Day 82

Who's to say what I should and shouldn't be doing?I know what's best for me, well atleast I think I know what's best for me, so I think it's best that I blog, get my mind out of the cycle of thinking over everything and trying to find a point in where I have fucked up. In life you shouldn't have to do things that you don't want or need to do in order to do the things you do want and need to do. I am scared of growing old, I am scared of dying, as pathetic as it may seem but I am truly afraid that I will die before my time. I don't want that, that's why I want my time to come now, I don't want to have to sit the hsc and wait till next year to have to get into uni to start my x amount of years course to come out the other side with a degree and hopefully get a job. I want to be in uni now! Learning what will help me get there, unfortunatly I can't skip steps in life. Like what if I die before I even get a job, then my schooling life was just a waste of time that could have been spent doing something productive with my life, I hate this society and how everything revolves around a job and money in order to be able to do the things you want. If I never new about the beaches in India then the sandbox would have been the best thing I could ever imagine. It's not ignorance, it's optimism, if I can have my sandbox and be just as happy as you are with the beaches in India then we both win, it's just I didn't have to work to get the money to get to India, instead I jus went for a walk down the road. The best things in life are free, but it's hard to see that when we are constantly having our dreams of the sandbox replaced with dreams of the beaches in India. In these 82 days I have come to learn that I can have the most painstaking and breathtaking adventure without ever physically moving. Just lying here on my bed blogging has been an adventure that has been able to make my muscles ache. An emotional rollercoaster, this english speech has got me stuffed, I think it's from earlier today, having the emotional stress from working on my art, it's sort of blocked my mind from thinking of anything, all my thoughts have either been filled with rage and regret or sadness and lonlines. I'm too worried of what could have been that I am blindsighted as to what will be. This guy that I like, I don't know if he knows that I like him, and I don't know if he likes me either, but I'm not one to instigate because I don't want to be like 'heyy I like you' and then he'll be like 'oh that's nice.' I'm such a hypocryte, I tell people that they should be upfront and work up the courage to tell them that they like them, but when it comes to me I just chicken out. I guess if you like someone you should put all your eggs in the one basket and hope for the best, but it's easier said then done. See when I think of him and try to imagine what he thinks of me, I imagine that he thinks that I am just that guy that he saw a couple times and talked to sometimes, now I feel stupid. I should probably work up the courage to say something to him. I feel a little better having released that heap of emotion, maybe now I can start on my speech.. Nah just kiding, I'm going back to drawing eyes, night =]

iBen with a silent F

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