Best Day Of My Life

I found a bag containing school books from year 6, and I was reading through one of them, laughing at all the stupid things I came up with and how much I have changed and whats stayed the same, I found a title, 'The Best Day Of My Life' but under neath it was blank. I was a bit confused and sad, I tend to have bad memory when I look back at my childhood, and reading things like my school life timeline in those books was fun and insightful because it reminded me of what happened, but seeing that I left the best day of my life blank confused me, what is the best day of my life? Back then it was 2004 so I would have probably said year 6 camp, but I don't think that had happened yet, otherwise I would have written it, but I haven't really had any days that had held a significant event, each day was the same really, we might go to sydney or the leisure centre every once in a while but it wasn't the best day of my life, it makes me wonder what other people would answer this question with..

But I ask myself the same question today, and I look back at each year, they all got better as I got older, but they also got worse, year 7 was so fun, but my problems at home were just starting out, year 11 was amazing, I came out and it made me so happy, but it was when my depression sunk in and I found myself trying to kill myself, but the past year has been the best year of my life, meeting Dean was the best thing that has happened to me, but I don't think that would be the best day of my life. If I had to put it down to one day, it would be the day that Dean and I were in Newtown, and I took him into the city to go to the Chinese Gardens, we caught a ferry, walked over the Sydney Harbour Bridge, went to China-town and walked back to Newtown. I didn't care how much money I spent that day, I just wanted to make it as perfect as I could, and seeing him smile all day was amazing it made me so happy, knowing that it was just us.

The biggest problem with my anxiety is that I worry that I can't give Dean what he wants, that I can't afford to take him to amazing places, like Hugh can pay for him to go to Thailand including spending money, and he loves Thailand, but the best I could do was take him to Chinese Garden's, it worries me, but that day was the best day of my life because I felt so, confident I suppose, that I don't need to worry about stuff like that, because I can make him happy. Still, the fact that he hasn't made an effort to see me yet alone talk to me the past couple of days doesn't help at all, that I am always the one that starts the conversation, makes the offer to come over, it just makes me feel like he doesn't want to see me. The worst part is that he uses the excuse that its his mums rules that he can't stay the night, when he used to stay over several nights a week before his mum found out, and even after she found out he would still spend a few nights over, and on top of that, his little brother is staying over a girls house 2 nights in a row and his mum isn't bothered the slightest bit. It's just that if you love someone, you make an effort for them, great now mums called up and ditching me to go to the movies tonight.. I asked Dean yesterday if he would ask his mum if he can stay here tonight and watch movies tonight, he said he will ask so I'm hopeful, except I asked him today if he was going to, and he hasn't given me an answer, still hopeful.

I just wish thing were how it used to be

Six Feet Under The Stars

Its an All Time Low song, I guess I found some songs to suite my mood. I'm in an alright state of mind at the moment, like I am sore, my armpit hurts whenever I move my right arm, I keep getting these headaches, ulcers came back and my throat hurts whenever I eat, but despite all that I'm pretty good. I recently read over my earlier blog posts and I remembered why I made this blog, it was like a means of recording why I do things, the reasoning behind my actions. I found my first post where I referred to Dean, its funny because when Lauren told me that she was reading my blog (months ago), I sort of freaked out and then I made references directed to her, that was around the time I first came across Dean and so since I was in a directive state of writing I would wright things like "You're cute, I like your smile, you should smile more often, it looks good on you, even though your face is cute without a smile" - Scene, just because only I knew who I was talking about, ha it would be kinda weird if he found my blog ay, wouldn't it? Was he as into me as I was into him? I dunno, the fact is we are where we are now, and its pretty bloody fantastic, despite the physical fact that he is down the coast, but you get what I am saying.

This sort of got me thinking, things have changed so much from March, but then again it all started in March, I started this blog in March, and I first worked up the courage to start conversation with Dean in March, and since then my journey has been a roller coaster with family, school, friends and my health, mental and physical, and then there is Dean, whom has been the best thing that has ever come my way. I am so happy with how life has played out since then, its funny, that we were pretty much already a couple before I asked him and now it seams that we are pretty much living together even though we aren't.

Its mental that I have been with him pretty much everyday for the past 5 months, I thought it would be a lot harder to not see him for one or two days, but its good, because I know that its for the best, the job would be awesome, except now he wont get it because he needs a licence =\ Thats good though, he did say he didn't want the job, and he can always find one up here. Ah, Bali in about 6 days, that will be a whole 10 days without Dean, now that is mental, I need to get one of those sim cards, I'll be messaging him like crazy, sending him pictures and keeping him up to date, I'll get him an awesome present =D Oh and the day I get back is going to be our 6 month mark, Neil seams to have passed on to a better place so I reckon we should go buy a fern together, like a symbolic plant of us, I guess you see those cheesy relationships where they celebrate like monthly anniversaries and stuff, I don't think a fern is cheesy, I reckon it would be pretty awesome, something we can both look after.

Okay well its 12:57 am so I best get some sleep, I am back on pill duty so it shall be a fun morning for me =]

Much love, rectify.

Damaged Petals

I'd like to tell Dean everything, about Isaac, about mum, I don't know how he'd react, might be too much for him, might make him understand a few things, he might not care, he'll probably just act how he usually does, I worry too much about how people will react to things rather then actually doing it and then facing the reaction unprepared. The other night when mum threatened me with a knife, it wasn't even the worst welcome home I've had, It's stupid that I can't even find the courage to tell a heap of random people I have never met. When I was twelve Isaac attempted suicide, I was the one that found him in a puddle of his own blood on the bathroom floor with knife cuts all across his arm, that was a nice welcome home. To top that, later that year coming home with Isaac, mum was nowhere to be found, finally we went in her room to find her face down on her bed with empty pill boxes next to her, we managed to get her on the floor and while Isaac called the ambulance I had to stick my fingers down her mouth to make her vomit up the pills and scrape them out of her mouth, fucking great welcome home for a twelve year old. My childhood hasn't been the easiest nor has it been the hardest, crying myself to sleep most nights, trying to forget everything, praying to god that one day it will all stop, it's finally stopped now, but things are still not good. How can I be expected to be normal after going through that, and mum has the nerve to tell me that I've had a great life, that I've had Christmases and presents all the time, well if you make a cake with all the right ingredients it's a good cake, but if you throw a knife and some pills in that cake it's gonna turn out pretty damn bad. It's understandable, when Tupac said not to blame the rose that grew from concrete for it's damaged petals, it's not exactly easy to turn out good when you've been through so much bad.

I Want Short Breaths

Lyrics from Crimewave - Crystal Castles, why, because nothing they say is straight forward, it's conceptual lyrics, you've got to think about how things relate in certain contexts. It has been three months since my first date with Dean, back then it was only a dream to wake up and have him lying next to me, now its a reality. What I need right now is to take a look at the hurdles that lie ahead of me that if i don't overcome now, they will become barriers, barricading me from reaching my full potential.

1. Isaac
2. My mother
3. My health
4. This couch

Well firstly the problem with my brother is that he is a prick, I suppose its not entirely his fault for how he turned out but that's another story and its his choice to continue to act the way he does and do nothing about changing it. The problem is that he and I don't and wont get along for some time until he changes, so I have to have little interaction with him, hopefully it will get through to him that the way that he acts is tearing this family apart. Worst part though is the memories, of him at his worst, the people he hurt and how he made me feel helpless and hopeless. When I saw a situation that involved an older sibling being verbally abusive, the catalyst in the negative environment, it reminded me of how Isaac would lash out, hit mum, hit me and make me feel like there was nothing I could do to help the people I love, I got scared and anxious, its just the memories make me feel useless and weak. I don't know how to resolve this problem, I have tried extending my help to the victim, someone important to me, but maybe the situation isn't as bad as it seams to be for me and they can deal with it easily. I guess this problem is probably best resolved with my shrink =S

The mother! dum dum duuum. That was my lame attempt of intensifying the situation.. don't judge me.. okay you can judge me. As much as I love my mother, she drives me crazy, I never know what she is going to do or want next. She'll get me to drive her around then tell me to stop using so much petrol, she'll have a go at me for crashing my car and then without warning buy me another car, she'll tell me to stop spending so much money (okay so i spend about 150 max a week) then she goes and buys a $2500 3D Plasma television. That stuff I can deal with I suppose, shes going through menopause and is hormonal as hell, and I guess I'm the only one around to take her frustrations out on, still its not fair that I get yelled at and told off when I am the only one of her children that actually does things for her. What makes it worse is when she gets hypocritical, such as 'Ben you didn't wash the frying pan' when the sink is full of dirty dishes built up over the past days that I haven't even been there. I am happy to clean up my mess and look after myself, I can do work for two people but why should I when she yells and hurls abuse at me, if she asked nicely and thanked me for completing tasks shes asked me to do then it would be progressive towards the next time she asks me to do something. My only solution for this is to move out, but I suppose I can't do that for another 3 months minimum.

My health isn't that bad of a problem as it used to be, since I have been with Dean I have started eating different things, and I have had a positive outlook on my future health. I want to be fit and healthy, my small steps are slowly adding up and I already feel more motivated then before. Swimming, small home work outs, hopefully more tennis with Dean and slowly but surely I'll get there.

Finally this couch, well Dean is coming over tonight and that is more then enough motivation to get off my ass and get over there to pick him up, so I end this blog on a positive note, and here's my words of advice for the day, 'stay in school and stay away from drugs.'

Day 143 - Memories

I feel so great to look back and see how far I have come since day 1. I can see how my emotions have gone an a roller-coaster journey, started from being fueled with anger and hatred, to sinking in sorrow and sadness until being pulled out into the light of happiness and joy that I am in now. I can see how my artwork has been like photographic film, capturing everything I have reflected onto it, and I am happy that I have succeeded in doing so, I look at it and I see the anger portraits I started way back during day 1, and then moved onto the sad works that haven't been finished because my emotions changed to happiness and I have managed to almost complete two happiness works which is great.

I have been feeling effects of a relationship lately, I didn't get to see Dean last night or today and I really want to see him now but I have to study, he even said I have to study, he's good he really is, it's very thoughtful of him to make me study instead of be with him, but I am seeing him tomorrow which is good, after all I don't think I could last not seeing him during exam weeks. Ah crap exam weeks! I think Dean is going to see his dad next week so that will be good for him and I might be able to get some studying done. It's kinda funny because when I turned 18 mum was like, don't think you can go to Castro's and get yourself a boyfriend, you still have your HSC, but yea I didn't meet Dean at Castro's, nor did I meet him when I was 18.

I think I have finally decided what I want to do at university, I want to do a double degree in bachelor of creative arts - bachelor of arts. I want to major in graphic design for creative arts and psychology for arts, I'm not sure if it works like that but I'll have to look into it. I need to do something creative and psychology has always been a main interest for me, I have wanted to be a child or adolescent psychologist because I know how crucial these years are in making a person who they are, and I have seen how messed up peoples lives can turn out if things aren't felt with at a younger age and I can't stand knowing that there are children out there that need help and aren't getting it. I had an idea of opening up my own youth clinic sort of thing, I wrote down my ideas in my ideas book which I created at a young age, I flicked through there a while ago and found so many things, one of which amazed me was my computer cafe, I put so much thought and effort into it, drawing up blueprints, making item lists and prices, security systems, designs and layout of the place, I think that's what kept me interested in the idea, the design aspect. Architecture was my childhood dream job, but as I have seen in my younger brother it might have been a child stage that everyone goes through, designing dream homes and stuff, unless we have more in common then I thought.

Well that's about it for today, hope everyone had a good day and that tomorrow will be better =]

Day 27 - Muscle Juice

Its been a long time since I have posted anything on here. I feel really slack to have not attempted to post anything for all the days I have missed, it has been so long I am not one hundred percent sure if I am up to day 27, I think I am as tomorrow will be my four week mark of my journey. I wont spend much time reminiscing on the past week as I really want to talk about what happened today and led to the title.

Muscle juice, it was really funny to hear the term again, except it was used in a different context. My brother came back from Perth this morning, woke me up just to tell me I looked like a freak. For those of you who are unaware, I bleached my hair on Thursday night and now it is white, I will put up a photo at the end. Anyways, I got out of bed around 11, had a shower and went to make breakfast, at this time my younger brother was awake. He is following in my older brothers foot steps in ways, this is unfortunate in some aspects, but the aspect that he was following today is that he likes to work out and compare himself to my older brother. I think it is quite a silly idea to work out at a young age as it will mess with his growth spurts, but it makes him happy so I let him be. As I was making my cup of tea, my brother said he was going to go ask my older brother (okay it is getting quite annoying having to say older and younger brother all the time and I feel that they may get offended if I used their real names so after talking to my younger brother about what name he and my older brother would like to be called, he came up with Jackson for himself and Isaac for my older brother, so that will be their names from now on) if he could have some of his muscle juice, his muscle juice being a protein shake. It was that term that brought back memories from my childhood, it was in ways sad and funny to remember this term.

When I was younger, say pre 12 years old when I couldn't swallow tablets, my brothers and I would have to have this thick, pink, liquid medicine called Bactrim, its a mixture of two anti-biotics blah blah medical facts are not really relevant to the story. The Bactrim is to treat our blood disease, it wasn't to pleasing to swallow, especially when we were kids, so it wasn't really a fun experience to be taking this medicine every day. Mum and dad found this way of convincing us to want to take it, smart arses, they convinced us that it was muscle juice and would help make us strong. All our childhood we would take this stuff thinking that it would make us strong and like superman, it was a fun childhood prank sort of thing. In a way it was a lie, we were not going to become stronger than everyone else because we had muscle juice and they didn't, but it was true, it made us stronger than what we were, it allowed our immune system to function better and so we could live a normal life, rolling in the mud and sharing drinks without fear of getting an infection that would be a bitch and a half to fight off. Just these little insignificant things that allowed us to feel normal, but of course mum still worried like crazy.

Now that I am older I can see the sad side of it all, when Jackson mentioned having some of Isaac's muscle juice, the memories of my own muscle juice came back, and how I would take it thinking I would be superman, better than normal. My level of understanding and comprehension of the world around me allows me to see this sad side, that normal people take their muscle juice to be better than normal, to be superman, and I take my muscle juice just to be close to normal. Now I see that I can never be superman, and it is sad.

iBen