Carer

So I'm in a pretty terrible situation at the moment, I've got my boyfriend down the coast in the company of Hugh while he's trying out for a job, and I have my mother sleeping on the lounge downstairs, bed ridden and incapable to the simplest of tasks which puts me as the carer since she is my mother. The fact that Dean is persuing a job down the coast doesn't annoy me, well sort of, I mean its fantastic, he is moving on in life, getting a job, a place of his own, what bothers me is that I am left behind, I'd love to move down with him and find a job down there, but that decision is up to him. Also that tonight Hugh is paying him a visit at his dads place is a little annoying, because its Hugh, I've tried to be his friend, but the fact that he wont accept that Dean and I are together frustrates me, he treats Dean as that guy that he would love to get with, and thats not fair on Dean, not to mention how frustrating it is for me, but Dean tries to keep that friendship and Hugh just seams to want more. Its quite annoying that he is there and I'm not, especially at his dads house, like I've been there once and was accused of being his partner, whats going on now that Hugh is there, and if he stays then his dad is just gonna be even more suspecting, does Hugh even care that Dean isn't out, I do contain myself so that Dean's parents don't know, and then Hugh is just like, heyy I'm gonna come visit you for the night.. But its what Dean wants, he wants Hugh over because after all he is his friend, even though he sounded so disappointed with the situation, I'm sure he will sort everything out, I trust him =] Oh yea, the mother part, so mum had a hysterectomy and she is completely useless when it comes to doing anything so I, the son living under her roof, am the carer, I've been staying up all night to get her to take her pills, waking up in early hours of the morning for more pills, and then driving everywhere in a manic rush leaving me with about 2 hours of the day to myself, there is nothing fun about this. But she is my mum, and she has done so much and more for me for the past 18 years of my life, so I'm sure I can last however long her recovery time will take, besides, I've been there for her in much worse positions then what she is in now..

I just concluded that what I blog is of pretty much no interest to anyone, why would anyone want to read this, but heyy, this blog is mainly for me, its my way to unwind and just release some stress and thoughts that plague my mind, except that they still plague my mind, its just good to talk about it, even if its to no one I know.

I Hate Being Alone

So here I sit, alone on my bed surrounded by all these bloody books. Ugh how I hate this, I hate just sitting here, it feels like such a huge waste of time, time I could be spending with friends and Dean. I like to live for the now, I like to always be doing something, I love to be into what I am doing right now, rather then worry about what will come later down the track. The whole study stuff annoys me, I cant imagine anyone enjoying expressing the imaginary part of 1/(1-z) in terms of theta, but I guess in life there are things you have to do whether you enjoy them or not, but things like this are not fair, we shouldn't have to sit such stupid exams to determine our level of intelligence. Bah, talking about what shouldn't have to happen is unfortunately not going to change the fact that it will happen. Thats another thing I hate, that we cant change anything by talking about it, wow I just realized how lazy that sounds, I cant wait until HSC is over, I want to go on a road trip with Dean, but I cant until I do all this dy dx crap.

We went out to Castros last night, Castros is a LGBT club, it was so awesome. We went by ourselves so we didn't know anyone there but people came up to us and were really friendly, I love gay people lol. We made some friends, they're really nice people, there were some bisexual guys, which added to my theory that they are pretty horny lol. Although there were some pretty sleazy guys, this one guy that was dancing with Dean and I, he was a really nice guy but then I think he grabbed my hand and I was like 'ahh' *grabs Dean* lol, I guess he was just being friendly, but I think I might be a little paranoid that there are heaps of sleazy guys.

I've been writing this post for way too long, keep getting sidetracked with television. I guess I'll just sum it up now, ciao.

Bad Day -_-

I'm hungry, I'm pissed off and I'm tired. I'm sore, I'm wrong, I'm selfish and I'm a prick. I'm annoyed, I'm confused and I've just had enough. You can't change people so why does she expect me to change for her, I'm just not good enough for her way of life, the only solution is getting out. Instead of yelling at me an expecting results she should at least help me be independent so that I can move out and do us both a huge favor.

I'm tired, I do not want to be here, I just want to get to my bed and rest, I just want to close my eyes and sleep for a while. Would I still take the red pill, the ignorance could be so blissful from the truth, but the truth could set me free from the lifestyle that I share. I'm sick of taking pills, but I'll be sick from not taking pills, I hate these decisions.

Religion doesn't answer my questions, I pray that it will answer yours.

I'm Back

It has been to long since I have last blogged, I haven’t had any internet for over a week which meant no facebook, no twitter, no msn and no blogging. The no social networking has been pretty good actually, I attained a greater appreciation for reality, taking in every little detail and microsecond of life and acknowledging its existence and relevance to my life. Seriously, when I had internet I was literally face down for half the day, looking for recent news within the cyber reality I became part of.

I don’t know if I am feeling like this because I am here or because I am away from Dean, I feel a little angry, agitated, annoyed, lonely and sad. I can understand that I feel angry and annoyed with being home with mum, she doesn’t seem to understand that I have been pretty stressed with my HSC, and yea, staying at Dean’s has been very stress relieving. I can’t relax when I am at home, just right now I feel really pissed off. I don’t know, I’m feeling a little down, I was reading some old stuff I wrote, before I blogged I would keep a virtual diary on my computer, only I saw them and only I know what they say. Some of them were pretty sad, and now it seams I have slipped a little into that area again, it doesn’t help when I am around my mother whom constantly brings me down with “you’ll never survive in the real world” crap, I cant wait till I move out. I have noticed a little bit of temperamental mood swings lately, when I am with Dean or friends I am happy, but when I come home I feel tense and a little angry and short tempered. Sometimes I can jump to conclusions but I am just saying that bi-polar could be a possibility, after all it does run in the family, but its most likely just hormones and crap, like mums menopausal mood swings and my teenage boy hormone crap just don’t mix. She can really piss me off sometimes though, I am the only one of her kids that actually helps her and she still has the nerve to call me unappreciative, I know why she always brings me down about not surviving in the real world every time I bring up moving out, she needs me. She wouldn’t be able to cope without me, so she brings me down so I feel as though I can’t survive and so I have to stay with her, fuck that, who does that, bring their own child down for their own benefit. I don’t know anymore, I think I should just go to sleep before my mind conjures up some other bizarre thought.

Now they'll never find out

I've always told people how much I love this song, but not many (if any) people know what it's about. The Presets are simply amazing, one of them being gay influences their songs, this song in particular. It's called If I Know You, it's about this boy that had a relationship with another boy, but then he has a change in thought, he leaves his boyfriend and tries to hide his true self by dating a girl, he knows he doesn't like the girl but he feels that being who he is is wrong, so he lies. But love surpasses this barrier, his lover is still in love with him and knows that what he is doing is wrong, even though he stopped talking to him all together. What they had was so good, and how could he do this if what they were doing was so right. The point is listen to the song, the lyrics are amazingly insightful, and it has always been a situation on my mind that I thought would be so difficult on both sides, having such hate and doubt in who you are and being the partner that has had this done to them. I pray that what is happening with Dean and I will never come close to this. A couple of months ago Dean had a relationship with a girl, which I find somewhat reasonable yet odd, when I had girlfriends it was because I was trying to prove to myself I wasn't gay, but once I accepted I was then I stopped having any relationship along those lines with the opposite sex, that part I understand, but Dean accepted he was gay before I did, yet he still willingly had a relationship with her. They still talk regularly, and it was yesterday that really set things going. She sent him a message saying that she still liked him and that she thinks he probably has a girlfriend. He asked me what he should do, I told him to tell her, but no, I can't tell her, it'll crush her. Argh, it's crushing her slower by just leading her on, I tried telling him but no, it's different with her, he can't just tell her, so he replies with, no I don't have a girlfriend. Argh, I have an obligation to feel sorry for her, just a self obligation, but there is also the possibility that he is ashamed of who he is and wants to hide away, he said he want to be good friends with her but doesn't want to tell her or be with her. How about how I feel, like yea, it feels terrible, it's like you're a part of someone but they are ashamed of you. I don't think he intends it, but it feels like that, but I live him, and if I want to be with him I have to understand that he is going through a really tough stage, he is fearful of his families reaction, but he can still take my feelings into consideration. I think he sensed that I was upset, so he stopped showing me the messages and he sent a message and told me that he told her, now they're going out for lunch tomorrow, he asked me to come but I have school. I think he might have told her something, he may have wanted me there for support, it's so frustrating because this is a critical time for my studies but I love him. I don't know what else to say, I need to be there for him, but I have to let him know how I feel too.

It's too late to say you're sorry

I love Dean, I know I do, it seams all my thoughts somehow revolve around him or can be linked back to him. I used to think it was risky business falling in love, to much heartbreak, but that's a lack of faith thing, and I have faith in him and our relationship, I know he has strong feelings for me too, he's never said he loves me but neither have I, well face to face. Last night I sent one of those drunk messages to him because his phone was dead so he wouldn't have gotten it until we were both sober. It was pretty much me saying I love him and complaining that I never got to have a decent moment with him last night to tell him that I love him. Well it was mainly that but I also told him that I felt that I was invading and pushing my way into his life because I usually just turn up to his and stay the night. Am I not giving him enough space? I think I'm just over reacting to my own reactions, I feel that we don't act as a couple and then it freaks me that maybe we aren't acting like a couple, and then I think that maybe he doesn't want to be with me, but I over react, if he doesn't want to be with me then he wouldn't be there with me in the beginning. I'm worrying way to much, I should probably give him some space. Were always at his place and his mum and brother are there, if were not there then were with my friends doing something, we used to go to the spa on weekends, didn't this weekend because I had to clean the house and last weekend he was at his dads. We don't have enough alone time, I want to have just one on one so that we can just be, we won't have to hide from his family and he won't have to feel uncomfortable around my friends. Another thing, it's always my friends, I've met a few of his friends but only really know one and I only met her on three occasions, and he's already been to the snow with some of my friends for a couple of days. I don't know if he doesn't want me to meet them or if he doesn't want them to know about us or I don't know. There's this one friend of his that he keeps being temperamental with liking and disliking, and he keeps bringing him up and how he wanted Dean to go to Thailand with him in December and all this stuff and he's been very secretive about him. He said there's something about him but he'll tell me another time, then again it's probably just me thinking 'boyfriend talking to another guy' ah I don't want to be like that though but I'm still curious as to what the deal is with him. I don't want to be like 'no you can't talk to guys' because I still talk to this friend of mine. I trust him, and I know I wouldn't do anything to compromise things with him and I trust that he would feel the same. I think the message I sent him may have produced positive results, he just messaged me so yea.

My mum, as much as I love her, I just can't stand her lately. She's without a doubt going through menopause so she's moody as hell. I guess it's good for her that I'm living here, I'm the only one that has patience for her and can't tolerate her verbal and physical abuse. Physical abuse sounds to harsh, it's just throwing things and hitting, she's not bashing me, and it's good because I don't hit back, Isaac without a doubt would hit back and more, and my younger brother is being just as bad, I see so much of Isaac in him. No one has as much patience as I do, even if I do have to cop all the 'fucking idiot' 'selfish prick' 'inconsiderate bastard' I can deal with being mums punching bag, but yea, it's exhausting.

Overdose on love

Argh! Why must things be so difficult. I love him, I haven't told him but I find it hard to say, and then I think if i say it then it might become to easy to say and then it'll just be overused and lose meaning. I'm happy when I am with him, and it seams as though I become nasty when we are apart, I have felt snappy, short tempered and at times impatient with people, people mainly meaning my family, ie. mum and my younger brother. I think it would be best for me to probably stop staying at his place every night, all this week I have slept there with him and it's been great, I love it and I love being with him, but if it has come to a point where I am like this without him and I have pretty much become dependent on him for my happiness then it is time to slow down. I think I just need to spend some time at home, as much as I hate being here, I need to be able to function normally without him, not that I want to be without him, it's just that there will be times when I can't be with him and I need to know that I can be alright during those times. Argh listening to Angus and Julia Stone just makes me want to be with him even more.

An old friend messaged me yesterday, it was great to hear from him, I haven't seen him in months, I saw him a few times at his work early this year and every time I ran into him I had different coloured hair which he found fascinating. Lets say his name is N. I first found N on the GYC, we talked heaps and he was a really awesome guy. He was the first gay guy I met, he reminded me so much of one of my best friends Gavin, his attire, jeans and converses, and his personality, like when he messaged me he asked me to take over Guatemala with him and it reminded me of their likeness. Well yea he's a great guy and was very helpful and insightful, he was the first person I could confide in to help me accept who I am. So N messaged me yesterday and told me he was having a 'what does this all mean' situation that he needed help with, I told him I will do my best to help but he never told me the situation yet asked for an answer. I don't know if he wanted me to guess or assume the situation but I don't know, I feel a strong vibe coming from him and I think he may be having some problems and he needs someone to help him through.

One of my close friends was in hospital this week, he's been a long friend of mine and the news of what happened scared and saddened me. Blake's lung collapsed last Sunday night, I found out last night so I went and saw him today and was with him until he was sent home later in the evening. He was always a tall and slim guy, and the doctor said it usually happens to tall, slim people, but he also said that smoking, especially pot, increases the risk. He hasn't smoked since last weekend and plans to quit all together which I am very proud of, when we were kids, about 6 years ago (its funny how it seams so long ago yet the reality is that I have not traveled to far from my childhood) my mother gave four of my best friends a lecture making them promise not to let me smoke ever, these people were William, Keegan, Jeff and Blake, Blake has been the only one that looked out for me and made sure I never smoked, yes I am not perfect, I did smoke, cigarettes and marijuana, do i regret it, no, was it stupid, yes. My lungs have always been damaged and under-functional from pneumonia from an infant and two years ago, so I knew that smoking was the worst idea for me, but I did it, I wanted to try it, I am foolish and was only driven by the want to try something I knew would be harmful to me. Blake however never allowed me to smoke and wouldn't allow anyone to let me smoke, that's what I call a true friend, even though my foolish self wanted to, he did what he knew was best for me, not what I wanted, and that is what a true friend does. I believe in paying it forward, now that Blake has given up on smoking, I feel the responsibility to look out for my friends health and safety, it's so selfish for me to be treated with such respect and care from a friend if I don't deal the same respect and care back to them. My friend Brown wants to bring some weed to my party and I told him that I'm not going to let him smoke it, I don't want him smoking it in general, I told him he has a problem if he cant go the night without it, yet he says he can do without it he just chooses to do with it, which to me is saying 'I'm dependent on it'. Anyway, Blake being in hospital scared me, I was worried and still am for him, and it has changed my passive attitude towards my friends doing potentially harmful things.

I felt the title was relevant, I feel a sense of overdose on love, I love Dean, I love being with him, I love how helpful and willing strangers can be, I love how strangers can turn into memorable and close friends, I love how close friends really care, I love my friends and I love how I have so many issues right now that play with my love.

Oh god I'm bleeding

On my arm and back, I have no idea how but there is blood. Anyways, I finally created a blog for my literature, at the moment there are three texts up there that I consider conceptual/surreal writings. What inspired me to write them were my surroundings, the words are basically the environment I was in, strung together to make something. It's what I call impulse writing, you just write what you see, feel, hear, taste and smell, there are no thoughts involved, there are no mistakes, every word that is put down is meant to be there, there is no erasing and finding what goes better, you cannot manipulate the environment that way so don't do it with your writings. Its fun, and its nice to see what the end result is. Um check it out if you want, here is the link:

http://stormliterature.blogspot.com/

On other news, Isaac is giving me the shits, seriously what gives him the idea that I want him to be near me, I have done the complete opposite, I have hinted for him to fuck off, he comes in my room trying to chat to me, half the shit he says does not even make it into my ear to be tossed out the other. Then he brings up whether I am a rigid gay or a girly gay, some people are so ignorant. And I think it is terrible to tell someone that you expect the best from them, telling someone that you have extraordinary great expectations for them puts stress on them, stress I don't need, even though I don't care about anything he says. But despite the massive wanker, I have been pretty good, I have enjoyed the lifestyle I have been recently living, its a bit egocentric and now I have a better understanding on how these egocentric people live, its quite horrid in some aspects, if your able to be ignorant to everyone and everything other than yourself than it works but I just cant do that. Well I'm ready for my next change, it seems like its going to be very fun and exciting, I have sort of already put it into play and it has been working constantly. There is one person in particular whom I need to work this lifestyle into, its a very carefree, optimistic and positive in-tact vibes sort of lifestyle. Its exciting because it eradicates the SSDD outlook and creates a new and adventurous outlook.

Sometimes I dont think before I type and I end up typing a heap of shit /\ /\ =]