Out of all the pains in my life, this is by far the worst. I was so happy, the happiest I had ever been, and what hurts the most is to know that happiness was based on lies. I loved him, and I still love him, with all my heart, and given the circumstances, he loved me too. I don't know what hurts more, that fact that he said he loved me when he didn't mean it, or that's he never had those feelings for me since the beginning. Imagine having someone who means the world to you, that you would do anything to make them happy, you would take a bullet for them, you'd die for them, and then imagine having that person tell you that they're not sure if they love you, that there is nothing significant that makes me different from anyone else, that the only difference between me and his best friend is that he doesn't sleep with chick. It's hurtful, to have your whole world crushing down on you, to feel replaceable, especially by the person you love the most. And then to have him say that I should find someone else, someone that can love me back, I don't want anyone else, I want him, and it hurts so much. He doesn't understand that you can't just stop loving someone, it's like asking him to stop loving his mother, could he? Does he even have a concept of love for her? If he can't love his partner can he even love his family? It scares me, I can't leave him, but I can't deal with the feeling of not being loved. I love you is not just three words, they hold sentimental value, yea people say it when they love ice cream or love their friend for doing something stupid, but when you have a partner, and you have that strong feeling for them, you say it and you mean it. It would be a lot more easier if we spoke Greek, they have several words for the concept of love, four main ones, one for brotherly love with a friend, one for love between family, namely a mother and offspring, Eros for sensual love within a relationship and for the love of someones inner beauty, and Agape the unconditional love, when you love someone with all your heart, when they mean everything to you an you would do anything for them. Those last two are what I feel for Dean, and its something he doesn't seem to understand, that when you have that love for someone, it is so hard and almost impossible to stop that feeling, its not something that you switch on or off, it's something that happens.
- iBen =]x
No comments:
Post a Comment