Rolling in the deep

So my downward spiral of sanity seems to have reached it's depths, I tried to kill myself, I really wanted to die, and I cut my wrists, I always thought I had that little grip of sanity that wouldn't let me harm myself, turns out I don't have it anymore, whatever sanity I had fell apart with the rest of me. I didn't do anything to harmful, what I done was enough to take the thoughts away, and I see why people do it, they need that release, and it's sad. I don't want to do it, I didn't want to do it, but the way I was feeling was just sickening me. I'm not sure what will happen to me next, I don't know, all I know is that I've got a lot of things to think about, such as my life, where do I want it to go, who do I want in it, and what is going to be best for me.


- iBen =]x

Unexpected..

I didn't think it would actually come to that conclusion, I really didn't want it to. I know I have my problems, and I thought that if I could work them out then things would go back to how it was. I don't think I can just see him as a friend, I just wish we were still together, just not so serious. I think that would work, I think if we stayed in a relationship and I stop seeing things so serious then we will be lots more happier. I mean, I'm going to have to stop being so serious if were going to stay as friends, so why not stay together? Its not that I didn't trust him, I never thought he would cheat on me, I just thought that he might have been curious about a single life, and I was trying to understand that thought, and god I'm an idiot, its not fair, when I have these thoughts, its so hard to explain it though. I want to be with him, I want him to still see me as that special person, even though it may not be love, because I see him as that special person. I want to have him hold me as we fall asleep, I want to be the one that gives him a back massage and kiss him goodnight, will we have that anymore? I don't know, can't we be like a basic couple? Together, but not so attached, like I wont see him 24/7, but we will still see each other, I don't think I even want what I was feeling, it seems like love was causing me too much stress, I think now that I know that I'm not insane I feel a lot more confident in us. Its just, is it too late? We've already said we will help each other through it, is there any chance that he would want what I want? To be together, but just dulled down? I can't live without him in my life, and I think that he needs me in his too, its all happened too fast, I need to see him soon, that will be good for us, we can work out whats really going on. I miss him so..

=/

okay so i might have feel compelled to blog.. wtf, i'll talk about it tomorrow, i dont even know why i made this post, i just felt like i needed to write something down and when i started writing i remebered that its the exact same as blogging, just a different media, and thats when i thought id make this post. shit.. i could just press save now and not post it.

Roar!

So with nothing to do, no one to talk to, I have decided I'm going to go back to the old ways, I'm going to write. This is exactly what I've needed and been looking for, some time of just me, solitude. It is perfect for me right now, I need to get down to the bone and find out what I really want to do with myself.

Confused

So I need to know if he wants to see other people, because I feel like he would rather spend time seeing someone else, I base that off the fact that I haven't seen him in a week, I've asked him to come over everyday for the past week, too which he declined because he was either sick, in pain or it was too late to come over, but if he really wanted to see me he would have asked me to come over. He doesn't message me, I'm always the one to start a conversation or make an effort to talk to him, If I don't message him I'll go all day without hearing from him until the evening when I really want to talk to him and finally message him. The only reason for not talking to me but making an effort to talk to other guys would be because he doesn't want to talk to me, I need to know why.

Right now I feel like I'm in between a stable relationship and a pretty harsh breakup, I really feel as though he doesn't want to be with me anymore, and its pretty understandable that I should feel that way considering what he has said to me and how he is acting toward me, its just if its true I'd rather him hurry up and let me know, and if not, which I hope not, then I need a pretty good excuse as to whats happening between us, like why is he talking to other guys and telling them that he is single, and why hasn't he made some effort to spend some time with me. The worst thing though would be for him to lie about it all, if he wants a breakup and doesn't tell me, I'm going to find out later and it will only be more hurtful, I already feel used when he lied about telling guys about me, that is still really hurtful and I really need to know why he would do such a thing. Like what is he thinking when he does it, it makes me feel like my love is worth jack shit, like everything I have done for him means nothing to him, am I that meaningless to him?

=/

It's so sad hearing the cries of someone that wants you, you want to be there for them and just hold them, tell them that it's all going to be okay, just hold them until they fall asleep. I may be looking too deep into this analogy, my mum bought my younger brother a puppy, with the catch that she stays here, in order to get him to spend more time over here, slowly making him comfortable with living here while slowly giving me the hint to find somewhere else. It's annoying that she didn't care to think that a puppy being here is going to affect the two of us, I don't really want to be on puppy control, as cute and loving as she is, I can see myself loving this adorable little thing and then having to tear myself away from her when I get the boot. I felt so sad tonight, I went to go to bed to put my phone on charge, for the hope that dean would message me or at least talk to me on facebook, I really need to talk to him, but I knew that I've already waited till 11 o'clock, and I knew there was probably no chance that he would, I still wanted too, I have too much hope that he will. As I went to leave though, the puppy whined and whined, and I felt so bad, that this poor little dog was being left alone, when all she wanted was to spend some time with me, and I was going to deny that to her so I could hope that dean would talk to me. So I went back to her, sat her on my chest as I laid on the couch watching skins on sbs, she fell asleep in an instant, it was amazing. That's all I've ever wanted, someone that can hold me in their arms as I fall asleep, dean used to do that for me, I don't know whats changed. I know it must sound stupid that I'm relating everything back to him, but when one person means the world to you, then everything in the world can be brought back to them, like these quilts, dean loves this huge big quilt, it's amazing, but it works so much better when there are two of us, it gets mangled up and ends up sideways when it's just me, and my pillows, I use the dark brown and he uses the light brown, I keep the light brown one right next too mine, just knowing that's his spot, that's where he lays his head when he's here, it's comforting. I just wish he could see how I feel about this, I wish he could understand how much he means to me, and I just want to feel like I'm wanted, like he wants to be here with me.


- iBen =]x

Why bother

I don't see what the point is, when the person you love most pushes you away. I'm not a boastful person, but I do think I'm a pretty good boyfriend, I mean I do nice things for him, get him nice stuff, I'm always trying to make him happy, and yet he tells people he's single. Its really hurtful, knowing that he's told people that, when he said to my face that he tells them about me, how am I supposed to feel about that, I feel used, and it hurts, because I love him so much, and I've been giving him the benefit of the doubt, and I'm still trying, I just need to hear it from him.

- iBen =]x

This is the worst pain

Out of all the pains in my life, this is by far the worst. I was so happy, the happiest I had ever been, and what hurts the most is to know that happiness was based on lies. I loved him, and I still love him, with all my heart, and given the circumstances, he loved me too. I don't know what hurts more, that fact that he said he loved me when he didn't mean it, or that's he never had those feelings for me since the beginning. Imagine having someone who means the world to you, that you would do anything to make them happy, you would take a bullet for them, you'd die for them, and then imagine having that person tell you that they're not sure if they love you, that there is nothing significant that makes me different from anyone else, that the only difference between me and his best friend is that he doesn't sleep with chick. It's hurtful, to have your whole world crushing down on you, to feel replaceable, especially by the person you love the most. And then to have him say that I should find someone else, someone that can love me back, I don't want anyone else, I want him, and it hurts so much. He doesn't understand that you can't just stop loving someone, it's like asking him to stop loving his mother, could he? Does he even have a concept of love for her? If he can't love his partner can he even love his family? It scares me, I can't leave him, but I can't deal with the feeling of not being loved. I love you is not just three words, they hold sentimental value, yea people say it when they love ice cream or love their friend for doing something stupid, but when you have a partner, and you have that strong feeling for them, you say it and you mean it. It would be a lot more easier if we spoke Greek, they have several words for the concept of love, four main ones, one for brotherly love with a friend, one for love between family, namely a mother and offspring, Eros for sensual love within a relationship and for the love of someones inner beauty, and Agape the unconditional love, when you love someone with all your heart, when they mean everything to you an you would do anything for them. Those last two are what I feel for Dean, and its something he doesn't seem to understand, that when you have that love for someone, it is so hard and almost impossible to stop that feeling, its not something that you switch on or off, it's something that happens.


- iBen =]x

Well

I hate this feeling


- iBen =]x

Best Day Of My Life

I found a bag containing school books from year 6, and I was reading through one of them, laughing at all the stupid things I came up with and how much I have changed and whats stayed the same, I found a title, 'The Best Day Of My Life' but under neath it was blank. I was a bit confused and sad, I tend to have bad memory when I look back at my childhood, and reading things like my school life timeline in those books was fun and insightful because it reminded me of what happened, but seeing that I left the best day of my life blank confused me, what is the best day of my life? Back then it was 2004 so I would have probably said year 6 camp, but I don't think that had happened yet, otherwise I would have written it, but I haven't really had any days that had held a significant event, each day was the same really, we might go to sydney or the leisure centre every once in a while but it wasn't the best day of my life, it makes me wonder what other people would answer this question with..

But I ask myself the same question today, and I look back at each year, they all got better as I got older, but they also got worse, year 7 was so fun, but my problems at home were just starting out, year 11 was amazing, I came out and it made me so happy, but it was when my depression sunk in and I found myself trying to kill myself, but the past year has been the best year of my life, meeting Dean was the best thing that has happened to me, but I don't think that would be the best day of my life. If I had to put it down to one day, it would be the day that Dean and I were in Newtown, and I took him into the city to go to the Chinese Gardens, we caught a ferry, walked over the Sydney Harbour Bridge, went to China-town and walked back to Newtown. I didn't care how much money I spent that day, I just wanted to make it as perfect as I could, and seeing him smile all day was amazing it made me so happy, knowing that it was just us.

The biggest problem with my anxiety is that I worry that I can't give Dean what he wants, that I can't afford to take him to amazing places, like Hugh can pay for him to go to Thailand including spending money, and he loves Thailand, but the best I could do was take him to Chinese Garden's, it worries me, but that day was the best day of my life because I felt so, confident I suppose, that I don't need to worry about stuff like that, because I can make him happy. Still, the fact that he hasn't made an effort to see me yet alone talk to me the past couple of days doesn't help at all, that I am always the one that starts the conversation, makes the offer to come over, it just makes me feel like he doesn't want to see me. The worst part is that he uses the excuse that its his mums rules that he can't stay the night, when he used to stay over several nights a week before his mum found out, and even after she found out he would still spend a few nights over, and on top of that, his little brother is staying over a girls house 2 nights in a row and his mum isn't bothered the slightest bit. It's just that if you love someone, you make an effort for them, great now mums called up and ditching me to go to the movies tonight.. I asked Dean yesterday if he would ask his mum if he can stay here tonight and watch movies tonight, he said he will ask so I'm hopeful, except I asked him today if he was going to, and he hasn't given me an answer, still hopeful.

I just wish thing were how it used to be

Insomniac

Can't sleep, I'm lying in bed, it's 4:33, I'm not actually an insomniac, its just I like the word, and also because I thought of it as I was wondering why I couldn't get to sleep. I'm lying here, and all I can think about is this situation where I find myself running as fast as I can, but not actually moving from where I am, and then this arm comes out from nowhere and pulls me back from behind and throws me down to the ground, but once I hit the ground I spring back onto my feet and begin running again, only to find myself making no progress and being pulled back and thrown to the ground yet again. It's a stupid cycle that just keeps playing in my head, it was funny at first but now its just annoying, I'm freaking tired.

And thank you so much Pat, your message made me so happy, it made my day, thank you, you are so freaking amazing, I'm looking forward to see you getting back into your blog.


- iBen =]x

Scratch that

Whenever I used to think about suicide I would hat myself for thinking about it, except this time was different, when I had a handful of pills and ready to down them willingly was when I realized, that I was accepting suicide, that I actually thought this was a normal thought, that's pretty much when I accepted that I'm more fucked then I thought, I wasn't trying to escape my thoughts, if I was then I would have been scared to do it, I was giving in to it, and fuck that, I may be fucked in the head but I am not a fucking push over. No fucking way am I a push over. Also I can move again, I'm almost at home, after an eventful adventure, but it was constructive, I actually feel like I'm closer to getting better.


- iBen =]x

Fuck

I wish I could stop thinking. I can't handle the thoughts anymore. I pulled the knife on myself again, all the stress from yesterday is sending me insane, I'm freaking out, and he doesn't seem to realize, how naive. It's a bit annoying that the only time I see him is if I make the effort to go see him, yet he will stay home to play the sims than come over an spend some time with me. Yea I get it, were with each other all the time, but were not, when were there, were not together, it's not the same, it's like he's not my boyfriend, and it hurts. I can't even walk, I'm stuck in this field wondering who is going to come and save me this time, how can I save myself if I'm my own worst enemy. I hate these kids, so ignorant as to what they're growing into.

I'm ready for death, I've been prepared for it for a long time. I'm scared as hell, it took me long enough to accept that love was worth having even though I could die soon. I don't even know what I'm thinking anymore, these words make 'no fucking sense to me, I hate reality, I fucking hate it, I can't move an I feel sick, I just want it all to end, it's not anyones fault, I wasn't abused, I wasn't brought up wrong, I wasn't treated bad by anyone, I just want to shut out the thoughts


- iBen =]x

Ugh

It's getting quite annoying, not to mention hurtful, being ignored and then the intentional making me feel bad, it's really not fair. It's so annoying putting in so much love, trying to make him happy and doing the best I can for him even though he will ignore me. I can't stand these mind games, the acting like somethings wrong but saying it's nothing, is it so hard to say what's wrong? I'd prefer to know what's wrong then to be left in the dark and guess as to what the problem is, did I do something wrong? I love him enough that I would do anything for him, if he is going through a tough time then I'll definitely be there for him, as I have these past couple days, but I still don't know what's going on, that might be his way of dealing with it so I perceiver, would he do the same? It doesn't matter to me really, I do it because I love him, and I do believe that he loves me to, although be doesn't show it, even to the point that he doesn't like me showing it, I don't know what he's afraid of.

I'm not feeling right, in my head, I know it, he knows it, but he still does try to make me feel bad for his amusement, and it's getting pretty hard to deal with, am I foolish. I do get depressed, I tend to think extremely negative, sometimes I do have the thought that I hate myself, it's hard to deal with, but it's better then what I used to think about. It's hard to get better, it really is, when our head is constantly telling you that there is no point, but I do fight it. I feel as though my mind is my enemy, that there is something in there that doesn't want me to be happy, and since the thoughts of suicide have gone, the worst thoughts I have are that he doesn't love me, and I hate myself for it. The thought crosses my mind quite often, and every time it does I hate myself even more for thinking it. I find the concept insane, I can't quite explain it to people, it's like there is this thought that just wants me to fall and go back to how I was, and it is so freaking hard to ignore. The only reason I really have to fight it and be happy is so that I can be happy with dean, I'd imagine people would think that is stupid, but he is the only person that actually makes me feel like it's worth it, even though I get a bit annoyed and hurt from how he can be at times, the way I see it is that he is worth it, over and over. And now I feel selfish, I feel like I am putting him in a position where if he leaves me then I will fall apart, and that's not my intention at all, its like there's a cycle with these thoughts, every time I feel progressive it just finds a way to make me feel bad.

I don't think I'm selfish though, I like to put his happiness before mine, well I try to, I don't find happiness as satisfying from buying something for myself or treating myself with something nice, of I could take dean out to the movies or buy myself a Roger David jacket I'd take the movies in a heartbeat, that's just how I am, I love him, and it also makes me happy when I can make him happy. Now I feel as though I'm rambling, I feel better now though, I do love him, and if he wants time without me and to see other people then I can accept that, it's just it would put my mind at so much more ease if he would tell me that he would prefer to go see someone by himself or have some time to himself, I suppose that sounds reasonable. Actually I'm not really rambling at all, it's your choice to read this or not, it's not like I'm writing a book for a targeted audience, I don't really need to please anyone on here, as rude as that sounds.

Anyways, that is all, it's been good to blog again after so long.

- iBen =]x

What a day

Heyy mum, I've been suffering from depression for the past 2 years, Happy mothers day


- iBen =]x

30 Day Song Challenge - Day 12: Jonas Brothers - SOS

A song from a band you hate, I have no comments, I still haven't heard this song, I just hate Jonas Brothers, I feel a high level of shame putting this on my blog, but it must be done.

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 3: A picture of the cast from your favorite show

30 Day Song Challenge - Day 11: Red Hot Chili Peppers - Zephyr Song

A song from your favourite band, and I think it is fair to say that they are my favourite band, I chose this song though because it is quite a moderate song of theirs, its not deep into they're sad songs, or high up there in their up beat songs, nor does it get its funk on like quite a few of them do. Plus the video clip is awesome.

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 2: A photo of you and the person you have been closest with the longest

Minus the guy in the blue shirt, the other two are Brown and Jason, Jason has been my best friend from around year 8 till 11 or so and we still remain close friends. Brown was one of my closest friends for quite sometime, but we have drifted our separate ways.

The Catcher in the Rye

Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody