I found a bag containing school books from year 6, and I was reading through one of them, laughing at all the stupid things I came up with and how much I have changed and whats stayed the same, I found a title, 'The Best Day Of My Life' but under neath it was blank. I was a bit confused and sad, I tend to have bad memory when I look back at my childhood, and reading things like my school life timeline in those books was fun and insightful because it reminded me of what happened, but seeing that I left the best day of my life blank confused me, what is the best day of my life? Back then it was 2004 so I would have probably said year 6 camp, but I don't think that had happened yet, otherwise I would have written it, but I haven't really had any days that had held a significant event, each day was the same really, we might go to sydney or the leisure centre every once in a while but it wasn't the best day of my life, it makes me wonder what other people would answer this question with..
But I ask myself the same question today, and I look back at each year, they all got better as I got older, but they also got worse, year 7 was so fun, but my problems at home were just starting out, year 11 was amazing, I came out and it made me so happy, but it was when my depression sunk in and I found myself trying to kill myself, but the past year has been the best year of my life, meeting Dean was the best thing that has happened to me, but I don't think that would be the best day of my life. If I had to put it down to one day, it would be the day that Dean and I were in Newtown, and I took him into the city to go to the Chinese Gardens, we caught a ferry, walked over the Sydney Harbour Bridge, went to China-town and walked back to Newtown. I didn't care how much money I spent that day, I just wanted to make it as perfect as I could, and seeing him smile all day was amazing it made me so happy, knowing that it was just us.
The biggest problem with my anxiety is that I worry that I can't give Dean what he wants, that I can't afford to take him to amazing places, like Hugh can pay for him to go to Thailand including spending money, and he loves Thailand, but the best I could do was take him to Chinese Garden's, it worries me, but that day was the best day of my life because I felt so, confident I suppose, that I don't need to worry about stuff like that, because I can make him happy. Still, the fact that he hasn't made an effort to see me yet alone talk to me the past couple of days doesn't help at all, that I am always the one that starts the conversation, makes the offer to come over, it just makes me feel like he doesn't want to see me. The worst part is that he uses the excuse that its his mums rules that he can't stay the night, when he used to stay over several nights a week before his mum found out, and even after she found out he would still spend a few nights over, and on top of that, his little brother is staying over a girls house 2 nights in a row and his mum isn't bothered the slightest bit. It's just that if you love someone, you make an effort for them, great now mums called up and ditching me to go to the movies tonight.. I asked Dean yesterday if he would ask his mum if he can stay here tonight and watch movies tonight, he said he will ask so I'm hopeful, except I asked him today if he was going to, and he hasn't given me an answer, still hopeful.
I just wish thing were how it used to be
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