I Hate Being Alone

So here I sit, alone on my bed surrounded by all these bloody books. Ugh how I hate this, I hate just sitting here, it feels like such a huge waste of time, time I could be spending with friends and Dean. I like to live for the now, I like to always be doing something, I love to be into what I am doing right now, rather then worry about what will come later down the track. The whole study stuff annoys me, I cant imagine anyone enjoying expressing the imaginary part of 1/(1-z) in terms of theta, but I guess in life there are things you have to do whether you enjoy them or not, but things like this are not fair, we shouldn't have to sit such stupid exams to determine our level of intelligence. Bah, talking about what shouldn't have to happen is unfortunately not going to change the fact that it will happen. Thats another thing I hate, that we cant change anything by talking about it, wow I just realized how lazy that sounds, I cant wait until HSC is over, I want to go on a road trip with Dean, but I cant until I do all this dy dx crap.

We went out to Castros last night, Castros is a LGBT club, it was so awesome. We went by ourselves so we didn't know anyone there but people came up to us and were really friendly, I love gay people lol. We made some friends, they're really nice people, there were some bisexual guys, which added to my theory that they are pretty horny lol. Although there were some pretty sleazy guys, this one guy that was dancing with Dean and I, he was a really nice guy but then I think he grabbed my hand and I was like 'ahh' *grabs Dean* lol, I guess he was just being friendly, but I think I might be a little paranoid that there are heaps of sleazy guys.

I've been writing this post for way too long, keep getting sidetracked with television. I guess I'll just sum it up now, ciao.

Love it

So is it normal for me to miss him, like I want him here with me, just lying here, sleeping. Lying in bed tired as hell, yet I still wish I was with him, I thought it would be best for him to get a good nights sleep in his own bed for once instead of the floor or couch. But yea just got home from cruising with some friends, really nice lesbian couple, they're so cute how open and affectionate they are. Oh yea so we didn't end up going to tennis, Hugh decided not to come because of me pretty much, its like he's not even trying to be Deans friend, it's sort of like no Ben get out of the picture. But I don't feel that way, I'm pretty sure Dean sees what's going on, I don't think Hugh will be happy with a friendship status, he needs to snap out of it, if he did then I probably wouldn't feel like punching him in the head sometimes, like who does that, it's like he's trying to cut me out, but that's really not fair on Dean or I.

Ugh I keep having little micro sleeps while I'm typing this, I'm so tired. Which reminds me, I should start eating green vegetables and take iron supplements, specialist said I'm iron deficient and possibly folic deficient which causes me anemia, explains why I'm tired sometimes. Argh I should have stayed at Deans to watch supernatural, I could have spent a night with him instead of home alone, but I wanted him to get some rest, he's got sore bones so I thought he should sleep in his chiropractor bed thing.

I was thinking of working out but I don't think I have the energy to, or motivation really, I'm not really into the whole looking buff, I like the slim physique, like Dean, he's got an amazing body, is it weird that my posts keep somehow referring back to him, I mean he's only on my mind like all day.. But yea, we were going to start jogging together, I'd like to, I don't know if I'd be able too, my lungs are pretty messed up, but I'd really like to, depends =]

Dean said he started a blog, that's pretty cool, I wonder what he would talk about, like would he talk about me as much as I do about him? I'm sure he'd tell me things, like I don't hide anything from him, if he asks then I'll tell him, but would I give him my blog site, cause he wouldn't tell me his and I guess that's understandable because I'm not sure I I would tell him mine, like it's not that I would hide something on here, it's just I keep being like, I love him I love him I love him, and I think I make him feel a little uneasy when I say that too him, but I really do. I wish I was with him right now. I've never seen a smile that can light the room like yours... you had me at hello, he's just so amazing, I guess I'll see him tomorrow morning, oh how I wish it was morning. I wonder if he knows how much control he has over me.

Anyways, I should sleep now, time seems to fly when your asleep, ciao bloggers =]

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

In My Head

Cause the song is playing at the moment, but otherwise... yea your still in my head.

So yea I feel great, I'm happy, Dean's just gone off to work and yea I know I'll be alone for the rest of the day but it doesn't seem to worry me right now, things are looking pretty good. We went to the spa on Monday afternoon, it was good lol, well it was like most other times, theres always some weird person or people that hop in while we're in there, haha it was pretty funny because Dean was acting all gay and stuff in front of them, unfortunately I didn't catch on lol. Oh yea, so Hugh, Deans friend, the one thats a little obsessed with him, is coming up to play tennis with him on Thursday, so he invited me to come play and yea I hope it will go okay, its just I have no reason to trust that Hugh wont try something, I know he is probably a great friend and Dean really wants to keep that friendship strong, I just don't know if Hugh is able to accept that they are just friends, I hope he does cause its not fair on Dean that they're friendship would have to suffer, and its not comfortable for me when it feels like hes trying to take Dean from me. Like taking him to Sydney to go out, like he knows I'm here, it's not really what a friend does, like whenever my friends invite me somewhere they invite Dean as well, but you know its a bit odd to take someones boyfriend out but not their partner so obviously he still is obsessing over Dean. Is that all I do, complain? Its just not fair on Dean, its not fair when you try hard to be a friend when they want more, sorta like with Jessye, eww, but yea its like when Sarah introduced me to Jessye because he had like no friends, but then when I became his friend and introduced him to my friends he just became so... whats the word, "look at me I'm a missive homosexual and I like to wear nail polish and do homosexual stuff" Thats not really the same circumstances but its the same situation, like you try to be someones friend when they want something different in return.

Ew seeing that name in my blog makes me a bit ugh. I just got a message from dad, its my cousins birthday next month so they're having a party or something at my grandparents on the 6th November, Its Suma's birthday party that night as well so I can stop into my grandparents during the day and then head to Newtown in the afternoon, I hope Dean would be alright with coming, I'd like him to come.

But yea, I'm fair tempted to paint the walls, not pro like, just splatter paint everywhere, in my head it looks pretty awesome. I'm hungry, I might dig into this chocolate frosting stuff Dean and I got, omg it tastes so good, but I should have breakfast first. I've always pictured myself as being someone that I would hate, I really don't think I would like me if there was two of me, I don't mean I would hate me if I was someone else, I mean like if there were two of me, I would hate the other me, I think because he knows me, like he would be able to predict me way to well and oh god, like I would think 'hmm I could like frame things on him' but he would think the same and it would be a race to whoever frame the other first but we both know that were racing each other so we would have to take out the competition so we would both try to kill each other and all this thought process would be in the space of like a split second so were both just staring at each other thinking 'kill him' but then I would think 'nah lets forget about this and just live a normal life' but knowing me I would see this as a sign of weakness and kill the other while they have dropped their guard, I really cant trust myself with my weaknesses, is that terrible that I would kill my other self at the slightest sign of weakness? I don't care if it is, cause the situation will never arise, I just like to talk shit sometimes, keeps my mine active =]

All is right in my life, sort of =]

Sometimes I look into the mirror and don't understand what I see.

It's just, how did I get to this, and why. I try so hard to be happy, but when I am alone I am so weak, its just my thoughts go crazy, they're so negative, I don't want to think these thoughts anymore. I want to be happy, I am happy, oh god I'm so fricken happy yet its like my mind just wont accept it.

Those bloody television shows annoy me, it portrays nothing of reality, and is that why we love them? It portrays worlds that are not possible in our own, but we are so fixed on them that we create them within or reality. Everyone puts so much shit on Squidwart, he never cops a break, never, and he does nothing wrong to deserve it. He depicts the typical everyday man, working hard for his dreams yet everything just blows up in his face and we deem that as acceptable because its a cartoon. I hate it, I don't even know why its bothering me so fricken much, I just hate misrepresentations of reality. It's like everything is fun and games when your a kid, yea mummy is just playing dead on the floor, ha ha look shes got a mouth full of skittles and tic tacs.

I didn't ask to be sad, I would like to think that no one does, I hate that all I am doing now is ranting about my sadness, I don't like it. Depression chose me, its like it was destined to be, you'd think the doctor would be kind enough to tell it to your face that I am at a high risk of getting depression but no, prevention is a lot better then the cure.

.

Do you think hermit crabs get sad when they change shells, do they get attached to one home and then cry because they're to big for it. The worst part when I cry is that sometimes, I don't know if I'm crying because I have thoughts of killing myself, or because I'm too scared. I know now that its because of the thoughts, but when you are in that position, when you are right there and everything is caving in on you, you cant remember which one it is. But I'm much stronger then I credit myself with, there is no way in the world that I could, death is already coming for me so there is no need to meet it half way. I want to grow old, I want to live life, I love life, its full of happiness, I just need to learn how to cope with being on my own, I need to cure the thoughts in my head.

When I am with him I forget all of it, none of the past matters because I am with him in the now. When I'm with Dean I am happy, like a kid receiving a kinder surprise after he bashes his head on the supermarket floor until his nose bleeds.. Theres not a moment when I am with him that I don't feel happy, like everything is going to be okay. Even the moments of silence, I can look to him and I know that hes here with me.

I love his smile, he has the most beautiful smile, and his eyes are amazing, I don't think he likes me calling him beautiful.. But he is. Hes funny, witty, theres never a dull moment when were together. Hes caring, and hes always there when I need him. I cant tell if I'm hungry or not..

But yea, Dean is amazing, and yea.. Just, he has a friend that is in love with him, and it makes me feel weird. Its an odd feeling, knowing someone obsesses over someone you love, but what makes it worse is that he can offer him things like all expenses paid trip to Thailand, I cant do that, and he loves Thailand. I cant buy his love, and if I could I wouldn't want to, I'd like to be able to take him to Thailand, but I can offer him my love, its no Thailand but its love. Its not jealousy, I've had the best of times with Dean and a lot of them have been free, and I wouldn't change those times for anything. It just annoyed me a bit that I'm here with, 'heyy lets go to the spa' when he has Thailand, ah well, that reminds me, I could do with a spa, so keen right now.

Well its been almost two hours, and I've done no studying for my exam that starts in about 8 hours, I just cant study, but I feel great that I was with Dean today and that I was able to stop crying, and even now I feel a lot of weight lifted from when I started this post. This song, She Is - The Fray, always loved the fray, and its a great song.

Thing

I don't know.

I hate everything, I hate these kids television shows, they make me anxious. I hate hearing, my ears hurt. I hate this feeling, the floor is irritating. I hate fucking everything, I hate it.

You know whats fucked, when your own mother tells you that shes better off without me, that I should do her a favor and just kill myself, she doesn't know that I think the same thing, she doesn't know how much I have wanted to just end my life, I don't give a fuck, I hate being alone, because I never am. I'm here with my messed up head, my thoughts telling me to go cut myself, go take that bottle of pills, just fucking do it. I hate being alone, and here I am, alone in a house full of sharp objects and pills, so many fucking opportunities.

What hurts me the most is that she can fucking do it, she can feel this way, think this way and act this way and act like shes the only one. She can overdose on her pills and then expect everyone to treat her differently because it doesn't happen to anyone else, I'm fucking sick of it, the only reason I don't is because of her, and then she shoves that fucking "I'm not well" shit in my face which makes me want to do it even more, maybe if she saw that I'm not well, maybe if she saw me in the mental house instead of her she would understand, is that what it will take to make her understand, do I have to snap and go overboard for her to understand?

Who the fuck says that to their child, what fucked up being would tell their child to go kill themselves.

Were not meant to be like this, humans, how could people have been so stupid as to evolve and progress, how damn foolish. All I want to do is live, but this is not living, the fuck is this, its a laptop, why do I need this, I don't need the Internet, I don't need a fucking couch or television, we don't need this, we don't need education, we don't need government, we don't need anything. Humans have fucked themselves over, sadness is an illness spawned from humans greed and idiocracy to want more.

I really need to get out, go far away. I'm beginning to think I may be the catalyst in these situations, it happened at dads. He kicked me out, now mum wants to, mum hates me, she absolutely hates me, she wants me fucking dead. Is it my lack of sharing, is it that I cant tell people that I am unwell, that I'm having these thoughts, and it leads to them not understanding why I act the way I do. I cant tell them though, what would they do, mum would laugh, act like my life is so perfect compared to hers, I hate how she fucking compares, or would she break down and think that its all her fault, she'd take another bottle and go bye bye.

Damaged Petals

I'd like to tell Dean everything, about Isaac, about mum, I don't know how he'd react, might be too much for him, might make him understand a few things, he might not care, he'll probably just act how he usually does, I worry too much about how people will react to things rather then actually doing it and then facing the reaction unprepared. The other night when mum threatened me with a knife, it wasn't even the worst welcome home I've had, It's stupid that I can't even find the courage to tell a heap of random people I have never met. When I was twelve Isaac attempted suicide, I was the one that found him in a puddle of his own blood on the bathroom floor with knife cuts all across his arm, that was a nice welcome home. To top that, later that year coming home with Isaac, mum was nowhere to be found, finally we went in her room to find her face down on her bed with empty pill boxes next to her, we managed to get her on the floor and while Isaac called the ambulance I had to stick my fingers down her mouth to make her vomit up the pills and scrape them out of her mouth, fucking great welcome home for a twelve year old. My childhood hasn't been the easiest nor has it been the hardest, crying myself to sleep most nights, trying to forget everything, praying to god that one day it will all stop, it's finally stopped now, but things are still not good. How can I be expected to be normal after going through that, and mum has the nerve to tell me that I've had a great life, that I've had Christmases and presents all the time, well if you make a cake with all the right ingredients it's a good cake, but if you throw a knife and some pills in that cake it's gonna turn out pretty damn bad. It's understandable, when Tupac said not to blame the rose that grew from concrete for it's damaged petals, it's not exactly easy to turn out good when you've been through so much bad.

Much ado about everything

Everything is just fine, like why am I here, I don't want to be here, why cant I move from here, why am I so afraid to pack my shit and leave. Who wants me here, more so who needs me here, less so who cares if I'm here. Why bother, everything blows up in my face.

I can't say that I have had the worst dealt to me, but you'd think that your own mother coming at you with a knife would be pretty bad. Shes already damaged me, a knife could only heal what I've seen, as she came at me in my head all I could think was 'do it, please just do it' I just cant take that shit anymore, I don't want to die, but I don't want to be here.