An Enhanced State Of Mind

Over the past 145 days I have come further than I could imagine, I have faced my fears and conquered barriers I thought I never would. I have transformed from the sadness and hatred that once fueled me and now I am at the happiest state of mind I have ever been at. 145 days ago I set out on a journey and the path I have taken has been traced out in my blog, although the path ahead of me is unseen, it is not unclear.  My future is in my control and it will be what I make it to be, but not always what I want it to be. From here things can only get better, there is no such thing as going back to how I was, it is not possible for anything to bring me down when everything lifts me higher, I am bulletproof. Call it what you want, cocky, egotistic, ignorant, but it doesn't matter, because from here there is no falling no matter what people think can bring me down, it won't.

I think the main turning point in my journey that set it off in the right direction was when Isaac last lashed out, that's the thing about me, I can find positive in negative situations, does that make me a bad person, or resourceful, think about it. When I saw him lash out against my mother and grandparents it was like the things I tried so hard to repress burst out of me and I couldn't let any of this happen again, especially when my younger brother was around to witness it, so once I got in between them I face Isaac and I let out everything that I have held back from him over the past six years, verbally of course, but it hit him harder than any physical act he could do unleash upon me, you could see it in his face and in the reaction that came next. It may have appeared to everyone that I didn't think this through, being face to face with him while holding everyone behind me, but I did, at that point I wanted him to hit me, as sick as it may sound I was waiting for him to hit me, I say that I wanted him to hit me to prove my point about him, but I think I wanted him to hit me for himself. I would gladly take a blow if it mention that no one else had to, anyway I will stop trying to justify why I wanted him to hit me, but when it sealed I was vulnerable, my younger brother got between us, it was so odd to have my younger brother do this for me, and when he is determined to do something he will do it well. Isaac lashed out again with the aim to get me, despite my want to hit me and his will to hit me, he didn't, I am smarter than I thought, by letting him know that he would only prove my point by hitting me put him at war with his ego, and he could not risk knowing that he is really living the life of a monster. That was the turning point, when I was able to face my brother with no fear and speak what I needed to speak with no care for his feelings as he never cared for mine.

So here I am, a projectile that has been launched at speeds exceeding escape velocity, I have past the point of no return and only the infinite stars guide my way

Day 143 - Memories

I feel so great to look back and see how far I have come since day 1. I can see how my emotions have gone an a roller-coaster journey, started from being fueled with anger and hatred, to sinking in sorrow and sadness until being pulled out into the light of happiness and joy that I am in now. I can see how my artwork has been like photographic film, capturing everything I have reflected onto it, and I am happy that I have succeeded in doing so, I look at it and I see the anger portraits I started way back during day 1, and then moved onto the sad works that haven't been finished because my emotions changed to happiness and I have managed to almost complete two happiness works which is great.

I have been feeling effects of a relationship lately, I didn't get to see Dean last night or today and I really want to see him now but I have to study, he even said I have to study, he's good he really is, it's very thoughtful of him to make me study instead of be with him, but I am seeing him tomorrow which is good, after all I don't think I could last not seeing him during exam weeks. Ah crap exam weeks! I think Dean is going to see his dad next week so that will be good for him and I might be able to get some studying done. It's kinda funny because when I turned 18 mum was like, don't think you can go to Castro's and get yourself a boyfriend, you still have your HSC, but yea I didn't meet Dean at Castro's, nor did I meet him when I was 18.

I think I have finally decided what I want to do at university, I want to do a double degree in bachelor of creative arts - bachelor of arts. I want to major in graphic design for creative arts and psychology for arts, I'm not sure if it works like that but I'll have to look into it. I need to do something creative and psychology has always been a main interest for me, I have wanted to be a child or adolescent psychologist because I know how crucial these years are in making a person who they are, and I have seen how messed up peoples lives can turn out if things aren't felt with at a younger age and I can't stand knowing that there are children out there that need help and aren't getting it. I had an idea of opening up my own youth clinic sort of thing, I wrote down my ideas in my ideas book which I created at a young age, I flicked through there a while ago and found so many things, one of which amazed me was my computer cafe, I put so much thought and effort into it, drawing up blueprints, making item lists and prices, security systems, designs and layout of the place, I think that's what kept me interested in the idea, the design aspect. Architecture was my childhood dream job, but as I have seen in my younger brother it might have been a child stage that everyone goes through, designing dream homes and stuff, unless we have more in common then I thought.

Well that's about it for today, hope everyone had a good day and that tomorrow will be better =]

Have your cake and eat it too

Title came from my thoughts from the conversation that the people behind me are having. It seems that now that we are eighteen our conversations have been invaded with politics, I don't like Julia Gillard but I don't like the liberal parties policies, the comment that got me was "I don't like either of them" and the three of them agreed on that statement. Ive hear that line been repeated in politics throughout my life when over hearing older people and my own age bracket talk about politics, to be honest I don't think that they mean what they say, like they say that they don't like either of then but to be honest I think they are just saying that for the sake of politics talk, I'm sure if they actually researched and gave the politicians a chance then they would be able to find positive ground with some of them. My personal opinion on Australian politics and a lot of other politics is that politicians fight against each other to become the person in power, they go against each other and criticize the policies they put forward. What I envisioned Politics to be was a system where the best most suitable candidate is elected to be in charge of leading the community, and to do so it makes sense that both parties work together to share positive ideas and progress on both parties positives and work on their flaws to have a stronger government than they would be if they didn't work together, but no, we are selfish people that only want the position of power to ourselves. It should be about finding the best solutions for the problems that the people of the community are dealing with, but it's not, it's about whoever can make the other person look bad so that they gain that position of power, imagine if there were no opposition, there is no opposing minister, there is a unity of governments that work together to find the best ideas and solutions for the people they are sworn in to govern. Wow, massive tangent before I even started this post, it was suppose to be an update on how I'm going but I got sidetracked by that comment on politics and I can go on about my ideas on politics.

I have been extraordinarily happy over the past several weeks, actually the past two months have been great for me. Three highlights that made me happy were leafing Dean, turning 18 and the snow trip. Being 18 has been awesome, I feel a greater deal of freedom and relief, it's the checkpoint I have been waiting for that marks me as progressing through life, I finally feel that my future is reachable and things are going to work out, I have found a partner, I will finish my secondary education soon and start onto my university studies next year and hopefully move out. My relationship with Dean has been great, on the weekend I met some of his friends which was different because I have already introduced him to a large majority of my friends before we were together. *Tangent* I was talking to Foye today about these theologians or something, it's when you say something repeated by something that means the same thing as the first word, like what I did with large majority, of course it is a large majority because that is what a majority is, instead of changing it I thought I'd go off on this tangent because I learnt something new yet I have forgotten what it's called... *end tangent* So yea he has already become part of my close circle of friends which is awesome and I have only just met three of his friends recently which is good because I want to get to know them as they are a part of Dean's life. It's a little odd though because one of his friends is gay and open to them about it, dot get me wrong I don't find it odd that he has a gay friend I just found it a little odd that if he has an open gay friend then why hasn't he come out to his friends about it? But I am me and I don't pressure people into doing things, he said he doesn't care if his friends know but I'm not going to blurt it to them and say hey I'm Dean's partner, I will let him do it how he wants to do it. A partner isn't for the social status of being with someone, it's about being with them because you want to be with them, and I like that Dean is like that, I wouldn't like it if he was like "everyone this is Ben and he is my boyfriend and yes I am gay" And I don't like saying that I am this or I am that because it sounds boastful and I hate boastful personalities, but yea I am not like that, when I introduced Dean to my friends I didn't parade him around to my friends but I didn't hide him from them and it was nice to be treated the same way. I dunno, it's just these little things that make me like him more. He likes my family, well my mum and younger brother, wow, our families seam a little similar now, we both have a younger brother and our parents aren't married and our older sibling are a little crazy, even though he has a sister and I a brother, we don't see much of our dads and it's weird because I has only met his brother and mum and same with him. Anyways he likes my family and my family like him, the past two nigh we watched movies at my place but it annoyed me that my brother and mum were there, I wanted some alone time with Dean so I could relax and I cannot relax with my brother around for starters and then here was mum that would sit there typing away on the laptop and then noisily taping her packages that she needed to send, it's understandable that she needed to do it but she could of at least had the decency to do it in her room when she knew I wanted to be alone with Dean to watch movies. Like when she was with her boyfriends, she would tell me to come out to watch a movie with them and she would be all touchy and crap with them and I was like, yea I'm going. I just found it pretty disrespectful to do that in front of your kid and I wouldn't do it it her, it's just weird having your mum sit there when she wasn't even watching the movie. I can't relax with them around, but it's true, my brother is annoying and my mum just does her own thing and doesn't really care if she is intruding on you doing your thing.

I have been reading my followers blogs and it's very insightful to read into your thoughts, lives and interests. My favorite aspect about myself is my curiosity of different perspectives, I like to know how different people view things because of their nature, personality, ego, environment and experiences that have shaped their perspectives on things. It's interest me to know why stuck up people, *stuck up people is my reference to Lara... Yea I said it, I have strong reasons to believe that Lara is stuck up and if you find my judgment of her is wrong then I am accepting of criticism to my judgment of her* are so stuck up, how they can know that no one actually likes them yet still act the way they do. I don't like to name and shame but seriously Lara has been annoying me so much, and I speak on behalf of my art class when I say that she should sit at her desk, shut up and do her work instead of strutting around and sticking her nose into everybodys artworks like she owns the place, I don't think you know how annoying it is when you are concentrating on your drawing and then she plants her face right next to yours and just stares at your pen touching the paper as if she were doing it herself, seriously back off out of my face and go do some work, you have nothing to show for your body of work, no wonder Oliver and Berto are sick of you. Sorry for the tangent but yea, it interests me as to why she does it, and it interest me reading your blogs because I get an understanding of you, and when I understand people I feel as though we are bonding through this mutual understanding of each other, and one of my followers asked me for advise and I find it easier to give advise to someone that you can understand.

I have a burn on each of my hands, the parts around the area where the skin from the inside part of your thumbs meet the index finger, you know that price of thin flesh, yea just bellow there, it's no relevance to anything really, it's just that I Joyce them when I type on my iPhone and it's like they are staring at me. Thank you Renate, I didn't think my advise was too helpful but if you need any advise with anything I will be more than happy to help, and thanks Pat for supporting my happiness and I felt very privileged when Lars asked me for advise, it made me happy to know that someone I have never met has asked me for advise, and I am more than happy to help you need it, it's great how the blogging community is filled with nice and caring people, it's a great escape from the wild world we live in

Sky high ^_^

It's been a long time since I last blogged, and I am not to sure what that post was about, but this one is about how happy I am. It's been over a month since I first met him, it was funny because we went to McDonalds and got Mcdippers even though neither of us were hungry. Since then I go to know him and he got to know me, and I knew that I liked him, I like him for him. I like he's sense of humor, he's witty jokes that some people like to overlook, I like his smile, it's simply radiant, no joke, when he smiles it makes me smile. I like just being around him, knowing he is there with me, I like how he falls asleep before I do, and then he goes into his snoring pattern, it may sound weird me saying this but I like how he snores, it's cute, and you can tell he is about to snore because he does this heavy breathing just before hand. Well now I just sound perverted, but I like him, and he's cute, like I want to hug him every time I see him, but I don't. I feel as though I'm making him feel uncomfortable, like, he's my first boyfriend, and he is the first person I wanted to be my boyfriend, but we are different. I came out almost a year ago, and when I did I thought to myself that I wouldn't change, that I would be the exact same I was then, but its not true, after coming out I felt like I was finally allowed to be who I wanted to be, like the things I wanted to like and act the way I wanted to act, and now I can see how much I have changed, I see the way I act now and think that there is no way I would have done these things back then. It's because I feel more comfortable being me, being gay and I feel comfortable liking him and wanted to be with him, I'm not saying he doesn't feel comfortable being with me, that's for him to say, that's why I like to take him out with my friends, give him an environment where he can feel comfortable with being with me, because he can't be comfortable being with me when we are with his family. I feel sorry for him, I don't like having to hold back my emotions, but for him I will, I can wait until he is ready, that's one thing I know, I won't preside him into doing anything he doesn't want to do, and I can see that since we have been hanging with my friends that he has opened up more, he is relaxed and comfortable with them and with me, and it makes me happy. I kissed him last night, I've wanted to kiss him for a while but I've held back because I didn't want to male him feel uncomfortable, but last night I think with the encouragement of gin and tonic I kissed him, but I was a little scared when he didn't kiss back, I though I startled him or something and I felt bad, but later on in the night he kissed me, and I think he felt good about it. It's abut odd me sharing my 'private' life on here so i think this post will only stay up temporarily. But yea, I like him, and he's right next to me sleeping and it was his snoring that inspire me to make this post, just because I like to lay here while he sleeps and just know that he is there, and that he chose to be there. I envy him, how brave he is, I wouldn't have ever dared to have had a relationship while I was in the closet, I felt that it would be to hard for me, he amazes me. It's funny because last night we were talking about how obvious it would be that him and I are together to his mum, I'm over his place almost every night, take him to work, go shopping with him and his mum, go to the snow with him, but yea she doesn't know, and that's the way he wants it and I respect that, so I try my best not to let anything slip, although it is hard to not admire him when I am there. He has also inspired my art work, I haven't told anyone but my artwork was going to revolve around hate and sadness, but since he came into the picture I have been anything but angry or sad, I've been happy, so I started my happiness collection, luckily I finished my hate collection, I couldn't finish the sad one because I am too happy, I'm not telling him that its because of him, then he will feel like he's got that hold on me, and everyone keeps telling him that he wears the pants lol, come on my pants cost 110 dollars.. Ah now I see why he wears the pants. Anyways, enough of my ranting, seriously though even his snores are cute, but yea I might call an end to this post, I'm worried that L might find my blog site again and even worse if he found my site because then he'd read this, so yea, temporary post I suppose. I like you guys, those that are willing to share are willing to listen. By the way that was directed at you fellow joeys bloggers =] goodnight and good breakfast, I'm hoping for bacon and eggs =D

I hate what I used to be

I can easily shift the blame for my past actions onto someone else but the truth is that it was all 100% my fault. If I really cared or gave a shit I would have gone about things a different way, instead I fucked with peoples lives with no remorse. Yes I feel responsible, like I should have known, even if you can justify that it wasn't my fault, the fact is that not only did I not do anything to help him, but I contributed to it. I didn't make life better for him, neither did others but I actually contributed to making his life hell. No I wasn't in a fit state at the time but that's no excuse, if I really cared I would have done something about it, and there I sat thinking that I really felt bad for my actions, I would cry myself to sleep in disgust of what I have done thinking that I was sorry for my actions, if I was really sorry I would not have done it. If only I could turn back time. But I can't, so now I am stuck with the bad choices I have made, staining my conscience. But I truly am sorry, and I cannot make right what I have done, I cannot erase it, it will always be there. I can do something though, at least I can try to do something, I want to apologize, but I need to do more than an apology, I need to help them, if I contributed to the state that they are in then I need to contribute on getting them out from that state. I can't put my mind to ease until I know that I have helped them, I hate knowing that there are people in states like that, no one should have to be in that state, it's life damaging and it's not fair that they should have their life damaged.

Back when I was a little less mature, I envisioned my life to be a punching bag, I wanted to make myself a target for people like me, so that they could hurl their abuse at me instead of taking it out on other people that didn't deserve it, because I knew I could deal with what others can't, and I felt that it was only right that I should take the bourdon that I have felt onto others. I actually tried to become a target, but it wouldn't work, I was quite immature, and I still am, but I'm more mature than what I used to be.

It's not too late is it

I hope not

Heads Will Roll (Draft from 22/6)

So sentimental, not sentimental enough.