have no only stopped with consumig me but they have consumed themselves until the point that even I do not know what my secrets are. When I began to write these blogs of my jounrey I had three secrets that I had consuming me, and I wanted to somehow release these secrets with someone along my journey so they could stop consuming me. They ate at me, leaving behind nothing on my mind but these secrets, this one in particular that controled my whole mind, eventually it was the center of my mind and it ate the other two secrets. Sounds stupid I know but I have literaly forgoten these other two secrets because this one has been the main focus of all my mind, and when this happens you must dig and pry into your secret to uncover what is lurking in it's sick, black stomache. After some prying I have emurged victorious in remembering one of these three sicknesses that poison my mind. In that sence it should have been best left buried, one sickness is better than two which again is better than three. I guess that's just not how I like to work, I like to know what is poisoning me, so that not only can I hope to cure t but hopefully I can become immune to it.

I want to make a post, and in this post I want to reveal my biggest secret that has been poisioning my and consuming every thought I have. I want to do it, but I am not sure if everyone else is ready for it, and I don't believe I am in a fit state to be trusting my judgments so I have no trust in the thought that I want to reveal the secret. I had originaly planned to reveal the secret to my closest friend in a letter written in code but I want to reak away from my OCD ways and just say it here onthe open where it is clear and evident to see. Again I don't trust my mental state and I believe I need guidence on the matter, anyones opinion can help me at this point so please, if you feel that me telling my secret on here is a progresive and positive action than please tell me, but if you beloved that it is a negative and reconstructive action than do not feel afraid to tell me. Secrets rot the soul.

iBen

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Day 29

Dreams are funny little inventions that god created for us as an autoplay game during our sleep. It's like god didn't want us to get entirley bored so he gave us something entertaining instead of a blank screen to watch for the 'x' amount of hours we sleep. Sometimes the dreams are awesome, adventurous and insightful while other times we are faced with fear, anger, grief and solitude. I guess this is gods brain training excersises to help stimulate, control and understand the true potential of our emotions and feelings.

I am astronomicaly stupid, I do the most stupid things and don't do the most smartest things when it seems so easily possible to do and not do those smart and stupid things. Mum says I lack common sence, I agree, she says the smart ones always lack common sence, I disagree. How can one be smart if they inflict pain upon themselves? How can one be smart if they don't take the basic necesities to survive? (I guess what I am doing here is in a way discussing with myself and trying to find some ground on whether I am smart or not, right now this is the against side for me being smart) I know I have to take pills to have a safe functioning immune system and yet I don't. I know I need to eat to be able to get atleast a bit of nutrients from my unhealthy diet, but I starve myself. These lumps and sores on my head are my own fault, if I hadn't of neglected my medication for the past three or so months than I doubt I would have these. It's all my fault, and to make it worse, I don't think I care.

iBen

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Day 28 - Stranger Dreams

Emotions are funny things, when you actually think about what they are, they are just chemical imbalancements in your brain that cause you to smile, laugh, hate, fear, etc. Easter sucks, I got no idea what I am ranting on about today. I just want to leave, like run away but somewhere far away, somewhere where there are brown trees, with their leaves forever falling, just graceful. I can lay there, under the trees and let these brown leaves slowly glide over me, covering me, protecting me as I lay there ever so peaceful. Not here though, not in Australia, my thoughts of this place lead me to believe that a place of which I dream of running away to cannot exist in this country. I need to be far away, a place where I never knew existed, that's where my dream get away lies. Its funny how songs make my thoughts run wild, listen to The Summer by Josh Pyke, hopefully you can visualize this place that I do, a place that reminds you of the happiest moments of your life, somewhat of solitude but with the ones you love and enhance your love, joy and happiness for life. These people know who they are, and if they are reading this they most defiantly know I am talking about them.

But that's the thing, I want to be able to escape to this place that only exists in my head with these people that enhance my life, but I cannot take these people from their life. The only logical possibility for my dream to be true for me realise on my actions, running away to my dream destination, alone, in a cold and silent solitude manner, and just visualize everything and everyone that makes my life happy and enjoyable. Visualize that they are there with me, put my mind in a trance as the leaves soothe my mind and link my physical, psychological and emotional states. Fuck I need to ease up on the LSD... I'm kidding you can never have enough LSD... Okay I'm kidding even more, I have never had LSD, and that's the truth. I just say that as an excuse so people don't think I am crazy because of the shit I rant about.

I wish I could dance, it looks so graceful. Last night I had a conversation with an anonymous year 9 boy, I don't know this boy, I have no idea how I got this boy's msn address, but last night we ended up talking. We talked about sexuality, our out looks on certain situations and how they differed (he is straight by the way), talked about drugs and a lot of personal information. It is such a great thing to talk to strangers, I have no idea what mother was about when I was younger, strangers are the best to talk to, they don't know you, their judgment of you means nothing really so you can tell them the most personal information about you because you don't know them, they wont judge you and you feel free with them. If he is reading this I just want to say thanks for the chat.

iBen

Day 27 - Muscle Juice

Its been a long time since I have posted anything on here. I feel really slack to have not attempted to post anything for all the days I have missed, it has been so long I am not one hundred percent sure if I am up to day 27, I think I am as tomorrow will be my four week mark of my journey. I wont spend much time reminiscing on the past week as I really want to talk about what happened today and led to the title.

Muscle juice, it was really funny to hear the term again, except it was used in a different context. My brother came back from Perth this morning, woke me up just to tell me I looked like a freak. For those of you who are unaware, I bleached my hair on Thursday night and now it is white, I will put up a photo at the end. Anyways, I got out of bed around 11, had a shower and went to make breakfast, at this time my younger brother was awake. He is following in my older brothers foot steps in ways, this is unfortunate in some aspects, but the aspect that he was following today is that he likes to work out and compare himself to my older brother. I think it is quite a silly idea to work out at a young age as it will mess with his growth spurts, but it makes him happy so I let him be. As I was making my cup of tea, my brother said he was going to go ask my older brother (okay it is getting quite annoying having to say older and younger brother all the time and I feel that they may get offended if I used their real names so after talking to my younger brother about what name he and my older brother would like to be called, he came up with Jackson for himself and Isaac for my older brother, so that will be their names from now on) if he could have some of his muscle juice, his muscle juice being a protein shake. It was that term that brought back memories from my childhood, it was in ways sad and funny to remember this term.

When I was younger, say pre 12 years old when I couldn't swallow tablets, my brothers and I would have to have this thick, pink, liquid medicine called Bactrim, its a mixture of two anti-biotics blah blah medical facts are not really relevant to the story. The Bactrim is to treat our blood disease, it wasn't to pleasing to swallow, especially when we were kids, so it wasn't really a fun experience to be taking this medicine every day. Mum and dad found this way of convincing us to want to take it, smart arses, they convinced us that it was muscle juice and would help make us strong. All our childhood we would take this stuff thinking that it would make us strong and like superman, it was a fun childhood prank sort of thing. In a way it was a lie, we were not going to become stronger than everyone else because we had muscle juice and they didn't, but it was true, it made us stronger than what we were, it allowed our immune system to function better and so we could live a normal life, rolling in the mud and sharing drinks without fear of getting an infection that would be a bitch and a half to fight off. Just these little insignificant things that allowed us to feel normal, but of course mum still worried like crazy.

Now that I am older I can see the sad side of it all, when Jackson mentioned having some of Isaac's muscle juice, the memories of my own muscle juice came back, and how I would take it thinking I would be superman, better than normal. My level of understanding and comprehension of the world around me allows me to see this sad side, that normal people take their muscle juice to be better than normal, to be superman, and I take my muscle juice just to be close to normal. Now I see that I can never be superman, and it is sad.

iBen