Sick

I've never been good enough, no matter how much I tried, I was never good enough, which is why after time I just started to not care. Imagine having to scrape pills out of your mothers mouth because she over dosed when you were 12, and everyone said that I had to take care of mum, I had to help her in every way, and I did, I know I did because everyone said I did, they still say it 'you used to always help her,' what made me stop? Maybe it was the numerous other suicide attempts that took plays in the following years, I specifically remember when she took off in 2008, sent everyone suicide messages, I remember everyone was flipping shit, they were crying, stressing, and I was there, trying not to let it bother me and continue washing the dishes like mum would have wanted. It was all a lie, no matter what I did to help her, it wouldn't make a difference, she still went down the dark road, so how was I supposed to feel, I felt like I wasn't good enough, like I have failed her.

What made things worse for me was when I came down with depression, I had to focus on myself to make me happy, its so hard to be happy when you feel like you're failing the person you love. She is sitting down stairs now, chatting away to her friends for support and sympathy while I'm up her alone in tears, I have no one to talk to about this, I'm messaging Dean now, but how am I supposed to tell the person I love so much that at times it is hard for me to have the will to live, its not his fault, its no ones fault, its not my fault, I'm just fucked, and theres nothing anyone can do for me, I can't see my fucking psychologist because she will give me some fucking burnt red tree ash or some hippie crap. I've been dealing with it great, but she just brings me down, I can't stay mentally healthy while I'm with her, we are no good for each other, tonight I put a blade to my skin, I just burst out in tears, there is so much hope for me, others would have made the cut, I'm still sane.