Scratch that

Whenever I used to think about suicide I would hat myself for thinking about it, except this time was different, when I had a handful of pills and ready to down them willingly was when I realized, that I was accepting suicide, that I actually thought this was a normal thought, that's pretty much when I accepted that I'm more fucked then I thought, I wasn't trying to escape my thoughts, if I was then I would have been scared to do it, I was giving in to it, and fuck that, I may be fucked in the head but I am not a fucking push over. No fucking way am I a push over. Also I can move again, I'm almost at home, after an eventful adventure, but it was constructive, I actually feel like I'm closer to getting better.


- iBen =]x

Fuck

I wish I could stop thinking. I can't handle the thoughts anymore. I pulled the knife on myself again, all the stress from yesterday is sending me insane, I'm freaking out, and he doesn't seem to realize, how naive. It's a bit annoying that the only time I see him is if I make the effort to go see him, yet he will stay home to play the sims than come over an spend some time with me. Yea I get it, were with each other all the time, but were not, when were there, were not together, it's not the same, it's like he's not my boyfriend, and it hurts. I can't even walk, I'm stuck in this field wondering who is going to come and save me this time, how can I save myself if I'm my own worst enemy. I hate these kids, so ignorant as to what they're growing into.

I'm ready for death, I've been prepared for it for a long time. I'm scared as hell, it took me long enough to accept that love was worth having even though I could die soon. I don't even know what I'm thinking anymore, these words make 'no fucking sense to me, I hate reality, I fucking hate it, I can't move an I feel sick, I just want it all to end, it's not anyones fault, I wasn't abused, I wasn't brought up wrong, I wasn't treated bad by anyone, I just want to shut out the thoughts


- iBen =]x

Ugh

It's getting quite annoying, not to mention hurtful, being ignored and then the intentional making me feel bad, it's really not fair. It's so annoying putting in so much love, trying to make him happy and doing the best I can for him even though he will ignore me. I can't stand these mind games, the acting like somethings wrong but saying it's nothing, is it so hard to say what's wrong? I'd prefer to know what's wrong then to be left in the dark and guess as to what the problem is, did I do something wrong? I love him enough that I would do anything for him, if he is going through a tough time then I'll definitely be there for him, as I have these past couple days, but I still don't know what's going on, that might be his way of dealing with it so I perceiver, would he do the same? It doesn't matter to me really, I do it because I love him, and I do believe that he loves me to, although be doesn't show it, even to the point that he doesn't like me showing it, I don't know what he's afraid of.

I'm not feeling right, in my head, I know it, he knows it, but he still does try to make me feel bad for his amusement, and it's getting pretty hard to deal with, am I foolish. I do get depressed, I tend to think extremely negative, sometimes I do have the thought that I hate myself, it's hard to deal with, but it's better then what I used to think about. It's hard to get better, it really is, when our head is constantly telling you that there is no point, but I do fight it. I feel as though my mind is my enemy, that there is something in there that doesn't want me to be happy, and since the thoughts of suicide have gone, the worst thoughts I have are that he doesn't love me, and I hate myself for it. The thought crosses my mind quite often, and every time it does I hate myself even more for thinking it. I find the concept insane, I can't quite explain it to people, it's like there is this thought that just wants me to fall and go back to how I was, and it is so freaking hard to ignore. The only reason I really have to fight it and be happy is so that I can be happy with dean, I'd imagine people would think that is stupid, but he is the only person that actually makes me feel like it's worth it, even though I get a bit annoyed and hurt from how he can be at times, the way I see it is that he is worth it, over and over. And now I feel selfish, I feel like I am putting him in a position where if he leaves me then I will fall apart, and that's not my intention at all, its like there's a cycle with these thoughts, every time I feel progressive it just finds a way to make me feel bad.

I don't think I'm selfish though, I like to put his happiness before mine, well I try to, I don't find happiness as satisfying from buying something for myself or treating myself with something nice, of I could take dean out to the movies or buy myself a Roger David jacket I'd take the movies in a heartbeat, that's just how I am, I love him, and it also makes me happy when I can make him happy. Now I feel as though I'm rambling, I feel better now though, I do love him, and if he wants time without me and to see other people then I can accept that, it's just it would put my mind at so much more ease if he would tell me that he would prefer to go see someone by himself or have some time to himself, I suppose that sounds reasonable. Actually I'm not really rambling at all, it's your choice to read this or not, it's not like I'm writing a book for a targeted audience, I don't really need to please anyone on here, as rude as that sounds.

Anyways, that is all, it's been good to blog again after so long.

- iBen =]x